Imagination run amok

I miss my friend in Canada soooo much. I haven't heard a peep from him since October of last year and before that it was April. It's been such a long time and I miss talking with him. :(

I've tried every way I know to reach him other than snail mail. If I don't hear anything from this last round of trying to reach him, I guess snail mail it'll be.

I hope he's ok. My mind has been going crazy coming up with all kinds of reasons as to why he hasn't contacted me...

He's having a hard time and is staying away for my protection...
He's having a hard time and is staying away because I make him worse...
He's forgotten about me...
He doesn't like me anymore...
"They" won't let him contact me...
He got married and his wife won't let him talk to me anymore...
He's dead...

I hope to god none of those are true... Please don't let him be dead. I know his fiance... she's nice and I think she liked me. I'm trying really hard not to fall into the delusion that They are interfering. As for the first 2, I hope he's not having a hard time. And as for the others, I'm working hard not to go there. We're very good friends and I like to think I know him well enough to know he wouldn't just toss me aside without so much as a goodbye. He's a better person than that.

Truth is I don't know why he's gone silent. All I know is it makes for an imagination gone wild wondering why. I hate not knowing.

I'm trying not to be upset with him for leaving me hanging like this. Maybe there's nothing he can do about it. I just hope I hear something soon. It doesn't even have to be directly from him. Just somebody PLEASE let me know what's going on and that he's ok.

The Tree

I met with my group therapist since my individual one isn't available right now and she asked me something no one had ever asked before. She asked if anyone has ever been able to completely convince me that my hallucinations and delusions aren't real. If there's always a little part of me that still believes them.

I'd never thought of it, but she's right. No one's ever been able to convince me 100% that it isn't real. And if I'm completely honest, it's always there in the back of my mind. It's only every so often that it flares up into full blown psychotic symptoms, but it's never completely gone either.

So I think I figured out why I don't want to leave my house. It's because they cut that damn tree down.

You'd think I'd be dancing for joy, but noooooo not me. Even though I hated that tree, now that it's gone I feel a sense of panic gnawing away under the surface. Now I don't know where They are. They could be anywhere. It's so freaking terrifying, not knowing where They are.

I can't remember if I've ever talked about "Them" in this blog. I'll have to go back and see. But the cliff notes version is there are 2 men that watch me when I get all psychotic-y. No one else can see them, but I can. And even when I can't, I can sense their presence. Anyways, They always hid behind that tree.

Listen to me... I sound like a lunatic. I know it's not real. They're not real. But yet I know They are. I know it is.

By the way, if you're wondering why I capitalize when I refer to Them, it's to differentiate from the usual they or them when I talk. And if I find that I've never explained this, I'll tell you all the very entertaining bedtime story that is my psychosis. It's a thrilling tale of mystery, intrigue, with a dash of sci-fi thrown in for good measure.

I can joke about it, laugh it off, and when I see the words I know how ridiculous it all sounds... but it's no less real to me. That's the scary part. You know, if I heard someone else say what's going on in my head, I'd most likely roll my eyes while thinking 'riiiiight, sure it's true'. Does that make me a hypocrite? Yeah, I think it does.

Ok, I'm going to bed now. If I keep thinking about this tonight, it's going to turn into more than whisperings in the back of my mind. It'll be full blown paranoia and delusions. I'm afraid it may already be heading in that direction.

Suicidal thoughts

Why do I keep going on? Is this all my life is supposed to be? I honestly can’t see anything worth looking forward to. Yeah, I’d like to grow vegetables, but let’s be honest. We all know it won’t work. Why do I even bother to keep going? My life is meaningless. I know Hubby loves me, and that means the world to me, but is it enough to keep going? I have no life outside of this house. I really don’t even have a life inside this house. All I do is sleep, play oblivion, run up bills we can’t afford to pay, and occasionally cook and clean. I'm to the point where the only time I leave the house is for a mental health appointment.

I’m no good for Hubby. Not as a wife, not even as a cook and maid. I should be changing what we eat so he’d be healthier, but I don’t. I should quit smoking so he can, but I don’t. I should keep the house clean because honestly, what other pressing matters do I have? None. But no, what do I do? I sleep fucked up hours, get up, play either oblivion or poker, or watch voyager episodes. Then when it gets late and he goes to bed, I scramble to get clothes washed so he doesn’t have to wear dirty clothes. I know he loves me but lots of people love someone who is bad for them.

