What in the hell was I thinking?

I'm mortified. Ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated. What the hell was I thinking these past couple of days? It was like I was a whole other person. I'm lucky I wasn't raped or killed in a high speed car accident. My judgement was totally gone. I know that if any one of my mental health care team had witnessed me at the worst, I would have been hospitalized for my own safety. Not for suicidal thoughts, but to protect me from my own judgement. To stop me from ruining my life. I came so very close to ruining my life.

I feel so bad. I want to cry and I want to cut. I want to cut very very badly. I want a lot of cuts and I want to see the blood and feel the sting of the blade. God, the urge to cut is so bad I'm shaking.

I talked to one of the nurses today. Told her about this latest swing. She talked to my doctor and he's seeing me tomorrow.

Bliss in the heavens

I wanna dance! Turn up the bass and blast the music! And I wanna have sex. I'm so horny!! Unfortunately hubby's asleep. It really sucks. I still have just enough of a shred of conscience that I won't go looking for someone to screw. I can't do that to hubby. But if I weren't married, I guarantee you I'd have already been out there sleeping with tons of guys. I know what you're thinking. Slut. Nope. I just want to have fun and enjoy life right now. Life is glorious! Why not indulge in its many pleasures? My inhibitions are almost completely gone. It's like I get to be drunk without the nasty taste and without the hangover the next day, lol.

It's after 1am and I'm still totally revved. I'm thinking about going to Wal-Mart and getting some new clothes. I'm in the mood for something very low cut. I have a top that's really low cut, but I don't especially like the way it fits the rest of me. But I'll wear it tomorrow if I don't go shopping tonight. Or I could wear my brown halter top and black mini skirt. Hmmm... the only problem with that outfit is the halter isn't low cut. No cleavage shows. Cleavage is what I'm aiming for. Of course, I could wear the low cut top and just put on my little tan wrap. That would hide the rest of the fit that I don't like. The top is black and I could pair it up with the black mini skirt. Add black heels and voila! Sexy outfit. That sounds like a plan to me. And since it's supposed to be pretty chilly tomorrow, the wrap would work nicely.

I talked to my therapist today (not to be confused with my shrink). I did not, however, call the nurses at the med clinic. We're gonna see if I settle down on my own. But just between you and me, I'm fine. I'm happier than I've been in a long time. And since I'm plagued with such severe depression most of the time, I think I deserve some joy and fun, don't you?

While we were talking I was laughing a lot and I could hear the smile in her voice. I started thinking back and every time I've been like this everyone around me was also smiling and laughing. My euphoria is infectious. Everyone loves to be around me when I'm like this. Well who wouldn't be? ;-)