I told 3 separate mental health professionals today that I had been in danger of suicide yesterday. You would think that would be a red flag to them that maybe I was in trouble. Would you believe that only one of them offered help to me today when I told him? I'm stunned. I figured all three would ask if I were still suicidal today. Only one did, in a roundabout way. I knew he was wanting to know, though, so that counts in my book as asking. At least he showed he cared. The other 2 didn't. And though I do know that they care for my well-being, I didn't sense it today.
I don't know, maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's because I'm feeling so disconnected from everyone. It's like I'm in my own little world where nothing penetrates very far.
I'm actually surprised that I'm not feeling suicidal right now. In the past, my pattern has been that once I cross the threshold to actively planning my imminent death, the suicidal thoughts and intent are almost constant for quite a long time. Days, sometimes weeks.
Right now though, all I'm feeling is disconnection, emptiness, and weariness. I feel like I'm on hold, waiting for something. I just don't know what. I'm operating on automatic pilot at this point.
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2 months ago
3 comments:
I'm a new reader, courtesy of a link at Bipolar Planet web ring.
Why is it that head docs don't appear to be particularly concerned about the lowest of lows, but give them a hint that a bipolar is going manic and they're all over it.
There are many of us that have been where you are now. I wish I had some special words to say, all I can stress is that it absolutely will pass. You will feel good again, you will enjoy life again.
I'll check back regularly.
jon, you're definitely right that they don't seem as concerned about the depression. Like it's no big deal. But if mania appears, they rush to stop it. It makes you wonder why they'd go so aggressively after the one that feels good and dismiss the one that makes you feel so bad you want to die. Sad, isn't it?
sage, yes it will pass. I know this. It's hard to keep that in mind when the pain is overwhelming and unrelenting, but I do know it. Unfortunately, what I also know is that it will return. That is what is so disheartening to me. I'm tired of the endless cycle. I know you understand too.
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