I only know it's not right

I hate this. It's like I'm in a holding pattern, waiting. I still don't know what's wrong, only that it's not right. I can't put my finger on it; it's like I can sense something lurking under the surface but when I try to see what it is, it dives deep down and waits until I'm not looking closely before it nears the surface again. It's positively annoying.

I feel very unstable, shaky. I'm not clearly depressed, yet not clearly manic, either. Why is it taking so long to show itself? This isn't a crash and burn, more like time has slowed to a crawl during a nosedive. You see it happening all around you, know what's coming, yet it seems like it will be an eternity before you hit the ground. I really have that sense of slowing to a crawl. Not physically, but more of sensing what's happening to me.

I know the ground is hurtling toward me, I can see it coming. But I keep wondering when it will hit. It seems like this nosedive into instability is taking an awfully long time. And I keep wondering will the ground be soft? Hard? Will I bounce off it with little or no injury? Or will it smash every bone in my body? Hell, I don't even know if I'm heading for earth or water.

The anxiety is the worst. Waiting to see if this progresses and if so, how far it will go. I have this nervousness, like an itch. I'm edgy and cranky as all hell one minute, laughing and relaxed the next. I feel a restlessness that runs deep.

I'm still functioning. Better, actually, than in months. I've done more cleaning than I have for a long time. And I'm keeping the house clean - well the living room and kitchen, at least. I'm doing laundry. I'm paying bills. Still active in my daily routines. I'm even cooking regularly, a feat in and of itself.

As long as I'm active, I'm ok. It's when I'm not that the oppressive cloud starts to weigh heavily on my mind.

It's so weird. It's almost as if my instability is neutral at this point. It could go either way. Apathy threatens to immobilize me, yet there is the promise of many plans. (an image of the Tin Man swaying back and forth comes to mind, singing If I Only had a Heart - where the hell did that come from?) So apparently I'm now experiencing the Switzerland of cycles. Well why not? I've had depression, mania, and mixed. Why not one that hasn't decided which way to go, but is uncomfortable nonetheless? Just because it doesn't know what it wants to be when it grows up doesn't mean it can't be a pain in the ass and mess with me in the meantime.

I'm tempted to say it's leaning toward the manic side of the fence, simply because I have all these things I want to do all at once: I want to start writing a novel, paint, dance, play games, color in a coloring book, spend tons of money on dvd's (oh I have SO many I want to buy), radically change my hair - I want to cut about 8 inches off even though I've been trying to grow it out for over 2 years and still have 6 inches to go before I have it as long as I've wanted it, rearrange all the furniture inside and outside the house. Not to mention all the emotional things associated with mania: wanting to drive fast with no seatbelt, feeling reckless and daring, hypersexual, playful bordering on annoyance to others. I want to take risks, feel thrills and excitement. I want to take several classes at the museum related to ancient egypt. I absolutely adore ancient egypt. I want to take classes on working with clay, glass blowing, painting with all different mediums. There is an exhibit at the museum of art that I'm dying to go to. It's on ancient egypt, on tour from the British Museum (but I don't know, people annoy me lately. Not so keen on being in a crowd of them). I have so many books that I want to start reading - some new, some I've read before.

But I don't really have elevated energy or racing thoughts. Hmm, after reading that last paragraph I wrote, maybe I should add the word yet to that last sentence.

I just don't feel truly manic, nor truly depressed. I'm both, but at the same time, neither. At least not full blown. Yet. I swear, this is driving me crazy!

I keep knocking the temperature down on the thermostat. It's 70 degrees outside right now, yet I'm so hot. Suffocatingly hot. I just lowered the temp to 73 on my air conditioner. I know it will drive our electric bill sky high if I keep doing this, but I can't breathe, it's so hot. Everyone else says it's freezing in the house. But what's weird is that I'll be melting, then a few minutes after I turn down the temp, I get too cold. Not only am I not comfortable mentally, but physically as well. I can't seem to regulate my temperature at all. This is FREAKING RIDICULOUS!!! I'm constantly playing with the thermostat and I'm frustrated as all hell.

I'm wide awake and considering going to my local Wal-Mart to buy some dvd's, maybe some art supplies. Don't you just love our 24/7 society? I've been wanting Sybil and the Dead Like Me series for a long time. I know hubby would blow a gasket if I bought them, but right now part of me is saying "I don't care, I want it and I'm going to get it whether you say yes or not". I can see it now. Yeah, that'd go over well.

Right now I feel like I'm going to explode. I have a serious need to scream at the top of my lungs. Throwing and breaking things has a seductive appeal also. There's a fury and a rage that's on the verge of bubbling over and I just want to absolutely freaking LOSE IT.

Yet within all of the above, there is an undercurrent of sadness, fear, hopelessness, helplessness, loneliness - an underground river, winding and snaking its way through the countryside of my soul. Right now it's lapping gently, just enough to let me know it's there. But there is the constant threat to overflow its banks and flood me with such intensity that I fear it will consume me.

Prowling the banks of that river, though, is a tiger. Restless and hungry, it paces back and forth waiting for prey to pounce upon and devour.

So here I am, standing on the bank of that river, waiting to see if the tiger will get me or if I'll fall into the water. Or worse, the tiger attacks and we fall into the river together.

Hmm, maybe now would be a good time to start that novel. I'm feeling particularly descriptive at the moment.