Terrifying rage and fury

a - 36
d - 36
e - 65

I feel positively murderous! I swear, it wouldn't take hardly anything to make me lose it right now. It's all I can do to keep myself from screaming and breaking things. I'm actually imagining myself throwing things at people and punching them!

This rage terrifies me. It comes from nowhere, but everything fuels it. I'm not a violent person. I'm actually just about a pacifist. I hate to hurt people. When I hurt someone, it bounces back on me and I feel so much guilt and pain for doing it.

But I want to hurt people. The way I'm being hurt. I want to say the most hurtful things I can come up with. I want to speak the brutal truth and it's tearing me apart trying to keep that fury inside. I don't care that what I want to say will stay with them forever. That it will seriously affect their self-esteem. I DON'T FUCKING CARE!!! I want to hurt them bad.

I even want to start screaming at total strangers who happen to get in my way or inconvenience me or make mistakes. I have no tolerance. They can all die for all I care. The world would be better off without such idiots anyway. Those people shouldn't be allowed to reproduce. Ever.

I've heard of manic rages, but I've never experienced one before. It's scaring the crap out of me. It's so intense and prolonged. And it's completely against my nature. I'm not really much of an angry person. I tend to get depressed or manic. Not raging. This isn't me! I don't know who this is.

I'm so scared I'm going to say something to Hubby that I can't take back. Something that would do serious and irreparable damage to our relationship. I'm afraid I'm going to lose all control. I'm afraid I might really hurt someone. Physically or emotionally or both.

My shrink once said if I was going manic, the first score to go up would be the over emotional one. Well, it's definitely up. He said my scores are like taking my emotional temperature.

I'd say I'm running a fever.