Well, I'm home from the Beltane Bash. Actually, we left around 9:30 pm or so. Less than 2 hours after we got there. I'm so disappointed. I thought I was going to get to meet and mingle with a lot of other pagans, but no one said a word to us the whole time we were there. There was supposed to be a lot of dancing, but not many people danced. Most of them just sat at their respective tables looking around the room.
I danced to one song. I did it for 2 reasons. Number one, I really loved the song. Number two, I'd made a promise to myself that I'd dance at this thing. I had a lot of fun dancing. Actually, that was the only fun I had. The rest of the time I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't so disappointed and sad. So why didn't I dance to more than one song? I wanted to. But I wouldn't let myself. I was so inhibited and afraid of looking like a fool that I almost never left my chair. It's almost too bad I wasn't manic. Almost. But I definitely would have been dancing then.
I'd looked forward to the Bash since January! And for it to turn out like this, it's hard for me. It was one of the major things that had kept me out of the hospital. I didn't want to be locked up and miss it. I might as well have not even bothered.
I've had the urge to cut for several days now and it's gotten much stronger the past couple of days. The only reason I didn't was that I didn't want cuts on my arm when I went to the Bash. Well that reason's gone. I want to cut tonight.
I feel so sad and disappointed, but there's also an emptiness. Like I'm shutting down. I'm so tired.
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2 months ago
4 comments:
You are the host of this blog, and I repect that. You profess deep, profound feelings, and I respect that. But I don't think you are taking the time to listen!
What can curb your urges is what you type. The release of what I used to call, "Bad JuJu" is what you're doing. Yet you don't even appreciate your own work.
Quit trying to force the dance!
I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you're talking about.
I wasn't trying to be cryptic, I just mean that you writing can be a great release of these emotions. What time I spent studying the books my ex had on Wicca was rather enlightening. I remember reading that sometimes nature does not always want what you try to give back. If you have all of this negativity wrapped up in you, finding a safe way to release it is a task that you must accomplish.
No harm intended.
no harm done. I get you now.
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