Edgy frustration

I want to write, but I'm not sure what to write about. I'm not doing too bad right now. I'm a bit on the manic flip side, but not too much. Mostly I'm starting a lot of different projects right now, along with planning several others to begin soon.

I don't want to sleep. I'm not really very hungry most of the time. I feel something, but I'll be damned if I can put my finger on it. I can't quite grasp it. All I keep thinking is something is not right. I don't feel stable.

I don't like this feeling. It's like waiting for something to happen that never quite does. I'm just so uncomfortable. This is unknown territory for me. I've always been able to describe how I feel, usually with an exhaustively long list of emotions. But nothing fits this time. I've never liked the unknown. It makes me edgy and anxious.

When I try to look back at my emotions for the last week, my memory isn't so good. I can't really remember specific feelings, just a general edginess.

I've never been a patient person and this mood is driving me crazy. I just wish something would happen already!

I want to be taken care of

I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I've come down from the high and I feel terrible. It hit yesterday afternoon and I slept for 3 or 4 hours and the energy hasn't been back since. I can't deal with this. It's too much.

I've been thinking about something for about a day now. I can't get it out of my mind - I'm craving attention. I crave it badly. I want someone to give me their undivided attention and not only be concerned for me, but to show it. That's so selfish, I know. And I'm positive that if it were to actually occur, I'd be so self-conscious that I'd practically shut down.

I hate myself right now. I'm so sick of me. I'm a pathetic worthless self-centered lazy miserable excuse for a human being. I don't want to be me any more.

I'm so tired. I don't want to do this anymore.

Why do I want attention so badly? I fantasize about it. I can't get it out of my head. Why?

I know this is a sign of depression for me. Whenever I'm depressed I get this way. I don't know, maybe it's because I need someone to show that they see I'm in pain and that they care. I want to be taken care of. No one takes care of me - I take care of everyone else. I take care of them the way I want to be taken care of. But no one does me the same courtesy. They just expect me to carry on. I'm still supposed to keep the house clean, cook all the meals, keep the finances straight, pay the bills on time, and run all the errands. No one helps me unless I ask several times. No one just offers. No one wants to help me and no one wants to listen.

No one notices how hard life is for me. And if I talk about how I feel, everyone acts like 'Here we go again - Arianna's depressed. Can't she just get over it already? We're tired of hearing her whine and complain. So she's got problems - big deal. Everybody has problems, but you don't hear them whining about them all the time.'

I'm just a burden to everyone and they're tired of hearing about my problems. They're tired of me getting depressed. They think I should be able to keep up with everything no matter how I feel. They don't think my feelings are important because I swing so wildly and chaotically. And so often. It's just another mood swing to them. It's commonplace.

They have no idea what it's like for me. What I go through on a daily basis. They have no idea how much energy it takes just to keep going. How easy it would be for me to just give up. And honestly, I think if I weren't so worried about what people would think and how it would hurt them, I would give up. I really don't know why I keep going day after day. Maybe I shouldn't figure out why. It keeps me going. I don't think I should mess with it.

A golden opportunity

a - 14
d - 17
e - 48

We're buying a house! We came across it today and it's wonderful. It's got so much potential. It's not even on the market yet. I'm going to see about a mortgage tomorrow.

It's got 3 bedrooms, 1 1/2 baths, a 2 car garage, nice sized front and back yards, big front and back porches, 2 sheds in back, and landscaping including a gorgeous huge tree. It's small, probably 1200 sq. ft. or so, but that's ok. Hopefully soon it will be just Hubby and me. We don't need that much space. And really anything is better than the 900 sq. ft. crappy mobile home we live in now.

It's in a nice quiet neighborhood filled with people who have lived there at least a decade and all the houses appear well cared for.

They're asking around $85,000 for it. That means our mortgage payment would only be around $550.00 or so. Definitely doable.

This is just a golden opportunity that fell right into our laps. If we don't reach out and grab it, we'll regret it. And later on when we move up to a bigger house, it'll make a great rent house for us.

The woman selling it said if someone were to tell her they wanted to buy it, she wouldn't even put it on the market. I told her we were very interested in buying it when she's ready to sell it.

I want this house! And I want it now!

I'm so revved up right now. I have been all day, really. I've been talking a mile a minute all day to anyone who'll listen to me. And I could talk all night, I just don't have anyone to talk to.

My CBT class was cancelled for today, but I did my scores anyway. Not too bad, I guess. The anxiety and depression scores both dropped by about half, and the emotional score went down quite a bit as well.

