At the lake

I had to get out of the house today. My plan was to head to the mall, or maybe to the bookstore to read for a while. You can just settle in a big overstuffed chair and read a whole book without having to pay for it. For me, who's in big trouble for the finances damage, that's ideal. A bonus is that I can escape my life for a while. So those were my plans. I was all set to go. All I had with me were my keys, driver's license, and cell phone. No money, either paper or plastic.

I never made it to the mall or bookstore. I was feeling really bad so I decided to go to the lake for a while first. The lake soothes me. Once I got there I realized I wouldn't want to go to my dock because of all the rain. The roads would be muddy. I settled for the boat dock. No mud to get to that one. I sat on the dock for a while, then people started to come with boats. I watched them, wishing I could go for a ride. I love being in a boat on the water, and I never get the opportunity.

I started hoping that one of them would ask if I wanted a ride. If one of them had, I'd have said yes. Most of them talked to me, but it was all just small talk. Shortly before I left there was one guy who I thought might ask, but he had a boat problem. So I gave up and left. A boat ride would have been nice, though.

Smoking and Passive Suicide

Hubby is getting very impatient. He's adamant about quitting smoking. And he says he can't quit unless I do, too. He's pressuring me a lot. I do want him to quit. Part of me wants to quit, too. But I'm also very scared.

The last time I quit I went into a tailspin and dropped into a major depression that lasted months. At the time my doctor said quitting had caused the depression because of the chemical changes in my brain and that if I tried to quit again, most likely I'd crash again. I was going to quit in January, but I was depressed and unstable and he advised waiting to quit until I got stabilized. So that I could handle the withdrawl better.

Do I sound fucking stabilized to you?? I'm so UN-fucking-stabilized I don't know what's going on from one hour to the next! Half the time I'm flirting with disaster and loving every minute of it, the other half I'm wishing and hoping for the disaster to hit so the pain will stop.

So let's see if I've got this straight... I'm extremely unstable and rapidly cycling, home life is chaotic, serious financial problems, let's not forget my white count, and a strained relationship with hubby that's now even more strained because of him wanting me to quit smoking. What, did he think I wanted life to be more of a challenge?? As if it weren't hard enough already.

I don't know what to do. I want to ask my shrink, but I don't see him until the 11th, I think. I could ask my therapist, but I don't think she'll understand. I don't think she believed what my doctor said when I was going to quit last time. I think she, like hubby, thought I was using that as an excuse to keep smoking. And I'll admit, I was. But that didn't mean I didn't believe it was the truth. I wasn't ready to quit and I didn't want to face a depression for trying to quit.

Honestly, the only reason I want to quit is they're so damn expensive. I don't care about the health reasons for quitting. What do they say, every one you smoke takes time off your life? Ok. Works for me. And quitting adds that time back? I don't know about that . You see, that plays into the whole prolonging the agony and misery that is my life. That's a bad thing.

I don't know how to deal with the huge amount of guilt and pressure that hubby's dumping on me. He's been dumping it for a while, but he's been ramping up the amount lately. I want to run away. There's no way to relieve the pressure that won't get me into trouble somehow. I feel trapped. Not a good place for me to be.

Would I be missed?

I think if anything were to happen to me people wouldn't really be too upset. Oh, everyone would act like they were upset, because that's what society calls for, but secretly they'd be relieved. They wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. I'm a miserable person to be around. Don't they think I know that? Even I don't want to be around me! I hate myself so much.

Does anyone see how much pain I'm in? Can anyone hear me crying out for help?

Bad neighborhood

My head is a bad neighborhood to be in.

I heard that on tv tonight. I thought it very fitting.