Nothing to do

I'm so hyper right now! I've been this way since my friend called earlier this evening. It's been at least 6 hours that I've been way way up. I just want to dance all night long!

I wanna do more than dance, really, but there's no one to do anything with at 1:30 am. Everyone here is asleep. I'm thinking about going out. Not sure where, but anywhere's better than here. Maybe I'll go to the lake. Or cruise down where I know there's people all of the time.

There's gotta be something to do! We live in a 24/7 society and the night is still early yet! God, I just want to party and have fun all night long. It's been a looooong time since I've been this high and held it continuously for this long.

I've been drinking Blue Margaritas and they're so yummy. They make me want to have even more fun! I'm so bored here. I gotta find something better to do.

A flick of the switch

I was meditating today, trying to calm some of these chaotic feelings. I'm flipping so fast that it's all blurring together. I was doing pretty good at relaxing, and then my stepson started up his crap again.

I was scared. Then I started to shake and cry. Then I screamed as loud as I could.

A friend was sympathizing and worded it perfectly. He said, "It must be so hard knowing you're barely in control of yourself, the fear that must come when someone can just flick you like a switch... it has to be terrible." He's so right.

Now I'm all chaotic again. In the last half hour, I've gone between anxious, panicky, angry, depressed, sad, flirty, and now I'm hyper and playful and mischievous. And I'm feeling very sexual and primal again. Hypersexual.

My inhibitions are going again. Along with my impulse control and judgment.

Can a person's body just short out from emotional overload?? I'm constantly swinging, the moods aren't lasting longer than maybe 10 minutes at best, a few at worst. Then another swing.

I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. It's too much. I'm in overload.

Primal sensuality

I'm feeling very sensual and sexual tonight. I know that I'm manic, but currently the energy is low-key. I'm mainly wanting to prowl. I want to be with someone. I wanted to be with Hubby tonight, but it never happened.

I'm feeling very primal.

Needy

I need to talk to someone. I feel so alone, even though I'm surrounded by people.

I really don't know what I want to say.

I feel so needy and I hate that. :-(

Is it enough, I wonder?

I'm so tired of everything. I've spent over an hour now searching online for any information on how much is a fatal dose of the meds I have. I'm frustrated as all hell that I can't find any info that tells me anything!

I don't want it to not be enough. I want it done and over.

I'm feeling so very very impulsive right now. I'm sitting here looking at the bottles, all lined up in a neat, pretty row. Is it enough, I wonder? Am I brave enough this time?

I don't have to worry about my parents grieving for me. They're both dead now. The only one I have to worry about is Hubby. But as much as it will hurt him, it's like the surgeon's scalpel - it stings, even as it heals.

Attack of the killer tv

I was almost crushed by a 32 inch tv today. Ok, crushed may be exaggerating a bit, but it did fall on me. :-)

I was setting up a tv in our office today and needed to move it out a bit so I could see where to hook up the cables. Unfortunately, I moved it out a little too far and being front heavy because of the tube, it started to fall off the stand. One of my cats just happened to take off running under it right as it was falling, and as cats tend to do when scared, he froze directly under it.

All I could think was he could be seriously hurt or killed, so I threw my knee over the cat to block the fall of the tv and yelled at the top of my lungs for Hubby.

He came running fast. By then the cat had split, but there I was, supporting a HUGE tv with my knee and it was already starting to get very heavy. Hubby told me to just put the tv down. He didn't have to tell me that, I was already losing my grip. It fell to the floor right on top of our fax machine, which was temporarily on the floor.

Hubby kept asking if I was hurt and I kept asking about the cat. He said the cat was fine and I started shaking and crying. And my knee and wrist were starting to hurt like hell. I fell apart. I have no idea why. I guess because it scared the crap out of me. I was so scared I'd hurt the cat.

It took me a while to unruffle my feathers after that. The cat's still unruffling his feathers, lol. I think I'll be staying away from those killer tv's from now on. You never know when they're going to attack.

I'm back

Ok, it's been way too long since I've posted. I've been neglecting my poor blog. And, of course, anyone who reads this with any regularity.

So what's going on with me, you ask? Hmmm...

Well, I'm stuck at home because where I live got hit with about 3 inches of ice on Friday and I haven't actually been out of the house since Thursday evening. Yikes.

My stepson was driving me crazy with his "I gotta get out" cabin fever, and Hubby was stir-crazy as well. I'm not used to them being here all the time. My routine got broken and I got off kilter.