I guess it's because I've been in such a good mood these past several days. And full of ideas. I'm not manic, but I'd say I'm probably hypomanic. That's not a bad way to be. I know that I wrote before when I first started cycling about how even though I could feel the changes, I dreaded them because I could remember what the calm and balance felt like. I wanted to hold onto those. And I was pissed off because I couldn't. I didn't want the chaos.

Well, I can't remember what they felt like now. That's ok, though. I know from my writing that I didn't want to be manic. What was I, an idiot? This is the best feeling in the world. I'm hyper-creative, hyper-effecient, everything has fallen into place. Everything is enhanced and it's glorious! Why on earth would I have not wanted this?? Momentary lapse into stupidity, I guess.

I was irritated that my class was cancelled, but in hindsight it was the best thing that could have happened. After all, if I'd been at my class, I wouldn't have seen this house and grabbed the opportunity. And this hypomania is giving me the courage and optimism to go for this house.

But I'll admit, I missed being in class today. It keeps me grounded a bit. Gives me a barometer for my behavior and moods, because honestly - sometimes it's hard for me to judge it myself. That's ok, though. I'm sure they would have thought I was in a great mood and very fun to be around. I'm a wonderful person to be around when I'm feeling like this. Everyone loves me.

It's great to be me. :-)

My biggest critic

I'm still kicking around the idea of writing a book. I hunted around the web tonight for writing tips and found some pretty good ones. Maybe I'll take a creative writing class. I also dug around in my bedroom today and found all my old stories. I'm thinking I'll put them all in a binder so I can keep them together.

I think the only reason I haven't started writing it yet is I'm lacking in confidence. Funny, considering that I'm hypomanic, isn't it? Right now you'd think I'd be bursting with confidence, not afraid of much of anything. But I am. I'm afraid I'll fail, plain and simple. But really, who am I afraid of? It's not like I'm an author with a deadline that I'll lose my publisher if I don't produce results.

I guess I'm afraid of me. I've always been my biggest critic, not to mention the meanest. I'm so critical of myself that I avoid taking chances because of fear. Sounds ridiculous, now that I put it down in words. I need to take a chance. How will I ever know if I can succeed if I never try? Yes, I won't fail, but I won't succeed either.

Don't mind me. I'm rambling and feeling introspective tonight. Sometimes it helps to write it out. Then I can see errors in logic and common sense that seem otherwise perfectly normal in my head.

Energized and full of plans

Well, I'm back on meds. But luckily I was able to convince my doctor to not start me back on lithium. He put me on lamictal instead. And since I was off my meds for so long, he's got me on lower doses to start out with. That means fewer pills. Yea!

Before, I was taking 1500 mg of lithium, 2000 mg of depakote, 4 mg of risperdal, 80 mg of inderal, 15 mg of remeron, and 100 mcg of synthroid. That was 7 pills in the morning and 8 at night. If you ask me, that was a massive cocktail of meds.

Now I'm on 25 mg lamictal, 1000 mg of depakote, 2 mg of risperdal, and 100 mcg of synthroid. No remeron because I'm not depressed. I'm either manic or mixed. No inderal because I was only taking it for tremors caused by the lithium. I'm still on the synthroid only until they're sure my thyroid has stabilized. That's only 5 pills total. 2 in the morning and 3 at night. Much better.

And whereas the lithium was handfuls of huge capsules twice a day, I'm only on one itty bitty little pill now thanks to the lamictal. Yeah, the depakote is still huge, but only half of the previous amount. I guess I can deal with that for now. I'd love to go off the depakote and just be on the lamictal. But I don't know if I could be that lucky.

The risperdal is no big deal. It's the m-tab, which melts in your mouth and doesn't even taste bad. The only thing is it makes me sleepy. Maybe I can get them to lower it to 1 mg. But I think I can only pull that off if I stop seeing things. I'm pretty sure the only reason he resumed the risperdal is when he asked if I was seeing or hearing anything, I told him about the other night when I saw mist rising from the blanket I was wrapped in. I know it wasn't there, but I saw it anyway. It was eerie. So I guess for now, I need it. I don't like it, though. Although, I do have to say I wish all my meds were as easy to take. Just melt in my mouth with a minty taste. Nice, huh? :-)

I'm still feeling a bit on the up side, but I feel a bit calmer now. I'm not sure if it's the meds or just me. I would have thought it a bit early for the meds to be working. I've only been on them again for 2 days. Well, time will tell whether it's me or the meds.