I’m bad for Hubby. I’m bad for the cat. I’m so selfish and spoiled that I put my needs ahead of everyone else’s, even if their needs are important and mine aren’t. If I’m uncomfortable, I avoid doing what needs to be done. What kind of person does that? I’ll tell you. A bad person, that’s who. My mom died because I wasn't up to taking care of her the way she needed. I wasn't around enough for her. I'm a horrible person who doesn't deserve to breathe the air and consume the precious resources of our planet.

If I wasn’t such a chicken shit coward, I’d have ended it long ago. Why am I prolonging the suffering? Because I’m too afraid to go through with it. I’m too afraid of everything. I’m so scared that I won’t take chances with anything. I obsess over stupid things until I’m frozen into inaction out of fear. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I treat other people, I hate the way I think about other people. I’m so intolerant it’s unreal. I’m not a nice person if you were to look at the real me.

If my therapist or psychiatrist knew what I was thinking right now, they’d put me in the hospital this second. The temptation to take all of those pills is so strong right now. I don’t want this life anymore. The only good part of my life is Hubby. I want ME out of my life. To do that I’d have to change everything and I’m too fucking scared and lazy to do it. If I were really a kind person, I’d release the people in my life that I’m dragging down with me. They don’t deserve to have to put up with me. They deserve a good person in their lives. And while I know they would argue fiercely against what I’m saying, I know in their hearts they agree with me. They’re just too good to admit it. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Yeah they’d be hurt, but soon they’d realize just how lucky they are to have me out of their lives. Love really is blind. They’re all better off without me. I know I'm the only one who can see that truth, but it doesn't make it any less true.

I want my life to end. If I don’t stop feeling this way and thinking this way, it’s going to. I’m sick of this crap and I don’t want to continue to suffer this way and worse for the next 30 or more years. No one should have to feel and think this way. So I’m done. I can't do it tonight since I have an appointment in the morning, but after that I'm free.

I guess the question now is... do I have the courage to kill myself? Or will I resign my fate to never ending suffering and chaos? In this moment in time, my answer is I'll find the courage somehow.

The tiny voice of the instinct for survival is saying I really should be in the hospital. I'm not safe from myself. But if I go to the hospital that means once again I'm a coward. I've chickened out too many times. I want to be brave for once in my life and finally go through with it. I want to stop this pain. And to everyone this act would hurt, I would hope they'd remember that while it hurts like a bitch to pull the splinter out, it has to be done and the pain goes away afterward.

Unreal reality

So much has happened over the last several months. I wish I'd kept up the posting on this blog during it all, but I didn't. Not sure why. So why, after all this time, am I posting now? Because I need to get this stuff out of my head and I have no one to talk to. I'm so alone and isolated. My stepson moved out a few months ago, so the only people I see now are Hubby and my therapist. My world has become a very small box and the longer I stay in it, the smaller it gets and the harder it is to get out of it.

The unreality is starting again. Curiously, this time around I'm not really seeing anything. It normally starts with hallucinations of objects breathing before progressing to the delusions. So far I haven't seen anything of the sort. It's jumped directly to the thoughts. I'm at the point where I know the way I'm thinking isn't right and I know that those thoughts aren't real or true, but they feel true. It feels right in my head. Eventually, if it isn't stopped, I'll progress to where I lose touch with reality. That's so scary. I'll totally believe in the delusions and the paranoia will make me not trust anyone enough to get help.

The paranoia is starting again as well. I started to panic in my therapist's office. The thought "They're gonna get me" just kept circling around and around in my head, going faster each time. She could see that I was starting to get very scared. She asked what I was doing because it looked to her like I was feeding it. I almost started to cry and said I don't know.

I was a little scared to tell her this stuff is starting up again. I almost didn't. I waited until most of the hour had passed, then I finally got the courage up to ask her how you can know something isn't true, but feel it is at the same time. I guess it was my chicken way of letting her know something is amiss. She got this look on her face. I'd definitely gotten her attention with that question.