But they're both at work now, and I couldn't be happier. It's nice and quiet here. I probably won't venture out until tomorrow, though. That's when my CBT is. I don't want to miss any more therapy stuff. Missed too much because of holidays and weather.

I've been pretty frustrated with my individual therapist, though. I've only seen her once in the last 2 months. I'm scheduled to see her every week, but she keeps cancelling for stuff. She's there every week, except for the day I'm scheduled. I'm tempted to have her switch me to a different day so that I'll actually get in to see her one of these days. I see her so rarely, it's like I don't even have an individual therapist anymore.

I was finally going to see her last Friday after a month of not seeing her, but the ice that was supposed to not start until around 4pm started at about 10am. She called to tell me not to go out in the ice and said she'd see me Thursday. I got so frustrated. I know she was looking out for my well being, but I didn't care. I just needed to talk to her.

I think she sensed it, because she asked if I needed to talk on the phone. I really wanted to. Needed to. But unfortunately, Hubby and the stepson were in the room and even if I'd gone into the bedroom, they still would have heard. That won't work for me. I hesitated in my answer, finally saying no. She asked if I wanted to, but couldn't talk right then. I said yes. And that was the end of the call. She said she'd see me for sure on Thursday. I hope she's right.

Like I said, very frustrating.

I'll be doing my best to post more often. I didn't realize until last night how much I missed posting on this blog. It's the only place I can truly say anything. The only thing in my life that comes close to that is talking to my therapists. But I can't even tell them everything. Not the suicidal stuff. Otherwise they'd lock me up every other month. I can tell my friends on SF, but I fear driving them away. At least my therapists are paid to listen. They're not going anywhere if they want their money. :)

Happy New Year? Yeah, right...

I was so drunk tonight. You know, I don't normally drink. I rarely have more than 1 drink a year and that's usually on New Year's Eve. If I were to try to guess how many I had tonight, I'd say at least 10-15.

I was hoping the alcohol would loosen up my control so I could act easier on my desires. It would have worked, but I was never alone so that I could act. I didn't take Hubby staying up late into account. I don't know why.

For the first few hours I laughed a lot. Now I just feel hopeless. I was waiting for Hubby to go to bed so I could cut and take pills. But he stayed up late tonight. He only fell asleep about 10 minutes ago.

The alcohol is wearing off and now I'm just nauseous. I really don't think I want to pour alcohol on top of nausea right now. I'd end up throwing up for sure. Unfortunately, since it's wearing off, I'm too scared to act now. DAMN IT! I had it all planned! Hubby never stays up late enough to do more than kiss me at midnight on New Year's and he picked this year of all years to wait until 1:45am before going to bed.

Great. I'm gonna have the hangover from hell tomorrow and I didn't even get anything out of it. This just sucks.

I swear, if I thought it would work I'd take all my pills. I have more than enough to kill me. But I know it won't work, I'll just get sick as a dog, then I have to suffer through the guilt and shame of yet another failed attempt.

I don't know why I can't die. Ironic, isn't it? An extremely suicidal person who can't die. That's just fucked up.

I'm just going to go to bed, otherwise I'll start cutting and I don't want to explain that later to Hubby. My shrink doesn't really care much, I don't think, whether I cut or not. Hell, I think he's just tired of me being his patient. I don't blame him. I'd be tired of a patient like me, too.

I give up

I give up. There's no hope for me. There never will be because of this fucking bipolar. Unless and until they find a cure for it, I'm screwed. I'll never be able to start fresh. The bipolar will just continue to hunt me down and kill me. :(

A new me for 2007

I was reading a post on Suicide Forum and it rocked me to the core. It really got me thinking about where I wanted my life to go from here. A man who is wise beyond his 20 years said something that's elegantly simple, yet so many people never think of it. Or think they can't do it.

But you know, what I've learned in CBT is that you really do have control over how you think and feel. And his post spoke to me. The gist of it is using the New Year to start fresh. Figure out what you don't like about yourself and change it. I responded to his post (if you read down, I'm bipolarkitty).

I hope all of you will read his post and the responses. Some of the responders are able to see the possibility of change, but sadly others are in so much pain that they think either it won't work or it's too late for them. I hope that all of you who read it are able to see the possibility.

I, for one, am giving it a shot. I'm committed to making true and lasting change in my life.

I'll let you all know how it goes. :)

Only a question of when and how

My therapist confirmed that I'm having a mixed episode right now. Problem is, with the exception of August, I've been mixed since April of this year. That's 8 very long months of sheer agony. I've had enough.

