Surprise was the theme for today

I told 3 separate mental health professionals today that I had been in danger of suicide yesterday. You would think that would be a red flag to them that maybe I was in trouble. Would you believe that only one of them offered help to me today when I told him? I'm stunned. I figured all three would ask if I were still suicidal today. Only one did, in a roundabout way. I knew he was wanting to know, though, so that counts in my book as asking. At least he showed he cared. The other 2 didn't. And though I do know that they care for my well-being, I didn't sense it today.

I don't know, maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's because I'm feeling so disconnected from everyone. It's like I'm in my own little world where nothing penetrates very far.

I'm actually surprised that I'm not feeling suicidal right now. In the past, my pattern has been that once I cross the threshold to actively planning my imminent death, the suicidal thoughts and intent are almost constant for quite a long time. Days, sometimes weeks.

Right now though, all I'm feeling is disconnection, emptiness, and weariness. I feel like I'm on hold, waiting for something. I just don't know what. I'm operating on automatic pilot at this point.