Suicidal thoughts

Why do I keep going on? Is this all my life is supposed to be? I honestly can’t see anything worth looking forward to. Yeah, I’d like to grow vegetables, but let’s be honest. We all know it won’t work. Why do I even bother to keep going? My life is meaningless. I know Hubby loves me, and that means the world to me, but is it enough to keep going? I have no life outside of this house. I really don’t even have a life inside this house. All I do is sleep, play oblivion, run up bills we can’t afford to pay, and occasionally cook and clean. I'm to the point where the only time I leave the house is for a mental health appointment.

I’m no good for Hubby. Not as a wife, not even as a cook and maid. I should be changing what we eat so he’d be healthier, but I don’t. I should quit smoking so he can, but I don’t. I should keep the house clean because honestly, what other pressing matters do I have? None. But no, what do I do? I sleep fucked up hours, get up, play either oblivion or poker, or watch voyager episodes. Then when it gets late and he goes to bed, I scramble to get clothes washed so he doesn’t have to wear dirty clothes. I know he loves me but lots of people love someone who is bad for them.

I’m bad for Hubby. I’m bad for the cat. I’m so selfish and spoiled that I put my needs ahead of everyone else’s, even if their needs are important and mine aren’t. If I’m uncomfortable, I avoid doing what needs to be done. What kind of person does that? I’ll tell you. A bad person, that’s who. My mom died because I wasn't up to taking care of her the way she needed. I wasn't around enough for her. I'm a horrible person who doesn't deserve to breathe the air and consume the precious resources of our planet.

If I wasn’t such a chicken shit coward, I’d have ended it long ago. Why am I prolonging the suffering? Because I’m too afraid to go through with it. I’m too afraid of everything. I’m so scared that I won’t take chances with anything. I obsess over stupid things until I’m frozen into inaction out of fear. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I treat other people, I hate the way I think about other people. I’m so intolerant it’s unreal. I’m not a nice person if you were to look at the real me.

If my therapist or psychiatrist knew what I was thinking right now, they’d put me in the hospital this second. The temptation to take all of those pills is so strong right now. I don’t want this life anymore. The only good part of my life is Hubby. I want ME out of my life. To do that I’d have to change everything and I’m too fucking scared and lazy to do it. If I were really a kind person, I’d release the people in my life that I’m dragging down with me. They don’t deserve to have to put up with me. They deserve a good person in their lives. And while I know they would argue fiercely against what I’m saying, I know in their hearts they agree with me. They’re just too good to admit it. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Yeah they’d be hurt, but soon they’d realize just how lucky they are to have me out of their lives. Love really is blind. They’re all better off without me. I know I'm the only one who can see that truth, but it doesn't make it any less true.

I want my life to end. If I don’t stop feeling this way and thinking this way, it’s going to. I’m sick of this crap and I don’t want to continue to suffer this way and worse for the next 30 or more years. No one should have to feel and think this way. So I’m done. I can't do it tonight since I have an appointment in the morning, but after that I'm free.

I guess the question now is... do I have the courage to kill myself? Or will I resign my fate to never ending suffering and chaos? In this moment in time, my answer is I'll find the courage somehow.

The tiny voice of the instinct for survival is saying I really should be in the hospital. I'm not safe from myself. But if I go to the hospital that means once again I'm a coward. I've chickened out too many times. I want to be brave for once in my life and finally go through with it. I want to stop this pain. And to everyone this act would hurt, I would hope they'd remember that while it hurts like a bitch to pull the splinter out, it has to be done and the pain goes away afterward.