Which path to take?

I can feel deep inside that I'm all out of strength and I know I need them to take over for me.

However, now I have another foe. I got my lab work back. My white count is still way too high. It hasn't changed at all in these past 3 weeks. Whispers of leukemia drift in the background. That scares me.

But these new feelings I have toward my bipolar scare me too.

So now the question is: which do I focus on? Do I put what energy I have left into my mental health or physical health? Because I'll be totally honest with you - I don't have the strength or energy to do both. Maybe not even one at this point. My reserves are all tapped out.

What do I do? Hubby and my friend say to focus on the bipolar. I'm afraid to not focus on the other. What if not focusing on it makes it worse? And if I focus on the other, I'm afraid the bipolar will win. It's already so close anyways.

I don't know what to do, and to ask those who can advise would automatically put me on the bipolar path. Maybe that's the one I should choose. It certainly is the more dangerous of the two since I've lost my will and faith, I would think. But then again, I'm not a medical doctor, so how am I supposed to know the other isn't just as dangerous, just in a different way.

My fears are going around in circles. I'm not going to get anywhere tonight. I think I just need to keep walking in the direction I was already pointed and see what happens from there. Maybe they can help me be more comfortable with that decision.

Elusivity defined

I finally defined what's been so elusive these past few days. I've lost 2 things:

1) the will to fight
2) the faith that my bipolar will get better

I need both of those to survive this illness. Otherwise I'll just lay down and die. Which is what I'm willing to do at this point, and I don't like it at all.

I want to be clear on something. I'm NOT suicidal. I have no visions or plans to overdose on meds or shoot myself with one of hubby's guns. I don't want to die. I want to live. And I believe in order to live, I need to get those 2 things back that I lost. I just don't know how to do that.

All I can hope is that they don't lock me up. I'm not in imminent danger. I'm not even suicidal. The only thing I am is if I were knocked down onto a railroad track with a train coming, I wouldn't care about getting back up. Is that enough to lock me up? I don't know. This is new territory for me.