Personal Truth

Last night I finally admitted something to myself: I don't care if I die. I know that's been rolling around in my head for several days now, since it was first pointed out to me. But something's changed about what that idea means to me. I don't know if I can even put it into words.

When I was first asked if I would care if something happened to me, I said no. But my answer was cavalier. I meant it, but it wasn't coming from the core of my being. I've thought a lot about that conversation since then. And I've really taken a look inside myself. Last night I realized that now it really is coming from the core of my being.

It's weird. The struggle inside is gone. I'm calm. I would still rate very high on the depression scale that I do for CBT, but the inner turmoil is gone. Once I accepted, truly accepted, that knowledge last night, I felt this peace descend over me. I've never felt anything like it.

My birthday is on Friday and the pagan gathering/party that I've been looking forward to since January is on the 13th. I don't want to miss either of those things. So I'm going to keep quiet for a while. Let this new level of understanding soak in.

In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the things I love. Being at the lake, listening to the birds and my fountain, watching the wind blow the trees. I'll spend time with hubby and show him how much I love him. I'll cuddle with my sweet cat. Watch a sunset, eat some chocolate, listen to music.

Even though I don't even have anything in mind with regards to my future, when I wrote that last paragraph I felt like I was listing the things I'll be saying goodbye to. I got a little sad. I guess that shows how much my thoughts have changed. It's real to me now. The illusions are all gone.

At the lake

I had to get out of the house today. My plan was to head to the mall, or maybe to the bookstore to read for a while. You can just settle in a big overstuffed chair and read a whole book without having to pay for it. For me, who's in big trouble for the finances damage, that's ideal. A bonus is that I can escape my life for a while. So those were my plans. I was all set to go. All I had with me were my keys, driver's license, and cell phone. No money, either paper or plastic.

I never made it to the mall or bookstore. I was feeling really bad so I decided to go to the lake for a while first. The lake soothes me. Once I got there I realized I wouldn't want to go to my dock because of all the rain. The roads would be muddy. I settled for the boat dock. No mud to get to that one. I sat on the dock for a while, then people started to come with boats. I watched them, wishing I could go for a ride. I love being in a boat on the water, and I never get the opportunity.

I started hoping that one of them would ask if I wanted a ride. If one of them had, I'd have said yes. Most of them talked to me, but it was all just small talk. Shortly before I left there was one guy who I thought might ask, but he had a boat problem. So I gave up and left. A boat ride would have been nice, though.

Smoking and Passive Suicide

Hubby is getting very impatient. He's adamant about quitting smoking. And he says he can't quit unless I do, too. He's pressuring me a lot. I do want him to quit. Part of me wants to quit, too. But I'm also very scared.

The last time I quit I went into a tailspin and dropped into a major depression that lasted months. At the time my doctor said quitting had caused the depression because of the chemical changes in my brain and that if I tried to quit again, most likely I'd crash again. I was going to quit in January, but I was depressed and unstable and he advised waiting to quit until I got stabilized. So that I could handle the withdrawl better.

Do I sound fucking stabilized to you?? I'm so UN-fucking-stabilized I don't know what's going on from one hour to the next! Half the time I'm flirting with disaster and loving every minute of it, the other half I'm wishing and hoping for the disaster to hit so the pain will stop.

So let's see if I've got this straight... I'm extremely unstable and rapidly cycling, home life is chaotic, serious financial problems, let's not forget my white count, and a strained relationship with hubby that's now even more strained because of him wanting me to quit smoking. What, did he think I wanted life to be more of a challenge?? As if it weren't hard enough already.

I don't know what to do. I want to ask my shrink, but I don't see him until the 11th, I think. I could ask my therapist, but I don't think she'll understand. I don't think she believed what my doctor said when I was going to quit last time. I think she, like hubby, thought I was using that as an excuse to keep smoking. And I'll admit, I was. But that didn't mean I didn't believe it was the truth. I wasn't ready to quit and I didn't want to face a depression for trying to quit.