I don't know why this is happening. I never had a mixed episode before this year. I was always either up or down or fine. But it seems my illness has taken a turn in how it manifests itself, and it's left me reeling.

I feel like I'm going backward. I used to be so good at knowing exactly how I felt. But now it's very hard to define how I feel. The lines between emotions are so blurry. I'm reduced to either I feel "good" or "bad". There's so much more underneath, I just can't form it into words. If I feel bad and I'm asked what does bad mean or what am I thinking about, all I can hear is screaming in my head. No thought, no reason - only screams of anger and pain and fear.

And here I thought I couldn't go any crazier.

My therapist asked me Thursday if I was going to be safe when I left his office. I didn't want to answer him because I knew what my answer was. It was no. But I was afraid if I told him that then he'd start to think that I was becoming too dangerous to myself. He pressed me for an answer and I resentfully said yes.

I guess what it boils down to is that this mix that I'm in is getting worse every day. The self-destructive feelings I've been having aren't going away, they're getting stronger. I dream about the things I want to do, which only serves to reinforce and strengthen the desire to act on them.

The other night I dreamed I had dozens of cuts on my lower leg (which is weird, considering the only place I usually cut is my left forearm). Anyway, there was blood everywhere and it wouldn't stop. I was blissfully happy in the dream about it and when I woke up I still felt that afterglow. I really REALLY wanted to make that dream a reality.

If these feelings don't subside, it's not a question of whether I'll act or not. It's only a question of when. And of what form it will take.

Morphed into the child again

I get so angry at myself when I morph into the needy, over-emotional, suicidal child. Yet I don't know how to stop it.

If I'm suicidal, it's almost always between 1-5 am. I can only think of a few times that I was seriously suicidal during the day. Those were when I wasn't sleeping at all and saw too many sunrises. All of my suicide attempts have happened in the middle of the night, when I'm most impulsive and have the least control.

I know this is a dangerous time for me. The obvious answer would be to not be awake during the middle of the night. The only problem is that I'm a major night owl.

Pretty messed up, isn't it?

I had a bad few hours tonight, but I'm coming out of it, thanks to two wonderfully supportive people who helped me through the worst of it. I'm going to bed before it hits again.

I lose myself each night

I wonder why it is that I can be rational, logical, and clear-headed in my thinking during the day, but at night I lose all reason and rationality.

The daytime whispers of the past telling me I'm no good and that nobody cares become loud and oppressive in my mind while the rest of the world sleeps. And my resistance to them becomes non-existant.

It's like I'm 2 different people. During the day I'm (for the most part) strong and smart and can think my way out of things. In the middle of the night I become some needy, whimpering child huddled in the corner begging for help, yet knowing I deserve none.

I pride myself on my ability to think and to reason. But when I become that child, all thought goes out the window and only emotion remains. Raw pain, desperation, and hopelessness. I forget everything I've learned over the years on how to cope with the pain. I feel weak and powerless in those hours. The next day I hate who I became the previous night. It's embarrassing and many times, after reading what I've said the night before, I'm ashamed.

This duality is driving me crazy and I don't know what to do about it or how to fix it. I feel like I lose who I am every night.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Living in hell

I'm so tired of this shit! This has been the worst month of my life and it's probably going to get much worse before it's over.

My step-son is being an asshole. He's acting like he's the only one who's having a bad month. His problems? He dumped his girlfriend and his truck is running badly. BIG FUCKING DEAL!!! My mom DIED, the IRS took ALL of our money and will continue to do so, and one of my cats is so sick we're probably going to have to put him to sleep. How does that even BEGIN to compare???

Tonight he was in a rage because he couldn't get a seat cover on the seat in his truck. WTF??? He threw something when my back was turned. It made a huge crash and scared the crap out of me. I lost it and told him if he was going to do shit like that, go to his room. Don't do it around me. He got even more pissed off and left the house. He's been gone for over 7 hours now and he's so FUCKING inconsiderate that he doesn't even CARE that we're worried about him. I bet he doesn't come home at all tonight. He's probably out getting high and drunk.

I've had it with him!!! He makes me so miserable I can't stand it! He's 18 now. He's an adult. If he wants to keep doing this shit, he can fucking go do it somewhere else!

It's hard enough trying to control my emotions without his melodramatic bullshit and rage of a temper day in and day out. My emotions flare up to match his ALL the time and it's EXHAUSTING. I'm so pissed off right now!