I went to the store and bought the dvd's of the original theatrical releases of Star Wars IV, V, and VI. That was $60.00 right there. But Hubby said I could get them, so I'm not worried that I spent that kind of money. Even though our budget is so tight right now that $60 could make a big difference.

I've also been busy making a Dead Like Me theme for my computer. Background, sound events, icons, the whole nine yards. It's been fun. I would like to make a new mouse pointer... maybe a scythe or something. That would be cool.

I'm just about caught up on the laundry. It seems that our whole wardrobe was dirty. I'm planning on doing the dishes and cleaning up the living room and office tomorrow. I'm also going to finish cleaning our bedroom. I started that today.

I've been having the urge to paint. I'm thinking about painting a copy of my favorite painting Girl with a Pearl Earring by Johannes Vermeer. I think that would look good in the living room.

I've also been kicking around the idea of writing a novel. I just need a starting point. Maybe I should write about a woman with bipolar. Don't they say write what you know? Well, I definitely have a lot of experience with that. Maybe I could add these posts in there. Have her be writing in a journal. I could also include previous journals I've kept since I was 18. That would be cool.

Well, I'm off to take a shower. Maybe I'll start a load of dishes tonight before I go to bed. Till next time...

I don't know who I am anymore

In class today my shrink actually had to tell me to stop because I was being very angry and saying mean things. That's not me. I don't know who that was. I'm not the kind of person who rages like that. It scares me that I can be like that. I'm normally a very nice person, but today I was just a major bitch.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm not so angry now, just ashamed and feeling very guilty about my behavior. I'm thinking very irrationally right now about most things.

I have to get up at 8am. That's in less than 5 hours. I'm not even sleepy and I know what will happen. I'll finally fall asleep around 4:30 or 5:00 and be dead tired when my alarm clock goes off. I hope I don't sleep through it. I've done that a couple of times when I was like this.

I can't afford to miss a session with my therapist. I see her at 9am tomorrow. I didn't have a session last week because she wasn't in that day and I don't want to go another week without that support. I really need it right now. I need to hear her reassure me that I'm not going insane and that I'll get through this.

So I think I'm going to go to bed and try to get a few hours of sleep.

100 Things about myself

I've seen this on blogs before and thought it was a neat idea. The trick is to try to keep it positive. I think I did a good job of that, but it took me 3 days to do it. It's very challenging. Can you do it? :-)

