A new me for 2007

I was reading a post on Suicide Forum and it rocked me to the core. It really got me thinking about where I wanted my life to go from here. A man who is wise beyond his 20 years said something that's elegantly simple, yet so many people never think of it. Or think they can't do it.

But you know, what I've learned in CBT is that you really do have control over how you think and feel. And his post spoke to me. The gist of it is using the New Year to start fresh. Figure out what you don't like about yourself and change it. I responded to his post (if you read down, I'm bipolarkitty).

I hope all of you will read his post and the responses. Some of the responders are able to see the possibility of change, but sadly others are in so much pain that they think either it won't work or it's too late for them. I hope that all of you who read it are able to see the possibility.

I, for one, am giving it a shot. I'm committed to making true and lasting change in my life.

I'll let you all know how it goes. :)

Only a question of when and how

My therapist confirmed that I'm having a mixed episode right now. Problem is, with the exception of August, I've been mixed since April of this year. That's 8 very long months of sheer agony. I've had enough.

I don't know why this is happening. I never had a mixed episode before this year. I was always either up or down or fine. But it seems my illness has taken a turn in how it manifests itself, and it's left me reeling.

I feel like I'm going backward. I used to be so good at knowing exactly how I felt. But now it's very hard to define how I feel. The lines between emotions are so blurry. I'm reduced to either I feel "good" or "bad". There's so much more underneath, I just can't form it into words. If I feel bad and I'm asked what does bad mean or what am I thinking about, all I can hear is screaming in my head. No thought, no reason - only screams of anger and pain and fear.

And here I thought I couldn't go any crazier.

My therapist asked me Thursday if I was going to be safe when I left his office. I didn't want to answer him because I knew what my answer was. It was no. But I was afraid if I told him that then he'd start to think that I was becoming too dangerous to myself. He pressed me for an answer and I resentfully said yes.

I guess what it boils down to is that this mix that I'm in is getting worse every day. The self-destructive feelings I've been having aren't going away, they're getting stronger. I dream about the things I want to do, which only serves to reinforce and strengthen the desire to act on them.

The other night I dreamed I had dozens of cuts on my lower leg (which is weird, considering the only place I usually cut is my left forearm). Anyway, there was blood everywhere and it wouldn't stop. I was blissfully happy in the dream about it and when I woke up I still felt that afterglow. I really REALLY wanted to make that dream a reality.

If these feelings don't subside, it's not a question of whether I'll act or not. It's only a question of when. And of what form it will take.