Honestly, the only reason I want to quit is they're so damn expensive. I don't care about the health reasons for quitting. What do they say, every one you smoke takes time off your life? Ok. Works for me. And quitting adds that time back? I don't know about that . You see, that plays into the whole prolonging the agony and misery that is my life. That's a bad thing.

I don't know how to deal with the huge amount of guilt and pressure that hubby's dumping on me. He's been dumping it for a while, but he's been ramping up the amount lately. I want to run away. There's no way to relieve the pressure that won't get me into trouble somehow. I feel trapped. Not a good place for me to be.

Would I be missed?

I think if anything were to happen to me people wouldn't really be too upset. Oh, everyone would act like they were upset, because that's what society calls for, but secretly they'd be relieved. They wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. I'm a miserable person to be around. Don't they think I know that? Even I don't want to be around me! I hate myself so much.

Does anyone see how much pain I'm in? Can anyone hear me crying out for help?

Bad neighborhood

My head is a bad neighborhood to be in.

I heard that on tv tonight. I thought it very fitting.

Worthless and alone

I wanted to call my therapist today. I needed to hear her voice, listen to her rationality, but was too afraid to. I'm in a very bad place today. Somehow I can't account for $700.00 and hubby is pissed. I don't know where it went. I don't even remember spending it.

I'm worthless. I can't do anything right. I've screwed up the finances majorly and I haven't cleaned the house. I don't want to do anything but lay down and stop. I'm so tired.

The urge to cut is really strong right now. If I hurt on the outside, it will distract me from the immense pain on the inside. At least for a little while. At this point I'll take whatever I can get.

I want to reach out. Ask for help. But there's no one to go to anymore. I've driven everyone away. Even hubby is sick of me and my crap. The only reason he's still hanging around is the kind of man he is. Yes, he loves me, but love only goes so far. You can love someone and not be able to stand being around them. But marriage is forever for him. You take the bad with the good. But if he'd known what he was signing up for all those years ago, he would have run so fast as far away from me as he could. I don't blame him. I would too.

The Invisible Line

Everyone is so sick and tired of dealing with me. Why don't I ever learn?? When I was 16 I almost lost my best friend because she was tired of all my crap. The only way I kept the friendship was to learn very quickly not to lean on people. You can use them up in a heartbeat. Ever since then I've tried very hard not to use people up.

Sometimes I come across someone who says they want to help, so I let them in a little. They say to come to them if I need them. I don't at first, then when they continue to say it's ok to come to them, I lean on them a little more. I start to feel like I can count on them to be there when I need them.

Then everything changes.

There must be a line. A line between how much leaning is ok and what's way too much. It must be a very fine line because I can't see it. And no one will tell me where it is! I always seem to cross it, though. Then everyone starts backing away, distancing themselves from me. Acting more irritated and abrupt, as if tired of me. I never know that I've crossed that line until it's too late. Then I don't know what to do.

I'm a stupid person who can't learn from the past. I've done this so many times, you'd think I'd know by now. But not me. No. Why do I keep doing this? Why can't I learn where that stupid line is?

Weary

I'm beginning to think the bipolar may win in the end. Right now it's stronger than I am. And it certainly has more endurance and stamina than I have. This past month has proven that. I'm so tired of the fight. The question is, do I have enough left in me to try to turn this episode around? Honestly, I don't know. Tonight my answer is no. But tomorrow I may feel differently. There's just no predicting it anymore.

I'm not actively suicidal. But if something were to happen to me, I wouldn't mind. You know how in movies there'd be a person dying of something and the doctors would say if only they had to will to fight, to live. Well, if I were that patient, I wouldn't have the will.

I'm close to giving up. Maybe that's where the frantic panicky feelings have been coming from. From my stupid instinct of survival. Maybe inside I'm screaming for help. I don't know. But what I do know, however, is that if that help is only temporary and just prolongs the agony, maybe I don't want it. That's only false hope. And that's the kind of hope you don't want. It just sets you up for more pain now and later on down the road.

My shrink sees this. He knows that I'm close. Closer than ever before to ending it. I think he thinks that if somebody doesn't help me for real, and soon, that I'll die, whether it be by my hand or something else. I've been offered the illusion of help for 16 years. I don't want any more illusions. If it's not real, then I don't want it. He sees all this. He knows. I think maybe he can help, but the only problem is that it's 2-3 weeks between sessions with him. That's a very long time.

