Falling into the hole again

I'm tired of this instability. I feel myself falling back into the fucking hole and I'm clawing at the earth with my hands trying to grab hold of anything I can find to pull me out, or at the very least stop my descent. My descent into madness. Ok, so that's a little melodramatic. Call it poetic license.

My shrink said the last several months my bipolar has been very mixed and disorganized, and that because of that there's no way he can predict what it's going to do next. Well, he's definitely right. It has been extremely mixed and disorganized. And I can't predict what it will do either, and I've been living with it for over half my life. Why should I expect him to be able to do it?

It's never been this bad for this long before. Also, I've always gotten a respite from it after a bad episode. At least until this time. Unless this has all been just one really fucking long episode. But I've never had a mixed episode last anywhere near this long. Maybe a couple of weeks. But months? Never this long.

Another thing is the rapidity with which the moods are changing. Granted, I've been a rapid cycler for years now, but never like this. When I'm mixed they're cycling so fast they're almost in tandem - mania and depression on top of each other. Not a good mix, let me tell you.

I just don't know what's wrong with me. Why is this happening to me? I need answers and I'm afraid that no one has them. And I need some relief. A week is not enough. I need more than that. I need time to be able to breathe again.