I'm feeling very lonely right now. It aches deep inside. The downward spiral is starting again, I'm afraid. It's not a constant thing. There are times during the day that I can distract myself with things I'm interested in and enjoy those things. But in all the holes of time in between... it's getting uncomfortable.
I'm having a very hard time sleeping. I took my sleeping pill and an anti-anxiety med at 2:30 am and I was awake at 6:45 am. That shouldn't have happened. I should still be sound asleep. I'm so very tired. I'm getting desperate for good sleep.
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Nothing is real, the "separation" from the world is from a man made delusion. From the time we are born we are taught that we are individuals, when this is not the case. we are all one. everything is a whole. I feel very similar to how you describe in many of your posts but I feel like your denying reality.
everything we are taught as kids and adults leads us to this ego based existence. and if your not aware our Ego is made from thought.
Our ego is made up of ideas that have no real physical existence, they are fleeting. thoughts are based off past experiences, past knowledge, past ideas. they are dead. and this is where the problem comes in, see in my views I see most people with certain mental disorders not to have a more distorted reality but a much more real one. the conflict comes from the fact that most people walk around in a disillusioned state of ego, which is fake. Ego is an illusion, and to live in an ego based society is to live in an illusion based society period.
I kinda got distracted after getting a drink...
on to trust.
I find it hard to trust people when I come into what I call my "clear state". I find it to be a very clear and logical state of mind. but I also know it has a dark side. For instance I will be able to think in a fast and logical manner but this leads to me to the conclusion that I can't really trust anyone because I will never know if they are actually being honest. Now this is all fine and dandy until this "conclusion of trust" comes in contact with someone that I truly care about. At that point my "clear state" becomes an obsessive one. and I'm sure you know what follows once you get fixed on a negative idea.
Anyway... I don't think you should let anyone tell you whats real and what right as it differs greatly from place to place and person to person. I think you and I and many other people just need to practice mindfulness and practice using the cycles to our benefit.
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