Motivations for feeling self-destructive

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted here. This month has been very difficult. Not only did I lose my mom, but the IRS levied our bank accounts and one of my cats is so sick we may have to put him to sleep. I've been spending a lot of time on a site called Suicide Forum. It's been helping me a lot, since I've been so suicidal and self-destructive lately. I'm also meeting other bipolars and finding out that I'm not as alone as I thought I was in this.

Like I said, I've been feeling very self-destructive as of late. I did a lot of thinking about it the other day and this is what I've come up with as to the what's and why's of it. I'd love some feedback on it, see what you guys think:

I'm feeling a very strong desire to be self-destructive. I'm wanting to knock myself out with pills. I want to drive very fast without a seat belt. I want to take a whole bunch of pills and drink a lot of alcohol. I can't explain why, but I want something to happen to me. I want to feel in physical danger. Why?? What the hell is wrong with me that I'm wanting to go out and look for danger? I'm feeling very impulsive. I'm wanting to put myself in dangerous situations. And I know I should care about the consequences, but I don't, even though that's selfish.

I know this is dangerous thinking for me. And there is a small part inside that's a little concerned that I'm feeling this way again. Once when I was feeling this way I acted on it in a drastic way. I ended up being sexually assaulted. During the assault I didn't care what was happening to me, but for a long time later I did. Not only did I have to deal with the emotional aftermath of the assault itself, but I was horrified at what I'd done. I'd gone looking for trouble and it found me. Once again I'm walking that line of not caring what happens to me, of actually wanting to ask for trouble.

These are feelings that are very difficult for me to put into words. Even when I'm thinking these thoughts, they're really more like what it's like to remember an emotion you'd felt. I mean, yeah, I think about what action I want to take, but everything else is all thought out in emotion. That makes it hard to pin down the why's and motivations for me.

This is what I've been able to come up with:

Sometimes the consequences are a punishment. At those times I do believe that I deserve it. But not always. Really, it depends on my mood. For example, if I'm depressed then it tends to lean toward punishment. But if I'm manic it's the adrenaline and risk-taking that's forefront in my mind.

Which part of the day it is, is also a factor. During the day I lean more toward the risk-taking aspect; in the middle of the night, however, it's a different story. That's more likely the time when I feel I deserve to be punished. During the day my danger seeking behaviors are usually focused on things like driving fast without a seatbelt, seeking out people and situations that are dangerous, etc. During the night the behaviors shift more toward taking too many pills, or mixing them with alcohol, cutting, etc. But it's not cutting because I feel overwhelmed. When I cut for that reason, it's usually only a couple of cuts. If I'm wanting danger through cutting, it's more like 20 or 30 cuts.

It's kind of like day = outward and fun, night = inward and punishment. Usually, at least.

During the day if on the slim chance something bad were to happen, that would be ok. I don't really care, probably because I don't really believe anything bad will happen to me. During the night is more when I actually want something bad to happen. That's when I get disappointed and angry when it doesn't. And when nothing happens, it reinforces the belief that nothing bad can or will happen to me.

The disappointment part is really hard for me to define, even to myself. It's multi-layered. Maybe if nothing happens, then the risk wasn't big enough. There's also the belief and desire that I be punished, and when it doesn't happen, I get disappointed and sometimes very angry. Part of it is coming from that old desire to die, but not be responsible. But that's not the whole thing... I keep trying to prove myself wrong about the belief that nothing bad can happen to me. For some reason, that's a very distressing belief for me. I don't always feel all of those reasons for disappointment. It varies.

As far as it being pleasurable to have something bad happen to me, that's part of it too. I think that comes from the same part of me that enjoys cutting.

Actually, the whole thing is comparable to having a mixed episode. You never know what you're going to get.