Failure

a - 21
d - 20
e - 33

I've been having a harder time this past week. It's real work to keep control of my anger. It keeps threatening to morph into a blind rage - the kind where you scream, throw things, and smash everything you can get your hands on. Then, of course, there's the anxiety. And I'm so freaking needy, it's unreal.

I'm so pissed off that I'm cycling again. I mean my scores were 3! Now they're in the 20's! I keep telling myself that 20's is still a lot lower than 80's, but let's face it - I'm a perfectionist. Even this much of a change in my stability feels like a failure. And I'm afraid that in no time at all I'll be back in the 80's.

I'm smelling things that aren't there. A few hours ago I smelled brownies baking. Now I smell bacon. No one else smells them, and no one has baked or cooked anything. I know those smells aren't there, but I smell them anyways. That's not good. I have a history of psychotic symptoms. Both hallucinations and delusions. I don't want them to increase my anti-psychotic med. It makes me so tired as it is. If they increase it anymore, I'll do nothing but sleep! That'll really help my stability, won't it?

I'm so scared that I'm going to end up in the same place I was at a few months ago.

I don't want to be there again. A few months ago I was ready to lay down and die. I can feel the fear gnawing away in the pit of my stomach. The cycle has barely started and I already feel my strength weakening.

Several years ago I had the ability to shut down my emotions and not feel anything. I could just go numb. Unfortunately, I lost that ability. How I wish I still had it. I'd give anything to just not feel right now.

I don't want to do this again.