What in the hell was I thinking?

I'm mortified. Ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated. What the hell was I thinking these past couple of days? It was like I was a whole other person. I'm lucky I wasn't raped or killed in a high speed car accident. My judgement was totally gone. I know that if any one of my mental health care team had witnessed me at the worst, I would have been hospitalized for my own safety. Not for suicidal thoughts, but to protect me from my own judgement. To stop me from ruining my life. I came so very close to ruining my life.

I feel so bad. I want to cry and I want to cut. I want to cut very very badly. I want a lot of cuts and I want to see the blood and feel the sting of the blade. God, the urge to cut is so bad I'm shaking.

I talked to one of the nurses today. Told her about this latest swing. She talked to my doctor and he's seeing me tomorrow.

Bliss in the heavens

I wanna dance! Turn up the bass and blast the music! And I wanna have sex. I'm so horny!! Unfortunately hubby's asleep. It really sucks. I still have just enough of a shred of conscience that I won't go looking for someone to screw. I can't do that to hubby. But if I weren't married, I guarantee you I'd have already been out there sleeping with tons of guys. I know what you're thinking. Slut. Nope. I just want to have fun and enjoy life right now. Life is glorious! Why not indulge in its many pleasures? My inhibitions are almost completely gone. It's like I get to be drunk without the nasty taste and without the hangover the next day, lol.

It's after 1am and I'm still totally revved. I'm thinking about going to Wal-Mart and getting some new clothes. I'm in the mood for something very low cut. I have a top that's really low cut, but I don't especially like the way it fits the rest of me. But I'll wear it tomorrow if I don't go shopping tonight. Or I could wear my brown halter top and black mini skirt. Hmmm... the only problem with that outfit is the halter isn't low cut. No cleavage shows. Cleavage is what I'm aiming for. Of course, I could wear the low cut top and just put on my little tan wrap. That would hide the rest of the fit that I don't like. The top is black and I could pair it up with the black mini skirt. Add black heels and voila! Sexy outfit. That sounds like a plan to me. And since it's supposed to be pretty chilly tomorrow, the wrap would work nicely.

I talked to my therapist today (not to be confused with my shrink). I did not, however, call the nurses at the med clinic. We're gonna see if I settle down on my own. But just between you and me, I'm fine. I'm happier than I've been in a long time. And since I'm plagued with such severe depression most of the time, I think I deserve some joy and fun, don't you?

While we were talking I was laughing a lot and I could hear the smile in her voice. I started thinking back and every time I've been like this everyone around me was also smiling and laughing. My euphoria is infectious. Everyone loves to be around me when I'm like this. Well who wouldn't be? ;-)

The Episode that wouldn't end

Sounds like a 1950's B horror movie, doesn't it? Well, I guess it kinda is. Although, what played on my screen would never have been on the silver screen back then. I got hit with a major manic swing today. I was in an electronics store and this guy turned the bass up really loud on some speakers. Normally that would irritate me to no end and I'd be thinking about how rude he was. Not today.

I had just a flash of the irritation, then I heard the music. It was the kind they play at raves. That was all it took. I wanted to start dancing right there in the store. Poor hubby. He walked into that store with a sober wife, walked out with a drunk one who wanted to party.

I really didn't want to go home. I went so far as to tell hubby that if he didn't go home I'd flash him right there in the truck. I thought he'd declined the offer, but when we passed the street we live on I was thrilled. And yes, I flashed him, lol. That's so very unlike me. All I wanted to do was for him to find a place to pull over so we could have sex. I didn't really even care if it was secluded or not. The thought of people seeing us have sex actually fueled my passion and mania.

Eventually we went home, and I started to come down from the high. I can't believe I acted like that. But there's still tendrils of today's swing. I'm still feeling very sexual. And I still feel like I want to run away.