1. I've swam and played with dolphins.
2. I worked as a bartender.
3. I’m Wiccan.
4. I’m married to a wonderful, loving, hard-working man.
5. I love nature.
6. I’m very tender-hearted when it comes to animals.
7. I’m a perfectionist.
8. I’m a frustrated neat freak because of the times I’m too lazy to clean up after everyone else in the house.
9. I love Mountain Dew.
10. I love to be complimented on my cooking, but don’t like the actual work cooking involves.
11. I’m an avid reader.
12. I’m completely and hopelessly addicted to TV and movies.
13. I’m a very good speller.
14. I love to write (obviously), and I think I’m pretty good at it. :-)
15. I’ve been to another country.
16. I’m very knowledgeable about psychology.
17. I’ve swam in the Gulf of Mexico.
18. I’m pretty handy with computers. I’m the one everyone calls when their computer messes up.
19. I love to bake. Baking is different from cooking, so I don’t mind the work it involves. :-)
20. I like almost every kind of music there is.
21. I love musicals.
22. I’m a huge Donny Osmond fan.
23. I live with 2 cats inside and 2 outside. Spot is my kitty, Buddy is Hubby’s kitty, and the 2 girls Boo and Squirrel live outside. Pretty soon we’ll be cat ranchers, lol.
24. My favorite drink is an Amaretto Sour. Oh yum!
25. Strawberry Margaritas are pretty darn good too. ;-)
26. I pretty much only like chocolate that is at least 60% cacao. I think milk chocolate is too sweet.
27. I adore the TV show Charmed.
28. I’m a trekker.
29. I’m fascinated by the medical and mental health professions.
30. I love to learn.
31. I watch more documentary type shows than dramas or comedies.
32. My favorite subjects are science and ancient history (Egyptian, Greek, Roman).
33. I love rainstorms and have even been known to play in them or sit peacefully, all the while getting soaked. :-)
34. I love all types of puzzles: jigsaw, word find, etc…
35. I only cheat when I think I can get away with it. ;-)
36. I’m a smoker.
37. I go to sleep every night listening to the movie Clue.
38. I love spending money.
39. I can sit at the lake for hours and not want to leave.
40. I once got drunk in a hotel room on fuzzy navels.
41. I make friends for life.
42. My nickname in high school was Mr. Schneider (from the old TV show “The Monkees”). Long story, don’t ask…
43. I’ve been in over 40 plays.
44. I was on the President’s List every semester in Junior College.
45. I used to hate cheese, now I can’t get enough of it – especially melted on stuff. Mmmm…..
46. I’m a reformed nail biter.
47. I can be particularly clever and witty.
48. I dream of owning a genuine Faberge Egg some day.
49. I once screamed out loud while reading a Stephen King novel.
50. I once painted my kitchen cabinets royal purple with grey-blue doors…. Love that manic judgment.
51. I repainted those same cabinets a cream color once the mania wore off. :-)
52. I positively hate shaving my legs… I’ve lost quarts of blood over the years doing that activity.
53. I love to talk.
54. I have an addictive personality.
55. When I was 17 I went on a road trip to New Braunfels, TX with one of my best friends. No adults, just us.
56. I floated down the Guadalupe River in an inner tube during that trip and ended up looking like a freshly steamed lobster.
57. I had a bad habit of sneaking out of windows at night when I was a teenager.
58. I once got caught with a guy in my room in the middle of the night. (We weren’t doing anything, honest!) My brother was the one who snitched on me.
59. My hair has been champagne blond, auburn, brunette, purple, and black.
60. I cried like a baby when I read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
61. I’m a major procrastinator.
62. I like to dance around singing along to music when I clean.
63. I got sent home from work (Looney Land in Six Flags Over Texas) because of the aforementioned purple hair.
64. I got married when I was 20.
65. I love being very intelligent.
66. I can sing “Jingle Bells” in French.
67. I love to drive with the windows down and the heater on in the winter.
68. I have 2 tattoos, a flower wreath on each ankle.
69. I got the second tattoo when I was manic and acting childish and rebellious.
70. I can make a killer Margarita.
71. I’ve written several short stories.
72. I’ve never been stung by a bee or wasp.
73. A cat I once owned broke my hand.
74. I’ve since broken that same hand in that same spot 2 more times.
75. I’m a night owl.
76. I’ve been hospitalized for bipolar symptoms 5 times since 1995.
77. I once had a therapist who talked incessantly about his own “family recipe salsa”.
78. I met my husband on a blind date through a dating service.
79. I’m a Monty Python fan.
80. I met Donny Osmond once.
81. I dream of owning real estate and making money off of it, becoming wealthy.
82. I own a neurotic cat who chews her hair off by her tail (that would be Spot).
83. I’ve read the entire Incarnations of Immortality series by Piers Anthony at least 20 times.
84. My favorite floral scents are rose and honeysuckle.
85. I prefer staying home to going out.
86. My favorite painting is Girl with a Pearl Earring by Dutch artist Johannes Vermeer.
87. I love to sit outside in the middle of the night wrapped in a blanket listening to my water fountain.
88. I love animated Disney movies.
89. I’ve been to the summit of Pike’s Peak in Colorado.
90. I’ve never been arrested.
91. I have, however, been in the back of a police car once.
92. I’d love to be a published author.
93. I’ve done the whole tourist thing with one foot in the U.S. and the other in Mexico.
94. I have a lot of trouble swallowing pills. They get stuck in my throat.
95. I’ve won competitions with my strawberry cake.
96. I consistently made first chair in orchestra while in school.
97. I used to play the viola.
98. My favorite classical piece is Beethoven’s Fur Elise.
99. I taught myself how to play Fur Elise on the piano.
100. I can make a necklace out of beads made from rose petals.

Terrifying rage and fury

a - 36
d - 36
e - 65

I feel positively murderous! I swear, it wouldn't take hardly anything to make me lose it right now. It's all I can do to keep myself from screaming and breaking things. I'm actually imagining myself throwing things at people and punching them!

This rage terrifies me. It comes from nowhere, but everything fuels it. I'm not a violent person. I'm actually just about a pacifist. I hate to hurt people. When I hurt someone, it bounces back on me and I feel so much guilt and pain for doing it.

But I want to hurt people. The way I'm being hurt. I want to say the most hurtful things I can come up with. I want to speak the brutal truth and it's tearing me apart trying to keep that fury inside. I don't care that what I want to say will stay with them forever. That it will seriously affect their self-esteem. I DON'T FUCKING CARE!!! I want to hurt them bad.

