I want to be taken care of

I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I've come down from the high and I feel terrible. It hit yesterday afternoon and I slept for 3 or 4 hours and the energy hasn't been back since. I can't deal with this. It's too much.

I've been thinking about something for about a day now. I can't get it out of my mind - I'm craving attention. I crave it badly. I want someone to give me their undivided attention and not only be concerned for me, but to show it. That's so selfish, I know. And I'm positive that if it were to actually occur, I'd be so self-conscious that I'd practically shut down.

I hate myself right now. I'm so sick of me. I'm a pathetic worthless self-centered lazy miserable excuse for a human being. I don't want to be me any more.

I'm so tired. I don't want to do this anymore.

Why do I want attention so badly? I fantasize about it. I can't get it out of my head. Why?

I know this is a sign of depression for me. Whenever I'm depressed I get this way. I don't know, maybe it's because I need someone to show that they see I'm in pain and that they care. I want to be taken care of. No one takes care of me - I take care of everyone else. I take care of them the way I want to be taken care of. But no one does me the same courtesy. They just expect me to carry on. I'm still supposed to keep the house clean, cook all the meals, keep the finances straight, pay the bills on time, and run all the errands. No one helps me unless I ask several times. No one just offers. No one wants to help me and no one wants to listen.

No one notices how hard life is for me. And if I talk about how I feel, everyone acts like 'Here we go again - Arianna's depressed. Can't she just get over it already? We're tired of hearing her whine and complain. So she's got problems - big deal. Everybody has problems, but you don't hear them whining about them all the time.'

I'm just a burden to everyone and they're tired of hearing about my problems. They're tired of me getting depressed. They think I should be able to keep up with everything no matter how I feel. They don't think my feelings are important because I swing so wildly and chaotically. And so often. It's just another mood swing to them. It's commonplace.

They have no idea what it's like for me. What I go through on a daily basis. They have no idea how much energy it takes just to keep going. How easy it would be for me to just give up. And honestly, I think if I weren't so worried about what people would think and how it would hurt them, I would give up. I really don't know why I keep going day after day. Maybe I shouldn't figure out why. It keeps me going. I don't think I should mess with it.