It's probably not a good thing that I won't be seeing my doc for 5 weeks since he's out of town. Before he left he lowered my lithium due to side effects. That was only last Thursday. 4 days ago. And I've already had a breakthrough of off the chart mania. I know I've been mixed for a month now, but I'll tell you... the way I was today, I haven't been that high since the mania first hit. That one was so severe I'm lucky I wasn't hospitalized. Since then, it's been low to medium level intensity. Until today, that is. And I can feel it just beneath the surface, like a cat, coiled, waiting to strike. I gotta tell you. It felt awesome. Especially compared with how I've been feeling this past week or so.

I know I should call my clinic in the morning even though my doc is out of town, but I'm not sure I want to. Today felt really great. I know, I know. The problem is, it won't stay that way. The spending will go out of control, the thoughts won't slow down - only go faster, the sleep will disappear - so will the eating, and I won't be able to slow down at all. The switch will get stuck in overdrive. So although this is the fun part, I know it doesn't last. And I really hate the other parts. I guess I'll call them and let them know. The funny thing is, I'm 100% compliant with my meds. I don't know what they'll be able to do.

Just on a side note: tomorrow I'm buying 2 tickets to the Beltane Bash. Hubby and I are going, even though he's Christian and it's a pagan party. I'm the pagan one in this household. :-) I'm very excited because I thought the tickets were all gone, but I found out tonight that there's still a few left! I'm getting them first thing in the morning! Now I just have to figure out what to wear.

The Brewing Storm

You know how tornadoes can be really strong then start to slow down and weaken, only to have it build in intensity and strength again? Well that's this mixed episode I'm in. The intensity and strength are building again. When will this mixed episode end?? Every time I think it's over, a day or two later I'm in the throes of it once again. I'm beginning to think it won't ever let me go.

It's my fault. I'm the one who put me in this maelstrom of emotions. My doctor warned me that if I increased the dosage of my antidepressant this could happen. He said if it did happen, the lithium may not be able to pull me back. Well, it looks like he was right after all. Because the lithium definitely hasn't pulled me back.

The doctor has had to lower my lithium because I'm shaking like an addict who's gone too long without her fix. Lowering the dose worries me a lot. If it can't pull me back at my current dose, how on earth can it on a lower one? Answer: it can't.

It's gotten really bad. The sea of emotions is so choppy that I can't identify any of them unless they're so strong they're screaming at me. And my mind is gone. I can't remember anything. I have to read things over and over like 10 times each, sometimes having to repeat the process 3 or 4 times just to have a hope of retaining what I've read. If I just read it once, it's like I never read it. It's gone as soon as I'm done reading the words. That makes me so mad!

This disease is slowly taking me apart piece by piece. Soon there'll be nothing left of me. I'm scared.

The Therapist's Anthem

There's a song by one of my favorite artists, Donny Osmond, that is perfect for a therapist. It's called "Whenever You're In Trouble" off his album What I Meant To Say. He wrote the song for his children, but I think it works for therapists, too. Every time I hear the song, I can hear my shrink saying these words to me. Let me know what you think. Here's the lyrics. Copyright Donny Osmond.

Whenever You're In Trouble
By Donny Osmond ©

Tell me from the heart,
In your eyes I see the pain,
It's tearing you apart,
Let me take it all away,
You know someone believes in you,
When they love you no matter what you do,
You know you are home
And you're not alone,
When you hear me say...

(Chorus)
Whenever you're in trouble,
Whenever you may need me,
I will fight for you,
I will help you through,
Whenever life's deceiving,
I'll give you new meaning,
No matter where you are,
You're always in my heart,
Whenever you're in trouble I will be right here...

Sometimes you're gonna find,
Nothing goes the way you planned,
But whatever's on your mind,
I will try to understand,
You know someone is by your side,
When they help you through the darkest night,
You know you are home,
And you're not alone,
When you hear me say...

(Chorus)

Now's the time
To share what you're feeling inside,
No matter how long it takes,
No matter how many mistakes!

Oh, now's the time
To reach and you will find,
That whenever you need me to care,
I'll always be there

(Chorus)

Whenever you're in trouble I will be right here.

