Off-bubble

I think my psychiatrist may be close to admitting me to the hospital again. This time it'd be because I can't freakin sleep. That and I'm manic as hell. :)

I'm really not looking forward to that if it's what comes to pass. That would be 3 times in the last 3 months. My pattern has always been about once every 2 years. This is getting ridiculous. February, March, and now April?

I wonder if I could fight it? I wonder if it'd be a 'voluntary only because I agree' admission or a truly voluntary one that is only if I want it. I wonder if there's any more he can do for me outpatient?

I get the sense that he's nearing the end of his repertoire. I hope not. I don't want to go inpatient again. I guess on the bright side, the doc at the hospital would finally realize that I'm not schizophrenic. LOL

The last two visits, she diagnosed me as schizophrenic, chronic paranoid type. I tried to tell them that I'm not schizophrenic, I'm bipolar with psychotic features. But it didn't get changed. My therapist likes to say that if I get a hair off-bubble from the middle that that's when I get psychotic. She's right. But I'm not psychotic now. Just manic.

I feel like I want to keep typing, but nothing else is coming up in my head, so I'm going to end this post and see what other trouble I can get into for the night. ;)

Sleep departs again

The mania started because I couldn't sleep, which really sucks because I had awesome sleeping habits at the time. I was actually going to bed by midnight and getting up by 8 am. I was falling right asleep and sleeping all the way through the night without waking up. But now...

It's so hard to fall asleep. I'm lucky if I get to sleep by 3 am. It's usually more like 4 am. I'm up by 7:30 to 8 in the morning. And to top it all off, I keep waking up. So basically I'm getting 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night, not counting all the times in between where I wake up.

Mania visits again

I'm manic again. I'm not sleeping, very sensual, and am full of risky behaviors. Spending, drinking, driving all Nascar-like, dressing more sexy than normal, sex sex sex... ;)

I'm so full of ideas, yet I can't concentrate well enough to do any of them. It's so frustrating. I'm infused to the core with creativity, yet I can't communicate it. I found a description of mania last night on the web and it fits perfectly. I wish I could take credit for it, but I can't. The author definitely knows how to play with words to convey mania perfectly, though.

At first when I'm high, it's tremendous. Ideas are fast... like shooting stars you follow until brighter ones appear. All shyness disappears, the right words and gestures are suddenly there. Uninteresting people and things become intensely interesting. Sensuality is pervasive, the desire to seduce and be seduced is irresistible. Your marrow is infused with unbelievable feelings of ease, power, well-being, omnipotence, euphoria... you can do anything... but somewhere this changes. The fast ideas start coming too fast and there are far too many. Overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. You stop keeping up with it. Memory goes. Infectious humor ceases to amuse. Your friends become frightened. Everything is now against the grain. You are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and trapped.