My control over my feelings and impulses is hanging on by a thread. All I can think about is wanting to just take one risperdal m-tab after another. Let them dissolve in my mouth and then I'll just slip away. I don't want to wake up in this hell anymore.

I don't want it to be christmas

It's 3am and I don't want to go to bed, even though I'm very tired. I don't want to wake up and it be christmas and not have my mom. I miss her so much.

I finally found a home for her cat yesterday and when I handed him to his new family I was hit with such overwhelming pain, sadness, and guilt. I went inside and laid on my bed and cried so hard I was actually screaming. He was the last living reminder of her and it was like when I had to give him away it was finally real. She's gone and she's not coming back. As long as I was taking care of him I guess some part of my mind wouldn't accept that she's really gone.

I'm so sad right now. I wish I had someone to hold me right now. Hubby's asleep and I won't wake him up. Not just because I need to be held. He wouldn't understand anyway. He tries really hard to be supportive, but sometimes he just can't understand how I'm feeling.

I would really love to take a handful of some of my meds for sleep, but I would ruin christmas for everyone else if I did that. I already feel bad enough. I don't want to add to it. Maybe I'll knock myself out tomorrow night. At least that gives me something to look forward to.

Motivations for feeling self-destructive

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted here. This month has been very difficult. Not only did I lose my mom, but the IRS levied our bank accounts and one of my cats is so sick we may have to put him to sleep. I've been spending a lot of time on a site called Suicide Forum. It's been helping me a lot, since I've been so suicidal and self-destructive lately. I'm also meeting other bipolars and finding out that I'm not as alone as I thought I was in this.

Like I said, I've been feeling very self-destructive as of late. I did a lot of thinking about it the other day and this is what I've come up with as to the what's and why's of it. I'd love some feedback on it, see what you guys think:

I'm feeling a very strong desire to be self-destructive. I'm wanting to knock myself out with pills. I want to drive very fast without a seat belt. I want to take a whole bunch of pills and drink a lot of alcohol. I can't explain why, but I want something to happen to me. I want to feel in physical danger. Why?? What the hell is wrong with me that I'm wanting to go out and look for danger? I'm feeling very impulsive. I'm wanting to put myself in dangerous situations. And I know I should care about the consequences, but I don't, even though that's selfish.

I know this is dangerous thinking for me. And there is a small part inside that's a little concerned that I'm feeling this way again. Once when I was feeling this way I acted on it in a drastic way. I ended up being sexually assaulted. During the assault I didn't care what was happening to me, but for a long time later I did. Not only did I have to deal with the emotional aftermath of the assault itself, but I was horrified at what I'd done. I'd gone looking for trouble and it found me. Once again I'm walking that line of not caring what happens to me, of actually wanting to ask for trouble.

These are feelings that are very difficult for me to put into words. Even when I'm thinking these thoughts, they're really more like what it's like to remember an emotion you'd felt. I mean, yeah, I think about what action I want to take, but everything else is all thought out in emotion. That makes it hard to pin down the why's and motivations for me.

This is what I've been able to come up with:

Sometimes the consequences are a punishment. At those times I do believe that I deserve it. But not always. Really, it depends on my mood. For example, if I'm depressed then it tends to lean toward punishment. But if I'm manic it's the adrenaline and risk-taking that's forefront in my mind.

Which part of the day it is, is also a factor. During the day I lean more toward the risk-taking aspect; in the middle of the night, however, it's a different story. That's more likely the time when I feel I deserve to be punished. During the day my danger seeking behaviors are usually focused on things like driving fast without a seatbelt, seeking out people and situations that are dangerous, etc. During the night the behaviors shift more toward taking too many pills, or mixing them with alcohol, cutting, etc. But it's not cutting because I feel overwhelmed. When I cut for that reason, it's usually only a couple of cuts. If I'm wanting danger through cutting, it's more like 20 or 30 cuts.

It's kind of like day = outward and fun, night = inward and punishment. Usually, at least.

During the day if on the slim chance something bad were to happen, that would be ok. I don't really care, probably because I don't really believe anything bad will happen to me. During the night is more when I actually want something bad to happen. That's when I get disappointed and angry when it doesn't. And when nothing happens, it reinforces the belief that nothing bad can or will happen to me.

