Losing it completely

In the middle of January I remembered I was raped in June of 1997.

In the middle of February I lost my father in law. He passed away on 2-20-2009 at 5:45pm.

In the middle of February I remembered I was raped by more than 1 man. There were 2 and it was brutal and all done at knife point.

I need to go to the hospital because I'm not safe. I have tons of insulin here. I could overdose. I could slit my wrists. I could step in front of a moving car or bus.

I'm. not. safe.

But I can't go to the hospital. I have too much I need to do. Too many people depend on me. I'm coming apart at the seams. I can feel it.

I think I'm gonna go have a drink.

Coping the wrong way

I can't believe I did this again. I haven't cut for so very long and here I went and did it again. I know it's a bad coping skill, so why did I do it? The only thing I can think of is I'm working through something very traumatic.

In 1997 I was sexually assaulted by a stranger at knife point. I never talked about it. Never dealt with it in therapy. Never even brought it up. It was barely even a footnote in my history. My therapist and abuse survivors group at the time never talked about it. They never asked how I was. Never once. I took that to mean that it must not be important. That it was no big deal. That I wasn't worth worrying about. Not important enough.

Back then, I cut a lot. I was working through childhood sexual abuse issues. In the years since then I've learned much better coping skills than cutting on myself.

I'm really not looking forward to facing my therapist and psychiatrist with my arm like this. And I'm really really hoping that I can keep it concealed from my husband until it's all healed and he'll never have to know about it. I know he'd be very upset with me if he found out.

Geez, it's 2:30 am. I need to go to bed and try to get some sleep.

A Deep Ache

I'm feeling very lonely right now. It aches deep inside. The downward spiral is starting again, I'm afraid. It's not a constant thing. There are times during the day that I can distract myself with things I'm interested in and enjoy those things. But in all the holes of time in between... it's getting uncomfortable.

I'm having a very hard time sleeping. I took my sleeping pill and an anti-anxiety med at 2:30 am and I was awake at 6:45 am. That shouldn't have happened. I should still be sound asleep. I'm so very tired. I'm getting desperate for good sleep.