I wonder why it is that I can be rational, logical, and clear-headed in my thinking during the day, but at night I lose all reason and rationality.
The daytime whispers of the past telling me I'm no good and that nobody cares become loud and oppressive in my mind while the rest of the world sleeps. And my resistance to them becomes non-existant.
It's like I'm 2 different people. During the day I'm (for the most part) strong and smart and can think my way out of things. In the middle of the night I become some needy, whimpering child huddled in the corner begging for help, yet knowing I deserve none.
I pride myself on my ability to think and to reason. But when I become that child, all thought goes out the window and only emotion remains. Raw pain, desperation, and hopelessness. I forget everything I've learned over the years on how to cope with the pain. I feel weak and powerless in those hours. The next day I hate who I became the previous night. It's embarrassing and many times, after reading what I've said the night before, I'm ashamed.
This duality is driving me crazy and I don't know what to do about it or how to fix it. I feel like I lose who I am every night.
Does anyone else feel this way?
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2 months ago
1 comment:
During the day your mind sets on tasks at hand. Your pre-occupied. During the evening your mind can slow down, unwinding from your days tasks. It sounds like you need someone to: hold you, and say l love you. It best you don't blame yourself Sweetie. Your allowed to feel the way you do. l'm going to share a secret with you: l want you to say to a stuffed toy, "l'm going to make you mad and you will have to forgive me to fall asleep tonight." To forgive is to heal. That give US the power. Anyway, l used to feel that way at night. And l'm a 6' muscular man in top physical condition. Fear is fear. Memmory is just that. Pretend that l'm there with you tonight. There's nothing to be afraid of Arianna.
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