Triggered

I watched a show on tv last week where a guy took a whole bottle of sleeping pills at once. Oh man, did that trigger me. I got an almost overpowering urge to take pills. That's been one of my coping skills in the past. When things got too bad, I'd take a handful or more of prescription medication.

I want to take pills so bad. I want to cut. I even want to do something I did once before - make a kind of tea from the Oleander plant. It's a very poisonous plant. Honestly, I don't know how I survived that.

I don't know why I want to do these things. I just know that I think about it a lot; I find my thoughts coming back to it several times a day.

With all these thoughts and urges, I don't need to lose my hope. Even if it is false hope, it's better than none at all. None at all means I give up - Game Over.