Jealousy and guilt

It's my stepson's 18th birthday today and instead of me being happy and in a celebratory mood, I'm feeling petty and jealous. I keep thinking back to my birthday that was pretty much overlooked. I'm trying not to, but it's hard. I felt cheated out of my birthday and it's hard to see someone else have a great one. Talk about childish and immature.

I'm not supposed to feel this way. Only a mean person would feel this way and I don't want to be a mean person. I'm usually go out of my way to be nice, but my stepson can really bring the mean out in me. I don't like that about me at all. I hate that I let him have that kind of power over my emotions.

I only let out a small percentage of what I'm feeling, though, when I'm pissed off at him. I work really hard at hiding the rest and I think I do a decent job. If I didn't, it would be constant world war 3 in my house and Hubby would stay perpetually upset with me. That's how often I get pissed at my stepson.

I feel really bad, really guilty that I feel this way, but it's the truth. Does that make me a horrible person? I'm afraid that it does.

I have a 15 year history with him that has been nothing but rivalry all this time. We've always been locked in a battle for Hubby's attention/affection/whatever you want to pick. Hubby made it perfectly clear when we met that he would choose his son over me. Now he says things are different.

I don't know where I stand. Even after all these years, I still feel like my stepson comes first. That he's more important to Hubby than I am, and that if push came to shove I'd be the one pushed out the door while he got to stay.