A lifetime of misery lies ahead

I absolutely hate lithium. Oh, it works very well at keeping the mania at bay (haven't decided if that's a good thing or not yet), however what it does even better is drag me down into the pit of depression and keep me there in a stranglehold. I'm sick and tired of the bipolar roller coaster. Up and down.

They've been working for at least 3 or 4 years now to stabilize me and maintain it. It hasn't happened yet. Why?? Am I one of the lucky ones who can look forward to never stabilizing? Will I be this way for my entire life? If the meds won't work, then why should I even take them at all? I mean right now I'm just like an unmedicated bipolar, yet I am medicated. The crap just doesn't work!

Why should I keep going on? Why am I still here? Because I'm a coward, that's why. My last suicide attempt would have succeeded if I hadn't gotten scared and gotten help at an emergency room. If I had just gone to sleep that night instead of waking hubby up, I wouldn't be dealing with all of this right now, not to mention for the rest of my miserable life.

I've been told that life beats nothing. I don't know. Nothing sounds pretty nice right now. I mean really, how can nothing be bad? Nothing implies neither good nor bad. There's just nothing.

The instinct of self-preservation and not wanting to hurt those I love. That's really why I'm still here. One day those won't have the hold over me that they currently do. And once that happens, there won't be anything keeping me here anymore.

Sleepwalking and spiralling

I sleepwalked again. I haven't done that in a long time. I thought years, but hubby says maybe as recently as 6 months ago. Funny, no one told me.

I woke up this morning and there were 2 of my hair bands on my night stand. I just stared at them trying to figure out why they were there. They weren't there when I went to bed last night. I haven't even worn any of them in at least a couple of months. I usually keep them in a box on my bathroom counter.

I shrugged and went into the bathroom. There in front of the sink was hubby's razor. I remember thinking that's not supposed to be there either.

I guess I should explain that I'm a neat freak. Everything has its place and I really really don't like it when things are wrong. Sometimes hubby calls me Mrs. Monk. :-)

So here were 2 things in the wrong place, both moved since I went to sleep. I know what you're thinking. Hubby moved them. Nope, he was asleep hours before me and he hadn't touched them this morning.

This afternoon I was sitting outside by the fountain when I remembered a fragment of a dream I had last night where I was sitting on my bed holding the razor and hair bands and thinking there should be 3 and something wasn't right. It was very important that they be the right things. So I put the razor back in the bathroom because it wasn't right. That's all I remember of the dream. Then it all made sense. I'd been sleepwalking. Great.

As if I didn't have enough shit to deal with right now. For some reason sleepwalking's very embarrassing for me. Maybe I'll discuss it with my shrink. Maybe he'll have some words of wisdom. That would be nice.

You know what I feel like? Remember those big blue round things they had at grocery stores sponsored by Aquafina? Where you put a coin at the rim and it spiralled down on its edge faster and faster until it dropped into the black hole in the center, never to be seen again? That's how I feel. Only I'm the penny.

I have the coolest shrink

My shrink gave me his email address earlier this week. He's actually the first one I've had that was computer literate, I think. The rest acted like all this stuff baffles them. But not him. I feel like I've emailed him a ton since then, although in actuality, it's only been 3. And one of them was a response to his email.

But that's one of my issues. I don't want to feel like a burden, so I rarely let medical and mental health professionals know the whole story. I also feel so needy that if unchecked, I'd probably contact them all the time. At least every other day. Way too much. I'd be a nuisance if I did that. So I keep myself restrained. At least usually. Last night, I couldn't.

I sent him an email at 3:30am. I was pretty upset and depressed and I asked him questions like "why do we keep going when we're ready to quit?" "why is it so wrong for someone to want to end their suffering?" Things like that. I hope I didn't scare the crap out of him. I tried to reassure him in the email that I wasn't going to do anything, that I was just feeling pretty bad.

He answered me this morning and said if you can't talk to your shrink, who can you talk to? And that email is convenient for him, so not to worry about it.

His answer to my question was that people only ask that question when they're depressed, never when they're happy. That feelings change and for all of time, almost all of the people have felt that it was worth it.

