I feel defeated. I was told that my life will always be an uphill battle, that I'll probably always have suicidal thoughts, that what comes so easy to everyone else will be a lot harder for me, that even to get to that point will take several years of intense work and therapy. Why should I even bother?? So that it will get a little better? Am I supposed to just accept that my life will be a daily struggle until I die? I'm so ANGRY! I have been since yesterday when I was told all this.
Everyone has always told me that medicine and therapy will allow me to live a normal life. So far that hasn't been the case. So was yesterday the first time someone actually told me the truth?? I really wanted someone to convince me that it was possible for me to live a normal life. Not that it wasn't.
So now I have a choice. Do I choose Door #1 - a lifetime of daily struggle, or do I choose Door #2 - say enough is enough and end the struggle? Door #1 means a lifetime of suffering for me but does have rewards. Hubby and the rest of my family and friends, among others. Door #2 ends my suffering, but begins everyone else's.
Today I choose Door #1. Tomorrow I'll make the choice again.
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2 months ago
1 comment:
Perhaps we can try a new kind of therapy. I've been watching some of your posts and we have very abstract things in common. In fact (in a round about way) I mentioned you today.
While I understand you don't want to touch the religion issue much...let's just say that I know much about "It". I am sure that there are very specific reasons that you found it, or it found you. In fact I believe it is never as far removed as most people think.
Anyway. I have a friend at work (ya, really she's just a friend). She finally admitted to me today (as if I didn't already recognize it) that she was Bi-Polar. I was proud of her for that because I knew that my ole' charm had finally worked in getting her to be open about it (she hides very well).
Like I am very used to, she spilled guts for all of ten minutes and it all became clear to me. Most bi-polar's condition stem from one or several traumatic events that may (and in some cases may not) have happened in their life.
When she completed spilling, I said..."do you have a computer at home?"
"Yes"
"Do you have an internet connection?"
"yes"
"I think you need to look into blogging..(I explain blogging)"
I went on to explain that she first needs to see that there are many people like her. The worst trigger in a Bi-Polar is feeling trapped or alone.
She's not, and you're not. Drugs can do many things, but very temporary things. Love and Anger have never mixed well. You know that from the law of kharma.
Breathe! Every door had a pathway in front of it. You've been down more paths than what you are giving yourself doors. In life there are 5 doors, but no matter what line you follow, they all lead back each other. They are encompassed in you. Bringing all back together is your goal.
It may surprise you to know that when I said, "Hey, I've been checking out this blog lately of someone who also has bi-polar disorder", her eyes lit up and she smiled...It was the fact that she knows that there are others out there that can relate to what she has gone, and will go thru that gives her strength.
It is my nature to prove that more doors exit!
SMIB
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