I even want to start screaming at total strangers who happen to get in my way or inconvenience me or make mistakes. I have no tolerance. They can all die for all I care. The world would be better off without such idiots anyway. Those people shouldn't be allowed to reproduce. Ever.

I've heard of manic rages, but I've never experienced one before. It's scaring the crap out of me. It's so intense and prolonged. And it's completely against my nature. I'm not really much of an angry person. I tend to get depressed or manic. Not raging. This isn't me! I don't know who this is.

I'm so scared I'm going to say something to Hubby that I can't take back. Something that would do serious and irreparable damage to our relationship. I'm afraid I'm going to lose all control. I'm afraid I might really hurt someone. Physically or emotionally or both.

My shrink once said if I was going manic, the first score to go up would be the over emotional one. Well, it's definitely up. He said my scores are like taking my emotional temperature.

I'd say I'm running a fever.

A rage of mushroom cloud proportions

I've been so angry today. I've lost all tolerance and patience for almost everyone around me.

I just want to start screaming and smashing things and throwing everything I can get my hands on. My rage is threatening to explode in mushroom cloud proportions.

I hate my life. The only part I don't hate is Hubby. I love him, even when he pisses me off.

My house is a wreck again. We have no money. I have to live with a drug addict for a step-son whose only ambition in life is to have us financially support him forever so he can get high whenever he wants. His girlfriend lives with us and they fight ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Sometimes they get violent - shoving, hitting, biting each other. I can hear them arguing right now, and they're on the other end of the house with their door shut.

Hubby is turning a blind eye to his lazy ass loser drug addict son, blindly hoping that things will magically change. He doesn't have a job (isn't even looking for one), has no plans to get one although he talks a good game. But Hubby always gives him money for gas and cigarettes. Then after that's spent and we ask why he hasn't applied for any jobs, he complains that he can't find a job because he has no gas and can't pass a drug test!!! Let's face it - he won't change. We supply him with money and pay his car insurance. He has it fucking made! Why on earth would he give that up?!

I HATE financially supporting the little jerk! But Hubby overrides me every time I say no.

I don't know how much longer I can go on in this environment. I love Hubby with all my heart, and I don't want to ever lose him, but I can't go on like this forever. This chaotic and violent environment is greatly aggravating my bipolar. Yes, I know I'm cycling right now. But all this shit just adds to it! It's so fucking hard to attempt to stay calm when there's all this crap going on right in front of me.

I don't think I'd swing near as high if the tension wasn't so high in my house 24/7. I really don't. But there's nothing I can do about it, unless I'm willing to leave, which means lose Hubby. I don't know if I could bear that right now. So I'm stuck. Helplessly and hopelessly mired in the misery that is my life.

He remembers me

I got a reply from the teacher. He remembers me and our talks. He was happy to get my email and said he was glad he could help me.

He even mentioned that he remembered I was big into Drama. Wow. That means he really does remember me! I'm glad I emailed him.

Emailing my high school hero

Well, I pulled up my high school website, found a faculty list, and lo and behold - that teacher is still working there. And it had an email address for him. So I emailed him.

I briefly explained who I was and what he did for me and thanked him for changing my life. I wonder if he'll respond? It doesn't really matter, though. It was enough for me to just let him know that he made a huge difference in my life.

I told him I'm now happily married, but I did tell him one thing, however, that wasn't true. I said I'm doing wonderful. I know, I know. That's so far from the truth it's ridiculous. But I didn't want to tell him that I've had a very hard life and am unstable most of the time. I didn't want to tell him I have bipolar. I believe he's already more than met his lifetime quota of listening to my problems.

All I wanted him to know is that he changed my life when he saved it.

How cool would it be if you got an email from someone you knew almost 20 years ago and they told you how pivotal you were in their life? That you really made a difference. I bet that teachers love to hear things like that.

I hope it makes him feel very good. He deserves to feel wonderful for what he did for me.

Reflections of high school

For some strange reason I pulled out my senior yearbook tonight and started reminiscing, telling Hubby all about my high school experience. At first, I talked with pride and happiness, but then it hit me: what was I happy about? Those years were miserable for me. As I thought more about it, I kept getting sadder and sadder. I started feeling just the way I did when people back then called me horrible names and laughed at me.

And the few things that I always thought of fondly, I now realize were orchestrated to also make fun of me. I just didn't realize it at the time because I was so desperate for anyone to be my friend.

