I'm afraid that my shrink is going to take some kind of action to make me go inpatient if I keep sitting on the fence like I have been. I gotta tell you, I'm freaking out a little about that. I so do not want to see how our legal system works up close and personal.
So why am I fighting so hard against going inpatient?
1) It terrifies me. Don't know why, but it does.
2) I've always viewed it as a prison rather than a safe place where I can get a break.
3) I'm a control freak and if I go in, I have to give up most of the control over my life for who knows how long.
4) I hate being away from Hubby for a long period of time.
5) Did I mention it terrifies me? Well, that merits being listed twice.
6) It would focus too much attention on me. For some reason that's embarrassing and to be avoided at all cost.
Now the reasons I should go inpatient.
1) It really is a safe place. I can't hurt or kill myself in there. Out here there's a very real danger of that.
2) They can adjust my meds to maybe stop this mixed episode before it's full blown.
3) I wouldn't have to take care of anyone else for a change. I'd get a break.
4) I wouldn't have to meet expectations and handle responsibilities for a while.
5) I could show my emotions whenever I want without worrying that I'm a burden.
6) I could get away from the chaotic environment here at home.
I don't know how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm truly mixed right now. I have the swirling racing thoughts but the anxiety and depression, too. It's very uncomfortable. All those reasons for going inpatient sound very appealing. But the ones in the first list are so strong they overpower the ones in the second list. I swear, I am so screwed up.
It's only 12:30am. What am I going to do all night? If I'm feeling like this now, who knows how bad it will get as the night progresses? I tend to do much worse at night than during the day. Nighttime is when I've always gotten so bad that I attempted suicide.
You would think that knowing that would mean I'd make sure I slept through the night, but no. I had to be cursed with being a night owl to the extreme. I'm definitely a night person. I think I'm hard wired that way.
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4 comments:
It's interesting reading your list of why you should & shouldn't go to an inpatient facility. Most of the reasons why you don't want to, are in the list below of why you should.
In other words, you're saying you need to be relieved of responsibilities & able to focus on yourself so that you can deal with the crisis at hand in a safe environment.
That sounds very rational to me. I was in a mental hospital last August & while I didn't like it at times, looking back, it probably saved my life. I needed to be there.
You've got an open mind & I think that's the most important thing. I believe you'll make the right decision for you.
I really like the way you think things out.
I do need to be there. I see that, I really do. But that first list stops me dead in my tracks and I don't know why. Thanks, I try very hard to have an open mind. And I want to let you know that I really appreciate all the support I get in the comments. It lets me know I'm not alone and I'm not crazy for what goes on in my head.
I totally understand your questions, answers and comments.
You've got a great thought process. I know you'll make the right decisions. Make sure your husband knows the gravity of your frame-of-mind so he can help you make the decision to go if it gets too bad.
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