She asked what I was referring to and after a bit of hesitation, I told her how I know the thought that "this world isn't real" isn't true, but that it makes perfect sense that it isn't real. It's so logical and obvious that it isn't real. Predictably, she asked when my next appointment with my psychiatrist is. It's in 2 weeks. She told me to let the nurses know that I'm getting manic and delusional again.

As she was writing my reminder for my next appointment, I couldn't help myself - I asked her one question. "It's not true, right?" I was needing reassurance that the world is real. She told me no it's not true, but she could see how scary the thought is. It was comforting. She wants to get it under control before I get to the point to where I don't trust anyone and stop telling them what I'm thinking and stop my meds because I think they're poisoned.

She asked if I thought I was becoming manic. I told her yes. I'm barely sleeping and my mind won't slow down. I have so many projects going. When she asked what they were, I couldn't get the words out of my mouth fast enough. I was speaking so fast and telling her so many things that she nodded and agreed that I'm getting manic. I told her that's when I have the thoughts.

When I was driving home from therapy today, I was looking at the world around me and it just felt fake. Like I wasn't a part of it, but separate. And I could sense "Them". I couldn't see Them, but I could feel Them. You know how you can feel when you're being watched? That's how I was feeling on the drive home.

As you can see from the length of this post, I'm definitely more talkative. I get that way when I'm manic. There's just so much in my head that I can't keep it inside. The problem is a lot of what's in my head right now is the ranting ravings of a lunatic who's becoming delusional. *sigh* I always thought that delusional people didn't know they were delusional. I was wrong.

It's 3 am and I'm wide awake. My days and nights are flipped again. I'm starting to think that They're keeping me awake. Messing with my sleep cycle. I'm thinking about calling my therapist and leaving her a message. I'm not sure why. I just feel the need to reach out to her. To tell her what my drive home was like.

Ok, I'm going to stop this entry now. I need to start some laundry.

What a horrible friend I turned out to be

I'm a horrible friend. Someone I know is in a lot of trouble and I can't even bring myself to offer any words of encouragement. I feel so awful. Like I've let him down.

I'm in a bad place right now and I don't have those words of encouragement because I'm thinking the same way he is. I want so bad to reach out to him, I know what he's going through. But I can't bring myself to do it. Why? I'm afraid that I'll just make it worse for him. Maybe he'll think that there really is no hope, because the last time I talked to him I was very up. And now I'm very down.

I know the swings are getting to him. They're getting to me too. I just feel so awful.

Damn winter!

Dammit!! I just watched the weather for my area and tomorrow's forecast is calling for a winter storm. I just don't believe my luck. Why is that winter storms keep hitting the day of or the day before I'm supposed to have an appointment??

Just watch. My CBT on tomorrow, and my individual and psychiatrist appointments on Thursday will all be cancelled. That's how my luck is.

And even if CBT isn't cancelled, I won't get to wear the outfit I picked out to wear. It'll just be too damn cold. I'm gonna have to modify it and it won't look anywhere NEAR as good.

Nothing to do

I'm so hyper right now! I've been this way since my friend called earlier this evening. It's been at least 6 hours that I've been way way up. I just want to dance all night long!

I wanna do more than dance, really, but there's no one to do anything with at 1:30 am. Everyone here is asleep. I'm thinking about going out. Not sure where, but anywhere's better than here. Maybe I'll go to the lake. Or cruise down where I know there's people all of the time.

There's gotta be something to do! We live in a 24/7 society and the night is still early yet! God, I just want to party and have fun all night long. It's been a looooong time since I've been this high and held it continuously for this long.

I've been drinking Blue Margaritas and they're so yummy. They make me want to have even more fun! I'm so bored here. I gotta find something better to do.

A flick of the switch

I was meditating today, trying to calm some of these chaotic feelings. I'm flipping so fast that it's all blurring together. I was doing pretty good at relaxing, and then my stepson started up his crap again.

I was scared. Then I started to shake and cry. Then I screamed as loud as I could.

A friend was sympathizing and worded it perfectly. He said, "It must be so hard knowing you're barely in control of yourself, the fear that must come when someone can just flick you like a switch... it has to be terrible." He's so right.