I realized something else tonight. Last year my 15 year reunion took place and it never even occurred to me that it was that year. I was denied the ability to go to my 10 year reunion by one of the girls in school that hated me the most. She withheld the reunion and ticket information, so I missed it. I was very upset about that. It still pisses me off. She had no fucking right to do that to me. I went to school with them from 3rd through 12th grade. I did have a couple of friends and would have loved to have seen them. But no - the bitch didn't want me to go. So I had been looking forward to the 15 year reunion.

But my own life got in the way this time. Not only was I struggling with my bipolar, but last summer my dad became very ill and passed away. It's not surprising at all that the reunion didn't even register as a blip. But now, as I think of it, I feel once again as if I missed out.

I don't even know why I wanted to go to the stupid things. Everyone there would still be harboring animosity toward me. Out of my graduating class of about 650 people, there were about 5 that were nice to me, and only 2 that were ever friends. I guess the reason I was, and still am, pissed off is that it should have been MY choice on whether I attended or not. They had no right to make that choice for me.

I told my therapist about the 10 year reunion crap one time. She said that was one of the saddest things she'd ever heard. That people would be so cruel so many years later. I appreciated the sympathy.

And why, 16 years later, does this high school experience still color my world so much? One thing it taught me was to always be on the lookout for someone to hurt you. I think maybe that experience is one reason why I hate attention and would prefer to be invisible. If no one sees you, then they won't attack.

The only good things to come from those years are my 2 lifelong friends that I'm still in contact with today. They're like sisters to me. The other was one teacher who listened. He met with me every morning before school for a half hour for at least 3 months and just talked with me. He listened to me and helped. He was the only adult I trusted enough to tell that I was being sexually abused at home. He meant more to me than he'll ever know, and most likely I wouldn't be on this earth if it weren't for him. He saved my life. He was the only light in a world of darkness and pain where every day was filled with thoughts of suicide.

I ran into him in 1999 when I went with my best friend to her 10 year reunion (she was a year ahead of me in school). He was still teaching at the high school. We saw each other in the hall and he recognized me immediately, remembered my name and those 3 months. He asked how I was doing, how my life was. I hugged him and thanked him for helping me through one of the toughest times of my life. But I didn't tell him how much he really meant to me. I wish I had. Maybe I'll send him a letter at the school. If he's not working there anymore, maybe they'll have a forwarding address and send it to him. I'd like him to know how much he changed my life. He's a true hero.

I only know it's not right

I hate this. It's like I'm in a holding pattern, waiting. I still don't know what's wrong, only that it's not right. I can't put my finger on it; it's like I can sense something lurking under the surface but when I try to see what it is, it dives deep down and waits until I'm not looking closely before it nears the surface again. It's positively annoying.

I feel very unstable, shaky. I'm not clearly depressed, yet not clearly manic, either. Why is it taking so long to show itself? This isn't a crash and burn, more like time has slowed to a crawl during a nosedive. You see it happening all around you, know what's coming, yet it seems like it will be an eternity before you hit the ground. I really have that sense of slowing to a crawl. Not physically, but more of sensing what's happening to me.

I know the ground is hurtling toward me, I can see it coming. But I keep wondering when it will hit. It seems like this nosedive into instability is taking an awfully long time. And I keep wondering will the ground be soft? Hard? Will I bounce off it with little or no injury? Or will it smash every bone in my body? Hell, I don't even know if I'm heading for earth or water.

The anxiety is the worst. Waiting to see if this progresses and if so, how far it will go. I have this nervousness, like an itch. I'm edgy and cranky as all hell one minute, laughing and relaxed the next. I feel a restlessness that runs deep.

I'm still functioning. Better, actually, than in months. I've done more cleaning than I have for a long time. And I'm keeping the house clean - well the living room and kitchen, at least. I'm doing laundry. I'm paying bills. Still active in my daily routines. I'm even cooking regularly, a feat in and of itself.

As long as I'm active, I'm ok. It's when I'm not that the oppressive cloud starts to weigh heavily on my mind.

It's so weird. It's almost as if my instability is neutral at this point. It could go either way. Apathy threatens to immobilize me, yet there is the promise of many plans. (an image of the Tin Man swaying back and forth comes to mind, singing If I Only had a Heart - where the hell did that come from?) So apparently I'm now experiencing the Switzerland of cycles. Well why not? I've had depression, mania, and mixed. Why not one that hasn't decided which way to go, but is uncomfortable nonetheless? Just because it doesn't know what it wants to be when it grows up doesn't mean it can't be a pain in the ass and mess with me in the meantime.

