Triggered

I watched a show on tv last week where a guy took a whole bottle of sleeping pills at once. Oh man, did that trigger me. I got an almost overpowering urge to take pills. That's been one of my coping skills in the past. When things got too bad, I'd take a handful or more of prescription medication.

I want to take pills so bad. I want to cut. I even want to do something I did once before - make a kind of tea from the Oleander plant. It's a very poisonous plant. Honestly, I don't know how I survived that.

I don't know why I want to do these things. I just know that I think about it a lot; I find my thoughts coming back to it several times a day.

With all these thoughts and urges, I don't need to lose my hope. Even if it is false hope, it's better than none at all. None at all means I give up - Game Over.

Bipolar math

Let's look at it this way: For about 4 months I was suffering constantly. Then I had about a month of freedom. If you look at that for a year's time, then 10 out of 12 months I'm in anguish. I get 2 months off a year. Looking back, that sounds about right. Is 2 months out of a whole year worth it? What's really scary is if you multiply that times 50 years. I don't even want to do the math on that one. I shouldn't do the math. That would just make it worse.

Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get an extra month of respite every few years. And let's not forget that bipolar if not treated (or in my case, unsuccessfully treated) only gets worse as time goes on. So I'm looking at a massive chunk of my life spent in unending pain from this. Almost my entire life left, actually.

How do I face that?