Now I'm all chaotic again. In the last half hour, I've gone between anxious, panicky, angry, depressed, sad, flirty, and now I'm hyper and playful and mischievous. And I'm feeling very sexual and primal again. Hypersexual.

My inhibitions are going again. Along with my impulse control and judgment.

Can a person's body just short out from emotional overload?? I'm constantly swinging, the moods aren't lasting longer than maybe 10 minutes at best, a few at worst. Then another swing.

I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. It's too much. I'm in overload.

Primal sensuality

I'm feeling very sensual and sexual tonight. I know that I'm manic, but currently the energy is low-key. I'm mainly wanting to prowl. I want to be with someone. I wanted to be with Hubby tonight, but it never happened.

I'm feeling very primal.

Needy

I need to talk to someone. I feel so alone, even though I'm surrounded by people.

I really don't know what I want to say.

I feel so needy and I hate that. :-(

Is it enough, I wonder?

I'm so tired of everything. I've spent over an hour now searching online for any information on how much is a fatal dose of the meds I have. I'm frustrated as all hell that I can't find any info that tells me anything!

I don't want it to not be enough. I want it done and over.

I'm feeling so very very impulsive right now. I'm sitting here looking at the bottles, all lined up in a neat, pretty row. Is it enough, I wonder? Am I brave enough this time?

I don't have to worry about my parents grieving for me. They're both dead now. The only one I have to worry about is Hubby. But as much as it will hurt him, it's like the surgeon's scalpel - it stings, even as it heals.

Attack of the killer tv

I was almost crushed by a 32 inch tv today. Ok, crushed may be exaggerating a bit, but it did fall on me. :-)

I was setting up a tv in our office today and needed to move it out a bit so I could see where to hook up the cables. Unfortunately, I moved it out a little too far and being front heavy because of the tube, it started to fall off the stand. One of my cats just happened to take off running under it right as it was falling, and as cats tend to do when scared, he froze directly under it.

All I could think was he could be seriously hurt or killed, so I threw my knee over the cat to block the fall of the tv and yelled at the top of my lungs for Hubby.

He came running fast. By then the cat had split, but there I was, supporting a HUGE tv with my knee and it was already starting to get very heavy. Hubby told me to just put the tv down. He didn't have to tell me that, I was already losing my grip. It fell to the floor right on top of our fax machine, which was temporarily on the floor.

Hubby kept asking if I was hurt and I kept asking about the cat. He said the cat was fine and I started shaking and crying. And my knee and wrist were starting to hurt like hell. I fell apart. I have no idea why. I guess because it scared the crap out of me. I was so scared I'd hurt the cat.

It took me a while to unruffle my feathers after that. The cat's still unruffling his feathers, lol. I think I'll be staying away from those killer tv's from now on. You never know when they're going to attack.

I'm back

Ok, it's been way too long since I've posted. I've been neglecting my poor blog. And, of course, anyone who reads this with any regularity.

So what's going on with me, you ask? Hmmm...

Well, I'm stuck at home because where I live got hit with about 3 inches of ice on Friday and I haven't actually been out of the house since Thursday evening. Yikes.

My stepson was driving me crazy with his "I gotta get out" cabin fever, and Hubby was stir-crazy as well. I'm not used to them being here all the time. My routine got broken and I got off kilter.

But they're both at work now, and I couldn't be happier. It's nice and quiet here. I probably won't venture out until tomorrow, though. That's when my CBT is. I don't want to miss any more therapy stuff. Missed too much because of holidays and weather.

I've been pretty frustrated with my individual therapist, though. I've only seen her once in the last 2 months. I'm scheduled to see her every week, but she keeps cancelling for stuff. She's there every week, except for the day I'm scheduled. I'm tempted to have her switch me to a different day so that I'll actually get in to see her one of these days. I see her so rarely, it's like I don't even have an individual therapist anymore.

I was finally going to see her last Friday after a month of not seeing her, but the ice that was supposed to not start until around 4pm started at about 10am. She called to tell me not to go out in the ice and said she'd see me Thursday. I got so frustrated. I know she was looking out for my well being, but I didn't care. I just needed to talk to her.

