Unsure of what to do

I'm in a bit of a quandary. I recently opened up quite a bit with my therapist and doctor about my hallucinations and delusions. I must admit, it's very refreshing to be able to be so open and free when I'm with them now. I don't feel like I have to hide things for fear of their reaction. Except for now.

When I first opened the floodgates and let everything out, I did so in a letter to each of them. It was very long and detailed. I spilled everything that's been going on in my head for these past few years. Neither of them knew how extensive it all was. They admitted surprise at the scope of it. Unfortunately, I also ended up being hospitalized for my psychosis because I was convinced that my meds were poisoned and I wouldn't take them. Hence, the hospital stay to get me back on them.

The problem is that at the time I was discharged, I was sick and nauseous. I couldn't take my meds regularly. Often I would throw them right back up. Obviously they lost their hold on me quickly and I'm more lost than ever.

I want to tell them what I know. What I'm thinking. But I can't risk being hospitalized again right now. I have an important medical test coming up in 5 days and I really don't want to have to reschedule it. It was even scheduled so that the doctor doing it would still remember my case. He did the first part with unusual results, so this is the continuation of that test. When he rescheduled, he told me he wanted to see me quickly enough that he wouldn't forget what was going on. So you can see why I don't want to reschedule.

When I was in the hospital last month, it was for 6 days. I imagine that a return trip would last at least as long, if not longer. That's if I cooperate and play along with them. That's how I got out last time. I played the game. If I go in again, I don't want to play this time. I don't want to just say what they want to hear. I want to be true to my beliefs and convictions. I want them to see that I know what's really going on and that I truly understand the nature of my reality.

Meds can't change the fact of my situation. All they can do is make me forget for a while. And I don't know if I want to forget. It would mean living a lie. I don't want to live in ignorance of what's going on around me. Now if they could only figure out how to get me out of here, that would be great. I'd swallow that pill in a heartbeat! I want out of this nightmare that everyone calls reality. If only they really knew what was going on.

I don't know what to do.