My previous scores

Here are my scores (explained in post 'Balance between episodes'), from the first to the latest. Remember it ranges from 0-100 (100 being worst).

3/22/06........a-56 ....d-86 ....e-83
3/26/06........a-62 ....d-91 ....e-85
3/28/06........a-81 ....d-80 ....e-87
4/4/06..........a-62 ....d-82 ....e-90
4/12/06........a-95 ....d-81 ....e-66
4/19/06........a-79 ....d-85 ....e-62
4/26/06........a-77 ....d-84 ....e-75
5/3/06..........a-61 ....d-92 ....e-33
5/10/06........a-81 ....d-90 ....e-35
5/17/06........a-62 ....d-89 ....e-41
5/24/06.......a-54 ....d-94 ....e-53
6/7/06..........a-65 ....d-75 ....e-40
6/14/06........a-43 ....d-82 ....e-52
6/21/06........a-57 ....d-79 ....e-61
6/28/06........a-76 ....d-90 ....e-58
7/5/06..........a-60 ....d-92 ....e-60
7/12/06........a-60 ....d-92 ....e-62
7/26/06........a-77 ....d-85 ....e-57
8/2/06..........a-15 ....d-31 ....e-27
8/9/06..........a-15 ....d-16 ....e-19
8/16/06........a-6 ......d-9 ......e-11
8/23/06........a-7 ......d-7 ......e-9
8/30/06........a-3 .....d-3 ......e-5

In the rainstorm

Today I sat outside in the rain. It rained very hard for a long time and I just sat there enjoying the feel of the water, the smell of the rain, and the sound of raindrops hitting everything around me. I got a lot of weird looks from people driving down the street, though. But I didn't care. I wanted to be in the rainstorm. I certainly feel like it's in me.

As I said in my last post, I'm not sure whether I'm getting depressed or manic. Funny, I can usually tell, even at the beginning of an episode. But I can't tell this time. I'm experiencing a lot of the signs of a beginning depression, but there's a lot of signs of a beginning mania, too:

anger, anxiety, sadness, edginess, crying, less sleep, surges of energy, no energy, crankiness, overly sensitive, loss of appetite, neediness, recklessness, more sexual, impulsive, wanting to spend money, less ability to concentrate, wanting to be violent, wanting to stop my meds.

As you can tell, there's elements of both. Part of me is very afraid that instead of being one or the other it will be another mixed episode. In my last episode the lines were blurred between mania and depression. It was so awful. I don't ever want to feel that way again, and I'm so scared that I'll have to.

Probably one of the worst parts of starting to cycle is that I can see myself changing. I can still think and realize that I'm not functioning properly. Able to see what's happening, but unable to stop it. That's how I feel right now. Helpless to stop what I know is coming and unable to escape.

Perched on the edge

You know, looking back over this blog, I see that I was great at describing the worst of what I was going through. However, I didn't show the other side of bipolar - the time in between episodes - at all. I wish I had. Maybe it would have helped me to balance myself now. That and it would let people know that it's not always that bad.

I'm starting to cycle again. I can't tell yet whether I'm headed up or down, but I know I'm headed somewhere. I'm not able to let things go as easily as I have been able to over this last month. I'm much quicker to anger and slower to calm down. I've been crying more often. Not wanting to go to sleep. I'm sad that I'm losing my balance.

I'm still having periods where I'm calm and balanced. I haven't progressed into a full blown episode yet. Thank goodness for that. But I can tell I'm not as stable as I have been. It's hard to recall those feelings of calm and balance that I've been experiencing for 5 weeks now. It's a little harder to concentrate. For example, when I'm driving and have to make a left turn to cross traffic, I hesitate longer. I'm not as sure of my reaction time.

I've had this illness for well over a decade, probably closer to 15 years. Cycling doesn't come as a surprise anymore, but I still get very angry when it happens. It catches me off guard and I don't feel like I've had enough of a break. I'm so sick and tired of the cycles.

When I get to have those wonderful periods of calm, I'm reminded of what I'd probably be like if I didn't have bipolar. It's amazing the difference in me. I'm calm, balanced, strong, confident, easy-going, and a problem solver when I'm in between episodes. I'm none of those when I'm cycling.

Right now I'm perched on the edge and can see both sides. Where I'm coming from and where I'm going to. It's frustrating to know that I'll lose all of those qualities and become swept up in the pain again. It's like finally waking from a bad dream and then being sucked back into it knowing you'll forget that you ever woke up and were free.

I really hate this.