I'm tempted to say it's leaning toward the manic side of the fence, simply because I have all these things I want to do all at once: I want to start writing a novel, paint, dance, play games, color in a coloring book, spend tons of money on dvd's (oh I have SO many I want to buy), radically change my hair - I want to cut about 8 inches off even though I've been trying to grow it out for over 2 years and still have 6 inches to go before I have it as long as I've wanted it, rearrange all the furniture inside and outside the house. Not to mention all the emotional things associated with mania: wanting to drive fast with no seatbelt, feeling reckless and daring, hypersexual, playful bordering on annoyance to others. I want to take risks, feel thrills and excitement. I want to take several classes at the museum related to ancient egypt. I absolutely adore ancient egypt. I want to take classes on working with clay, glass blowing, painting with all different mediums. There is an exhibit at the museum of art that I'm dying to go to. It's on ancient egypt, on tour from the British Museum (but I don't know, people annoy me lately. Not so keen on being in a crowd of them). I have so many books that I want to start reading - some new, some I've read before.

But I don't really have elevated energy or racing thoughts. Hmm, after reading that last paragraph I wrote, maybe I should add the word yet to that last sentence.

I just don't feel truly manic, nor truly depressed. I'm both, but at the same time, neither. At least not full blown. Yet. I swear, this is driving me crazy!

I keep knocking the temperature down on the thermostat. It's 70 degrees outside right now, yet I'm so hot. Suffocatingly hot. I just lowered the temp to 73 on my air conditioner. I know it will drive our electric bill sky high if I keep doing this, but I can't breathe, it's so hot. Everyone else says it's freezing in the house. But what's weird is that I'll be melting, then a few minutes after I turn down the temp, I get too cold. Not only am I not comfortable mentally, but physically as well. I can't seem to regulate my temperature at all. This is FREAKING RIDICULOUS!!! I'm constantly playing with the thermostat and I'm frustrated as all hell.

I'm wide awake and considering going to my local Wal-Mart to buy some dvd's, maybe some art supplies. Don't you just love our 24/7 society? I've been wanting Sybil and the Dead Like Me series for a long time. I know hubby would blow a gasket if I bought them, but right now part of me is saying "I don't care, I want it and I'm going to get it whether you say yes or not". I can see it now. Yeah, that'd go over well.

Right now I feel like I'm going to explode. I have a serious need to scream at the top of my lungs. Throwing and breaking things has a seductive appeal also. There's a fury and a rage that's on the verge of bubbling over and I just want to absolutely freaking LOSE IT.

Yet within all of the above, there is an undercurrent of sadness, fear, hopelessness, helplessness, loneliness - an underground river, winding and snaking its way through the countryside of my soul. Right now it's lapping gently, just enough to let me know it's there. But there is the constant threat to overflow its banks and flood me with such intensity that I fear it will consume me.

Prowling the banks of that river, though, is a tiger. Restless and hungry, it paces back and forth waiting for prey to pounce upon and devour.

So here I am, standing on the bank of that river, waiting to see if the tiger will get me or if I'll fall into the water. Or worse, the tiger attacks and we fall into the river together.

Hmm, maybe now would be a good time to start that novel. I'm feeling particularly descriptive at the moment.

Failure

a - 21
d - 20
e - 33

I've been having a harder time this past week. It's real work to keep control of my anger. It keeps threatening to morph into a blind rage - the kind where you scream, throw things, and smash everything you can get your hands on. Then, of course, there's the anxiety. And I'm so freaking needy, it's unreal.

I'm so pissed off that I'm cycling again. I mean my scores were 3! Now they're in the 20's! I keep telling myself that 20's is still a lot lower than 80's, but let's face it - I'm a perfectionist. Even this much of a change in my stability feels like a failure. And I'm afraid that in no time at all I'll be back in the 80's.

I'm smelling things that aren't there. A few hours ago I smelled brownies baking. Now I smell bacon. No one else smells them, and no one has baked or cooked anything. I know those smells aren't there, but I smell them anyways. That's not good. I have a history of psychotic symptoms. Both hallucinations and delusions. I don't want them to increase my anti-psychotic med. It makes me so tired as it is. If they increase it anymore, I'll do nothing but sleep! That'll really help my stability, won't it?

I'm so scared that I'm going to end up in the same place I was at a few months ago.

I don't want to be there again. A few months ago I was ready to lay down and die. I can feel the fear gnawing away in the pit of my stomach. The cycle has barely started and I already feel my strength weakening.

Several years ago I had the ability to shut down my emotions and not feel anything. I could just go numb. Unfortunately, I lost that ability. How I wish I still had it. I'd give anything to just not feel right now.

