What did my mania ever do to you?

Why, oh why kill that lovely creature? It never did anything to you, yet there it lies, dead. By your hands, dear doctor. I felt free. Alive. Happy. Full of the energy of life! However to you, these were obviously symptoms of an abnormal psychology at work. So you pulled out your trusty scrip pad and proceded to demolish what little chance I had at real happiness. To tell the truth, at times the intensity was overwhelming. That's why I came to you in the first place, dear doctor. Not because you said to come if I cycled up, but because I wanted you to turn down the intensity just a bit. Well, you turned it down, alright. Right into the ground. Now all I'm left with is an emptiness inside and a longing for what was. The drugs you're pumping into me assures my sweet mania won't return for a long long time, if ever. Now I'm in a holding pattern. Waiting to see if the black soul sucking depression smashes me in the face.

I don't understand. You fill me with drugs you say you don't want to give, in order to alleviate the soul sucking depression. It works. I'm filled with the Light of Life and then you say that's not right either. Would you make up your freaking mind?? There seems to be no middle ground for me. I'm one or the other. I've been wanting you to decide for a while now as to which end of the spectrum you think I should be on. Well, now I have my answer. You want me with the soul suckers. Where no light escapes. Where no life can exist for long.

You say that I'll never get anti-depressants from this clinic again (in my head the phrase "You'll never work in this town again!" spins round and round - I try not to laugh). That you won't go through this again. Funny, and here I thought I was the one with the elevated energy level, insomnia, recklessness, and super good mood. What exactly, dear doctor, have you gone through?

Why did you do this to me?! You take away my mania, say I'll most likely crash into a depression, then tell me you won't help me if I get depressed?! That I'll just have to be depressed! Hello?! That's a real good thing to say to someone who gets suicidally depressed. Someone who's impulsive. Someone who has acted on those impulses in the past. Yeah, tell that person they'll just have to be depressed. Let's see how long she lasts.

You say the only thing left for me is CBT, a therapy process that takes several months to be able to lessen the bipolar swings. Not prevent, just lessen. It's once a week and I only started 2 weeks ago! If I crash any time soon, I'm in trouble. I'm alone in the dark and I don't know where or who to turn to. What do I do now?