I think she sensed it, because she asked if I needed to talk on the phone. I really wanted to. Needed to. But unfortunately, Hubby and the stepson were in the room and even if I'd gone into the bedroom, they still would have heard. That won't work for me. I hesitated in my answer, finally saying no. She asked if I wanted to, but couldn't talk right then. I said yes. And that was the end of the call. She said she'd see me for sure on Thursday. I hope she's right.

Like I said, very frustrating.

I'll be doing my best to post more often. I didn't realize until last night how much I missed posting on this blog. It's the only place I can truly say anything. The only thing in my life that comes close to that is talking to my therapists. But I can't even tell them everything. Not the suicidal stuff. Otherwise they'd lock me up every other month. I can tell my friends on SF, but I fear driving them away. At least my therapists are paid to listen. They're not going anywhere if they want their money. :)

Happy New Year? Yeah, right...

I was so drunk tonight. You know, I don't normally drink. I rarely have more than 1 drink a year and that's usually on New Year's Eve. If I were to try to guess how many I had tonight, I'd say at least 10-15.

I was hoping the alcohol would loosen up my control so I could act easier on my desires. It would have worked, but I was never alone so that I could act. I didn't take Hubby staying up late into account. I don't know why.

For the first few hours I laughed a lot. Now I just feel hopeless. I was waiting for Hubby to go to bed so I could cut and take pills. But he stayed up late tonight. He only fell asleep about 10 minutes ago.

The alcohol is wearing off and now I'm just nauseous. I really don't think I want to pour alcohol on top of nausea right now. I'd end up throwing up for sure. Unfortunately, since it's wearing off, I'm too scared to act now. DAMN IT! I had it all planned! Hubby never stays up late enough to do more than kiss me at midnight on New Year's and he picked this year of all years to wait until 1:45am before going to bed.

Great. I'm gonna have the hangover from hell tomorrow and I didn't even get anything out of it. This just sucks.

I swear, if I thought it would work I'd take all my pills. I have more than enough to kill me. But I know it won't work, I'll just get sick as a dog, then I have to suffer through the guilt and shame of yet another failed attempt.

I don't know why I can't die. Ironic, isn't it? An extremely suicidal person who can't die. That's just fucked up.

I'm just going to go to bed, otherwise I'll start cutting and I don't want to explain that later to Hubby. My shrink doesn't really care much, I don't think, whether I cut or not. Hell, I think he's just tired of me being his patient. I don't blame him. I'd be tired of a patient like me, too.

I give up

I give up. There's no hope for me. There never will be because of this fucking bipolar. Unless and until they find a cure for it, I'm screwed. I'll never be able to start fresh. The bipolar will just continue to hunt me down and kill me. :(

A new me for 2007

I was reading a post on Suicide Forum and it rocked me to the core. It really got me thinking about where I wanted my life to go from here. A man who is wise beyond his 20 years said something that's elegantly simple, yet so many people never think of it. Or think they can't do it.

But you know, what I've learned in CBT is that you really do have control over how you think and feel. And his post spoke to me. The gist of it is using the New Year to start fresh. Figure out what you don't like about yourself and change it. I responded to his post (if you read down, I'm bipolarkitty).

I hope all of you will read his post and the responses. Some of the responders are able to see the possibility of change, but sadly others are in so much pain that they think either it won't work or it's too late for them. I hope that all of you who read it are able to see the possibility.

I, for one, am giving it a shot. I'm committed to making true and lasting change in my life.

I'll let you all know how it goes. :)

Only a question of when and how

My therapist confirmed that I'm having a mixed episode right now. Problem is, with the exception of August, I've been mixed since April of this year. That's 8 very long months of sheer agony. I've had enough.

I don't know why this is happening. I never had a mixed episode before this year. I was always either up or down or fine. But it seems my illness has taken a turn in how it manifests itself, and it's left me reeling.

I feel like I'm going backward. I used to be so good at knowing exactly how I felt. But now it's very hard to define how I feel. The lines between emotions are so blurry. I'm reduced to either I feel "good" or "bad". There's so much more underneath, I just can't form it into words. If I feel bad and I'm asked what does bad mean or what am I thinking about, all I can hear is screaming in my head. No thought, no reason - only screams of anger and pain and fear.

