Thursday, September 14, 2006

I don't know who I am anymore

In class today my shrink actually had to tell me to stop because I was being very angry and saying mean things. That's not me. I don't know who that was. I'm not the kind of person who rages like that. It scares me that I can be like that. I'm normally a very nice person, but today I was just a major bitch.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm not so angry now, just ashamed and feeling very guilty about my behavior. I'm thinking very irrationally right now about most things.

I have to get up at 8am. That's in less than 5 hours. I'm not even sleepy and I know what will happen. I'll finally fall asleep around 4:30 or 5:00 and be dead tired when my alarm clock goes off. I hope I don't sleep through it. I've done that a couple of times when I was like this.

I can't afford to miss a session with my therapist. I see her at 9am tomorrow. I didn't have a session last week because she wasn't in that day and I don't want to go another week without that support. I really need it right now. I need to hear her reassure me that I'm not going insane and that I'll get through this.

So I think I'm going to go to bed and try to get a few hours of sleep.

100 Things about myself

I've seen this on blogs before and thought it was a neat idea. The trick is to try to keep it positive. I think I did a good job of that, but it took me 3 days to do it. It's very challenging. Can you do it? :-)

1. I've swam and played with dolphins.
2. I worked as a bartender.
3. I’m Wiccan.
4. I’m married to a wonderful, loving, hard-working man.
5. I love nature.
6. I’m very tender-hearted when it comes to animals.
7. I’m a perfectionist.
8. I’m a frustrated neat freak because of the times I’m too lazy to clean up after everyone else in the house.
9. I love Mountain Dew.
10. I love to be complimented on my cooking, but don’t like the actual work cooking involves.
11. I’m an avid reader.
12. I’m completely and hopelessly addicted to TV and movies.
13. I’m a very good speller.
14. I love to write (obviously), and I think I’m pretty good at it. :-)
15. I’ve been to another country.
16. I’m very knowledgeable about psychology.
17. I’ve swam in the Gulf of Mexico.
18. I’m pretty handy with computers. I’m the one everyone calls when their computer messes up.
19. I love to bake. Baking is different from cooking, so I don’t mind the work it involves. :-)
20. I like almost every kind of music there is.
21. I love musicals.
22. I’m a huge Donny Osmond fan.
23. I live with 2 cats inside and 2 outside. Spot is my kitty, Buddy is Hubby’s kitty, and the 2 girls Boo and Squirrel live outside. Pretty soon we’ll be cat ranchers, lol.
24. My favorite drink is an Amaretto Sour. Oh yum!
25. Strawberry Margaritas are pretty darn good too. ;-)
26. I pretty much only like chocolate that is at least 60% cacao. I think milk chocolate is too sweet.
27. I adore the TV show Charmed.
28. I’m a trekker.
29. I’m fascinated by the medical and mental health professions.
30. I love to learn.
31. I watch more documentary type shows than dramas or comedies.
32. My favorite subjects are science and ancient history (Egyptian, Greek, Roman).
33. I love rainstorms and have even been known to play in them or sit peacefully, all the while getting soaked. :-)
34. I love all types of puzzles: jigsaw, word find, etc…
35. I only cheat when I think I can get away with it. ;-)
36. I’m a smoker.
37. I go to sleep every night listening to the movie Clue.
38. I love spending money.
39. I can sit at the lake for hours and not want to leave.
40. I once got drunk in a hotel room on fuzzy navels.
41. I make friends for life.
42. My nickname in high school was Mr. Schneider (from the old TV show “The Monkees”). Long story, don’t ask…
43. I’ve been in over 40 plays.
44. I was on the President’s List every semester in Junior College.
45. I used to hate cheese, now I can’t get enough of it – especially melted on stuff. Mmmm…..
46. I’m a reformed nail biter.
47. I can be particularly clever and witty.
48. I dream of owning a genuine Faberge Egg some day.
49. I once screamed out loud while reading a Stephen King novel.
50. I once painted my kitchen cabinets royal purple with grey-blue doors…. Love that manic judgment.
51. I repainted those same cabinets a cream color once the mania wore off. :-)
52. I positively hate shaving my legs… I’ve lost quarts of blood over the years doing that activity.
53. I love to talk.
54. I have an addictive personality.
55. When I was 17 I went on a road trip to New Braunfels, TX with one of my best friends. No adults, just us.
56. I floated down the Guadalupe River in an inner tube during that trip and ended up looking like a freshly steamed lobster.
57. I had a bad habit of sneaking out of windows at night when I was a teenager.
58. I once got caught with a guy in my room in the middle of the night. (We weren’t doing anything, honest!) My brother was the one who snitched on me.
59. My hair has been champagne blond, auburn, brunette, purple, and black.
60. I cried like a baby when I read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
61. I’m a major procrastinator.
62. I like to dance around singing along to music when I clean.
63. I got sent home from work (Looney Land in Six Flags Over Texas) because of the aforementioned purple hair.
64. I got married when I was 20.
65. I love being very intelligent.
66. I can sing “Jingle Bells” in French.
67. I love to drive with the windows down and the heater on in the winter.
68. I have 2 tattoos, a flower wreath on each ankle.
69. I got the second tattoo when I was manic and acting childish and rebellious.
70. I can make a killer Margarita.
71. I’ve written several short stories.
72. I’ve never been stung by a bee or wasp.
73. A cat I once owned broke my hand.
74. I’ve since broken that same hand in that same spot 2 more times.
75. I’m a night owl.
76. I’ve been hospitalized for bipolar symptoms 5 times since 1995.
77. I once had a therapist who talked incessantly about his own “family recipe salsa”.
78. I met my husband on a blind date through a dating service.
79. I’m a Monty Python fan.
80. I met Donny Osmond once.
81. I dream of owning real estate and making money off of it, becoming wealthy.
82. I own a neurotic cat who chews her hair off by her tail (that would be Spot).
83. I’ve read the entire Incarnations of Immortality series by Piers Anthony at least 20 times.
84. My favorite floral scents are rose and honeysuckle.
85. I prefer staying home to going out.
86. My favorite painting is Girl with a Pearl Earring by Dutch artist Johannes Vermeer.
87. I love to sit outside in the middle of the night wrapped in a blanket listening to my water fountain.
88. I love animated Disney movies.
89. I’ve been to the summit of Pike’s Peak in Colorado.
90. I’ve never been arrested.
91. I have, however, been in the back of a police car once.
92. I’d love to be a published author.
93. I’ve done the whole tourist thing with one foot in the U.S. and the other in Mexico.
94. I have a lot of trouble swallowing pills. They get stuck in my throat.
95. I’ve won competitions with my strawberry cake.
96. I consistently made first chair in orchestra while in school.
97. I used to play the viola.
98. My favorite classical piece is Beethoven’s Fur Elise.
99. I taught myself how to play Fur Elise on the piano.
100. I can make a necklace out of beads made from rose petals.