My mom died

My mom died on Saturday. It was such a shock. Every doctor and nurse said her vitals were great - that she was in no danger physically. So what the hell happened??!

I'm freaking out. I bounce back and forth between numb, depressed, angry, and manic.

I don't know what I'm going to do without her. And I feel very guilty. I was out of town "taking a break from her" when she died. I abandoned her. I wanted her to move to my brother's house so I wouldn't have to be responsible because it was so hard on me. Now she's gone. How could I have done that to her? This is my punishment.

I found out tonight that she hadn't been taking her meds for at least a month or two. If I'd paid closer attention, she wouldn't have gotten sick and died. It's all my fault.

I want to cut. I want to take handfuls of pills. But I can't right now because there are too many people here. But I'm scared of what I may do next week once they're all gone.

And I can't FUCKING sleep!!! I'm losing it.

I don't want to feel this pain anymore.