Un-special birthday

This was just about the worst birthday I think I've ever had.

The only gift given to me today was a boquet of roses by my stepson's girlfriend. I was very touched.

Yesterday my mom had me take her to the store where she bought my birthday present. Well, I picked it out, put it in the cart, brought it home, and brought it in the house. The only thing mom did was pay for it. So it really wasn't like a birthday present at all. I didn't even get it on my birthday. But maybe I'm just being unreasonable. She did get me a nice card, though.

No gift at all from hubby. Not even a card.

No birthday cake either.

I was hoping at least for a special dinner out somewhere. No such luck. At 8:30 I finally ended up going to a fast food place to get supper for everyone because I was so hungry my stomach hurt. To top it all off, it was cold and raining pretty hard on the way to get the food.

I was so miserable and crying so hard that I could barely see the road in front of me. Once I got there I called and left a message for my therapist. I was hurting so much and I wanted to hear her voice so bad, even though I knew she wouldn't be there. I don't even remember what I said in my message to her. I felt so alone.

When I saw those roses today, I wanted to cry because someone that wasn't even family had done more than anyone else to show they thought my birthday was special. No one else made me feel that way. Never before have I had a birthday where I didn't feel special. I didn't feel special at all today. It made me so sad.

Turbulence

I'm feeling a lot right now. Angry, overwhelmed, sad - those are the main feelings. I want to scream, cry, cut, throw things, break things!

I don't know if I want to be 34! All 34 means is that for 18 years no one has helped me. That's all it means. That I've just suffered another year of torment. It really is just proof that nothing has worked for me and nothing will.

I'm not even halfway through my life! I can't go through the rest of my life this way. They say you can do anything. After all, what other choice do you have? There is always another choice.

How can I possibly have gone from 16 to 34 and NOT gotten any better?? Not only haven't I gotten better, I've actually gotten worse! It doesn't make sense!

Right now any little thing is too much. I don't feel like I can handle anything. I hate this!

Enduring spirit or cold reminder?

I'm 34 today. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is surprised I made it to 34. Part of me is afraid that I'm facing another possible 34 years of this torment. Then there's the little kid part of me that's happy and excited because it's my birthday and that's my day - no one else's. And I'll admit it - the presents are very cool. :-)

It being my birthday and all, I feel like reflecting. I never expected to make it this far. Every year I expect that I'll be dead before my next birthday. And somehow every year another birthday comes and goes and I'm still here. Talk about a testament to the power of the human spirit - to endure such pain and suffering year after year and still find a way to continue on. However, due to the duality I'm experiencing lately, I also see the flip side. That instead of it being a testament of the enduring spirit, it's a cold hard reminder that things will never change for me. I've seen myself go from 16 to 34 without change in the turmoil and pain. That is not a good thing, and does not predict a happy future.

This last year was a very hard one for me. My dad died, my Mom moved in with me, I experienced suicidal depressions and the highest of manias, not to mention this current mixed episode. Many changes and fluctuations. For over a solid year my life has been in chaos, and has yet to settle down.