The disappointment part is really hard for me to define, even to myself. It's multi-layered. Maybe if nothing happens, then the risk wasn't big enough. There's also the belief and desire that I be punished, and when it doesn't happen, I get disappointed and sometimes very angry. Part of it is coming from that old desire to die, but not be responsible. But that's not the whole thing... I keep trying to prove myself wrong about the belief that nothing bad can happen to me. For some reason, that's a very distressing belief for me. I don't always feel all of those reasons for disappointment. It varies.

As far as it being pleasurable to have something bad happen to me, that's part of it too. I think that comes from the same part of me that enjoys cutting.

Actually, the whole thing is comparable to having a mixed episode. You never know what you're going to get.

My mom died

My mom died on Saturday. It was such a shock. Every doctor and nurse said her vitals were great - that she was in no danger physically. So what the hell happened??!

I'm freaking out. I bounce back and forth between numb, depressed, angry, and manic.

I don't know what I'm going to do without her. And I feel very guilty. I was out of town "taking a break from her" when she died. I abandoned her. I wanted her to move to my brother's house so I wouldn't have to be responsible because it was so hard on me. Now she's gone. How could I have done that to her? This is my punishment.

I found out tonight that she hadn't been taking her meds for at least a month or two. If I'd paid closer attention, she wouldn't have gotten sick and died. It's all my fault.

I want to cut. I want to take handfuls of pills. But I can't right now because there are too many people here. But I'm scared of what I may do next week once they're all gone.

And I can't FUCKING sleep!!! I'm losing it.

I don't want to feel this pain anymore.

The universe is out to get me

I know, except for the jingle it's been ages since I've posted. Sorry bout that.

Where to start...

The last 2 weeks have been a kind of hell on earth. My mom got very sick and has been in the hospital for 2 weeks now. And when she gets out, she'll have to either move in with my brother or go to a nursing home, since she'll need 24/7 care for the rest of her life. My therapists and doctor have all made it perfectly clear that I can't be her caretaker. It would put her in jeopardy because I wouldn't be able to handle it. I'd be suicidal within a week or two. Hell, I already am. I feel like I've let her down in the worst way possible.

During all this, one of my cats almost died and continues to be very sick. My step-son continues his usual crap. Hubby is getting tired of eating take-out and wanting me to resume my normal work around the house. It's too much all at once!

My CBT scores for the past 2 weeks have been through the roof:
anxiety 99
depression 100
emotional dysfunction 100

My stress level is excruciatingly high and for the foreseeable future, it's not likely to go down. I don't know how much longer I can keep going. My meds aren't controlling my moods at all. I'm starting to have psychotic symptoms (I swear I saw a pecan pie breathing) and I'm scared to tell anyone for fear they'll up my anti-psychotic. I wouldn't be able to function at all if they did that. I have to be able to be there for my mom. And if the hospital needs consent, she can't give it. It has to be me. If I'm doped up on risperdal to where I can't stay conscious, how am I supposed to be able to give consent?

And as if the crushing suicidal depression wasn't enough, now I'm shifting into a mixed state. I'm having a lot of manic symptoms, yet I'm so depressed all I can think about is stopping the pain. I even started cutting again. Oh how I missed that blessed relief.

I know I should try to sleep. I have an appointment with my therapist at 9am. I really need to see her since I haven't seen her in 3 weeks due to various crap getting in the way. But unfortunately, a freakish winter storm started that's likely to shut down everything. I bet I won't be able to see her tomorrow.

I swear the universe is out to get me.

The Jingle

You know, it just isn't the holiday season here in Oklahoma until you start hearing the B. C. Clark Christmas Jingle

We Oklahomans definitely love this jingle. Megan Mulally even sang it on Jay Leno's show once. :-)

Hesitant and anxious

I'm going to go to a bipolar support group. It's tomorrow at 1:30. From what I understand, it's a small group, but very tight knit. They've all known each other for quite a while.

I'm a little anxious about it. I'm afraid I'm not going to fit in or belong. I would like to get to know other people who have bipolar. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so alone. But honestly, I don't know if I have the energy needed to commit to that type of group. And I'm afraid.

I've been in a group like that before. I was in it for 5 years. I was in the same situation then: joining a tightly knit group of people and feeling like an outsider who didn't belong. I did open up and get close to them, but it took a long time. And then, when the group had to end, none of them kept in contact with me. I tried to keep in touch with them, but they didn't respond.

I felt abandoned. I felt like they didn't associate with me anymore because they didn't have to. What I was most afraid of was that they never really liked or accepted me, that they only acted like it to be nice to me since they had to see me every Monday.

I'm afraid of that happening again.

Ugh, I should just get some sleep and forget about this for a few hours.