My therapist confirmed that I'm having a mixed episode right now. Problem is, with the exception of August, I've been mixed since April of this year. That's 8 very long months of sheer agony. I've had enough.
I don't know why this is happening. I never had a mixed episode before this year. I was always either up or down or fine. But it seems my illness has taken a turn in how it manifests itself, and it's left me reeling.
I feel like I'm going backward. I used to be so good at knowing exactly how I felt. But now it's very hard to define how I feel. The lines between emotions are so blurry. I'm reduced to either I feel "good" or "bad". There's so much more underneath, I just can't form it into words. If I feel bad and I'm asked what does bad mean or what am I thinking about, all I can hear is screaming in my head. No thought, no reason - only screams of anger and pain and fear.
And here I thought I couldn't go any crazier.
My therapist asked me Thursday if I was going to be safe when I left his office. I didn't want to answer him because I knew what my answer was. It was no. But I was afraid if I told him that then he'd start to think that I was becoming too dangerous to myself. He pressed me for an answer and I resentfully said yes.
I guess what it boils down to is that this mix that I'm in is getting worse every day. The self-destructive feelings I've been having aren't going away, they're getting stronger. I dream about the things I want to do, which only serves to reinforce and strengthen the desire to act on them.
The other night I dreamed I had dozens of cuts on my lower leg (which is weird, considering the only place I usually cut is my left forearm). Anyway, there was blood everywhere and it wouldn't stop. I was blissfully happy in the dream about it and when I woke up I still felt that afterglow. I really REALLY wanted to make that dream a reality.
If these feelings don't subside, it's not a question of whether I'll act or not. It's only a question of when. And of what form it will take.
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2 comments:
Hi just came across your blog, I can sympathize, with the mixed episode thing going they can be really hard to come to terms with. I'm having problem right now 'cause of some med changes and it's got me all messed up.
I'll keep you in my thoughts.
I would have read more of your blog, but my focus has really been off lately and I'm cutting back even on my post but I am trying to gather links to other bipolar blogs , and have added you for now.
I believe that we can all find strength in knowledge from how others process all the elements that make us who we are.
Nice blog.
Thanks Ben.
I hope things get better for you soon. I had a bit of an epiphany today, and will post about it. I hope it helps others as I hope it will help me.
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