I don't want to do this again.

My previous scores

Here are my scores (explained in post 'Balance between episodes'), from the first to the latest. Remember it ranges from 0-100 (100 being worst).

3/22/06........a-56 ....d-86 ....e-83
3/26/06........a-62 ....d-91 ....e-85
3/28/06........a-81 ....d-80 ....e-87
4/4/06..........a-62 ....d-82 ....e-90
4/12/06........a-95 ....d-81 ....e-66
4/19/06........a-79 ....d-85 ....e-62
4/26/06........a-77 ....d-84 ....e-75
5/3/06..........a-61 ....d-92 ....e-33
5/10/06........a-81 ....d-90 ....e-35
5/17/06........a-62 ....d-89 ....e-41
5/24/06.......a-54 ....d-94 ....e-53
6/7/06..........a-65 ....d-75 ....e-40
6/14/06........a-43 ....d-82 ....e-52
6/21/06........a-57 ....d-79 ....e-61
6/28/06........a-76 ....d-90 ....e-58
7/5/06..........a-60 ....d-92 ....e-60
7/12/06........a-60 ....d-92 ....e-62
7/26/06........a-77 ....d-85 ....e-57
8/2/06..........a-15 ....d-31 ....e-27
8/9/06..........a-15 ....d-16 ....e-19
8/16/06........a-6 ......d-9 ......e-11
8/23/06........a-7 ......d-7 ......e-9
8/30/06........a-3 .....d-3 ......e-5

In the rainstorm

Today I sat outside in the rain. It rained very hard for a long time and I just sat there enjoying the feel of the water, the smell of the rain, and the sound of raindrops hitting everything around me. I got a lot of weird looks from people driving down the street, though. But I didn't care. I wanted to be in the rainstorm. I certainly feel like it's in me.

As I said in my last post, I'm not sure whether I'm getting depressed or manic. Funny, I can usually tell, even at the beginning of an episode. But I can't tell this time. I'm experiencing a lot of the signs of a beginning depression, but there's a lot of signs of a beginning mania, too:

anger, anxiety, sadness, edginess, crying, less sleep, surges of energy, no energy, crankiness, overly sensitive, loss of appetite, neediness, recklessness, more sexual, impulsive, wanting to spend money, less ability to concentrate, wanting to be violent, wanting to stop my meds.

As you can tell, there's elements of both. Part of me is very afraid that instead of being one or the other it will be another mixed episode. In my last episode the lines were blurred between mania and depression. It was so awful. I don't ever want to feel that way again, and I'm so scared that I'll have to.

Probably one of the worst parts of starting to cycle is that I can see myself changing. I can still think and realize that I'm not functioning properly. Able to see what's happening, but unable to stop it. That's how I feel right now. Helpless to stop what I know is coming and unable to escape.

Perched on the edge

You know, looking back over this blog, I see that I was great at describing the worst of what I was going through. However, I didn't show the other side of bipolar - the time in between episodes - at all. I wish I had. Maybe it would have helped me to balance myself now. That and it would let people know that it's not always that bad.

I'm starting to cycle again. I can't tell yet whether I'm headed up or down, but I know I'm headed somewhere. I'm not able to let things go as easily as I have been able to over this last month. I'm much quicker to anger and slower to calm down. I've been crying more often. Not wanting to go to sleep. I'm sad that I'm losing my balance.

I'm still having periods where I'm calm and balanced. I haven't progressed into a full blown episode yet. Thank goodness for that. But I can tell I'm not as stable as I have been. It's hard to recall those feelings of calm and balance that I've been experiencing for 5 weeks now. It's a little harder to concentrate. For example, when I'm driving and have to make a left turn to cross traffic, I hesitate longer. I'm not as sure of my reaction time.

I've had this illness for well over a decade, probably closer to 15 years. Cycling doesn't come as a surprise anymore, but I still get very angry when it happens. It catches me off guard and I don't feel like I've had enough of a break. I'm so sick and tired of the cycles.

When I get to have those wonderful periods of calm, I'm reminded of what I'd probably be like if I didn't have bipolar. It's amazing the difference in me. I'm calm, balanced, strong, confident, easy-going, and a problem solver when I'm in between episodes. I'm none of those when I'm cycling.

Right now I'm perched on the edge and can see both sides. Where I'm coming from and where I'm going to. It's frustrating to know that I'll lose all of those qualities and become swept up in the pain again. It's like finally waking from a bad dream and then being sucked back into it knowing you'll forget that you ever woke up and were free.

I really hate this.