I've always heard that things change. I just never thought you could have a 20 year stretch with so much pain that you thought you couldn't endure it another minute. I thought there had to be a break in between. Oh, I'm sure there have been breaks, but they're not long at all and few and far between. And when I get like this, it's very hard to remember the breaks at all.

Goddess, I'm feeling so depressed right now. Coming out of mania sucks. It's the freaking Lithium, I tell you! Not only does it stop my mania, but worse, it sends me spiralling down the dark pit of depression and keeps me there. I'm so fucking SICK of ending up here again!

The wild teenager

So it's not completely gone after all. :-)

I'm feeling reckless and daring. Hyper-sexual. If only hubby would comply... I'm going crazy here! You should see me driving in my car. Racing at top speed with the seat belt on only long enough to silence that annoying ding ding ding. Then off comes the seat belt and up goes the radio. I blast some rockin' music and sing at the top of my lungs. I must be a sight! lol

I'm wanting to spend spend spend, buy buy buy. I'm feeling wild and creative. I want to paint, write (hence this blog), dance, play and a million other things. I'm feeling very playful. And mischievious, definitely mischievious. ;-)

I told my shrink today that my judgement is crystal clear. Everything is crystal clear. He said I might want to rethink that. That it's not as clear as I thought. I trust that he knows what he's talking about. It sure seems like I have clarity, though.

It's wierd. I feel like this, yet I rated 82 out of 100 on a depression scale. I don't feel depressed, but I have most of the symptoms of depression. I guess if you're gonna be depressed, this is the way to go. You know, since my mania was induced by an anti-depressant, I actually experienced a mixed mood. It was awful. It makes sense that since my mania eased to hypomania, that the mixed mood would ease also but still be there. Did that make any sense?

I'm so very thirsty. Stupid lithium. For probably the first time in my life I'm actually getting the recommended 8 glasses and then some. I can't seem to get enough water. But I've been warned to be careful. Too much water and I could flush that icky lithium right out of my system. Then I would have taken it for nothing. We certainly don't want that, do we?

What did my mania ever do to you?

Why, oh why kill that lovely creature? It never did anything to you, yet there it lies, dead. By your hands, dear doctor. I felt free. Alive. Happy. Full of the energy of life! However to you, these were obviously symptoms of an abnormal psychology at work. So you pulled out your trusty scrip pad and proceded to demolish what little chance I had at real happiness. To tell the truth, at times the intensity was overwhelming. That's why I came to you in the first place, dear doctor. Not because you said to come if I cycled up, but because I wanted you to turn down the intensity just a bit. Well, you turned it down, alright. Right into the ground. Now all I'm left with is an emptiness inside and a longing for what was. The drugs you're pumping into me assures my sweet mania won't return for a long long time, if ever. Now I'm in a holding pattern. Waiting to see if the black soul sucking depression smashes me in the face.

I don't understand. You fill me with drugs you say you don't want to give, in order to alleviate the soul sucking depression. It works. I'm filled with the Light of Life and then you say that's not right either. Would you make up your freaking mind?? There seems to be no middle ground for me. I'm one or the other. I've been wanting you to decide for a while now as to which end of the spectrum you think I should be on. Well, now I have my answer. You want me with the soul suckers. Where no light escapes. Where no life can exist for long.

You say that I'll never get anti-depressants from this clinic again (in my head the phrase "You'll never work in this town again!" spins round and round - I try not to laugh). That you won't go through this again. Funny, and here I thought I was the one with the elevated energy level, insomnia, recklessness, and super good mood. What exactly, dear doctor, have you gone through?

Why did you do this to me?! You take away my mania, say I'll most likely crash into a depression, then tell me you won't help me if I get depressed?! That I'll just have to be depressed! Hello?! That's a real good thing to say to someone who gets suicidally depressed. Someone who's impulsive. Someone who has acted on those impulses in the past. Yeah, tell that person they'll just have to be depressed. Let's see how long she lasts.

You say the only thing left for me is CBT, a therapy process that takes several months to be able to lessen the bipolar swings. Not prevent, just lessen. It's once a week and I only started 2 weeks ago! If I crash any time soon, I'm in trouble. I'm alone in the dark and I don't know where or who to turn to. What do I do now?