Worthless and alone

I wanted to call my therapist today. I needed to hear her voice, listen to her rationality, but was too afraid to. I'm in a very bad place today. Somehow I can't account for $700.00 and hubby is pissed. I don't know where it went. I don't even remember spending it.

I'm worthless. I can't do anything right. I've screwed up the finances majorly and I haven't cleaned the house. I don't want to do anything but lay down and stop. I'm so tired.

The urge to cut is really strong right now. If I hurt on the outside, it will distract me from the immense pain on the inside. At least for a little while. At this point I'll take whatever I can get.

I want to reach out. Ask for help. But there's no one to go to anymore. I've driven everyone away. Even hubby is sick of me and my crap. The only reason he's still hanging around is the kind of man he is. Yes, he loves me, but love only goes so far. You can love someone and not be able to stand being around them. But marriage is forever for him. You take the bad with the good. But if he'd known what he was signing up for all those years ago, he would have run so fast as far away from me as he could. I don't blame him. I would too.

The Invisible Line

Everyone is so sick and tired of dealing with me. Why don't I ever learn?? When I was 16 I almost lost my best friend because she was tired of all my crap. The only way I kept the friendship was to learn very quickly not to lean on people. You can use them up in a heartbeat. Ever since then I've tried very hard not to use people up.

Sometimes I come across someone who says they want to help, so I let them in a little. They say to come to them if I need them. I don't at first, then when they continue to say it's ok to come to them, I lean on them a little more. I start to feel like I can count on them to be there when I need them.

Then everything changes.

There must be a line. A line between how much leaning is ok and what's way too much. It must be a very fine line because I can't see it. And no one will tell me where it is! I always seem to cross it, though. Then everyone starts backing away, distancing themselves from me. Acting more irritated and abrupt, as if tired of me. I never know that I've crossed that line until it's too late. Then I don't know what to do.

I'm a stupid person who can't learn from the past. I've done this so many times, you'd think I'd know by now. But not me. No. Why do I keep doing this? Why can't I learn where that stupid line is?