And here I thought I couldn't go any crazier.

My therapist asked me Thursday if I was going to be safe when I left his office. I didn't want to answer him because I knew what my answer was. It was no. But I was afraid if I told him that then he'd start to think that I was becoming too dangerous to myself. He pressed me for an answer and I resentfully said yes.

I guess what it boils down to is that this mix that I'm in is getting worse every day. The self-destructive feelings I've been having aren't going away, they're getting stronger. I dream about the things I want to do, which only serves to reinforce and strengthen the desire to act on them.

The other night I dreamed I had dozens of cuts on my lower leg (which is weird, considering the only place I usually cut is my left forearm). Anyway, there was blood everywhere and it wouldn't stop. I was blissfully happy in the dream about it and when I woke up I still felt that afterglow. I really REALLY wanted to make that dream a reality.

If these feelings don't subside, it's not a question of whether I'll act or not. It's only a question of when. And of what form it will take.

Morphed into the child again

I get so angry at myself when I morph into the needy, over-emotional, suicidal child. Yet I don't know how to stop it.

If I'm suicidal, it's almost always between 1-5 am. I can only think of a few times that I was seriously suicidal during the day. Those were when I wasn't sleeping at all and saw too many sunrises. All of my suicide attempts have happened in the middle of the night, when I'm most impulsive and have the least control.

I know this is a dangerous time for me. The obvious answer would be to not be awake during the middle of the night. The only problem is that I'm a major night owl.

Pretty messed up, isn't it?

I had a bad few hours tonight, but I'm coming out of it, thanks to two wonderfully supportive people who helped me through the worst of it. I'm going to bed before it hits again.

I lose myself each night

I wonder why it is that I can be rational, logical, and clear-headed in my thinking during the day, but at night I lose all reason and rationality.

The daytime whispers of the past telling me I'm no good and that nobody cares become loud and oppressive in my mind while the rest of the world sleeps. And my resistance to them becomes non-existant.

It's like I'm 2 different people. During the day I'm (for the most part) strong and smart and can think my way out of things. In the middle of the night I become some needy, whimpering child huddled in the corner begging for help, yet knowing I deserve none.

I pride myself on my ability to think and to reason. But when I become that child, all thought goes out the window and only emotion remains. Raw pain, desperation, and hopelessness. I forget everything I've learned over the years on how to cope with the pain. I feel weak and powerless in those hours. The next day I hate who I became the previous night. It's embarrassing and many times, after reading what I've said the night before, I'm ashamed.

This duality is driving me crazy and I don't know what to do about it or how to fix it. I feel like I lose who I am every night.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Living in hell

I'm so tired of this shit! This has been the worst month of my life and it's probably going to get much worse before it's over.

My step-son is being an asshole. He's acting like he's the only one who's having a bad month. His problems? He dumped his girlfriend and his truck is running badly. BIG FUCKING DEAL!!! My mom DIED, the IRS took ALL of our money and will continue to do so, and one of my cats is so sick we're probably going to have to put him to sleep. How does that even BEGIN to compare???

Tonight he was in a rage because he couldn't get a seat cover on the seat in his truck. WTF??? He threw something when my back was turned. It made a huge crash and scared the crap out of me. I lost it and told him if he was going to do shit like that, go to his room. Don't do it around me. He got even more pissed off and left the house. He's been gone for over 7 hours now and he's so FUCKING inconsiderate that he doesn't even CARE that we're worried about him. I bet he doesn't come home at all tonight. He's probably out getting high and drunk.

I've had it with him!!! He makes me so miserable I can't stand it! He's 18 now. He's an adult. If he wants to keep doing this shit, he can fucking go do it somewhere else!

It's hard enough trying to control my emotions without his melodramatic bullshit and rage of a temper day in and day out. My emotions flare up to match his ALL the time and it's EXHAUSTING. I'm so pissed off right now!

My control over my feelings and impulses is hanging on by a thread. All I can think about is wanting to just take one risperdal m-tab after another. Let them dissolve in my mouth and then I'll just slip away. I don't want to wake up in this hell anymore.