Happy New Year? Yeah, right...

I was so drunk tonight. You know, I don't normally drink. I rarely have more than 1 drink a year and that's usually on New Year's Eve. If I were to try to guess how many I had tonight, I'd say at least 10-15.

I was hoping the alcohol would loosen up my control so I could act easier on my desires. It would have worked, but I was never alone so that I could act. I didn't take Hubby staying up late into account. I don't know why.

For the first few hours I laughed a lot. Now I just feel hopeless. I was waiting for Hubby to go to bed so I could cut and take pills. But he stayed up late tonight. He only fell asleep about 10 minutes ago.

The alcohol is wearing off and now I'm just nauseous. I really don't think I want to pour alcohol on top of nausea right now. I'd end up throwing up for sure. Unfortunately, since it's wearing off, I'm too scared to act now. DAMN IT! I had it all planned! Hubby never stays up late enough to do more than kiss me at midnight on New Year's and he picked this year of all years to wait until 1:45am before going to bed.

Great. I'm gonna have the hangover from hell tomorrow and I didn't even get anything out of it. This just sucks.

I swear, if I thought it would work I'd take all my pills. I have more than enough to kill me. But I know it won't work, I'll just get sick as a dog, then I have to suffer through the guilt and shame of yet another failed attempt.

I don't know why I can't die. Ironic, isn't it? An extremely suicidal person who can't die. That's just fucked up.

I'm just going to go to bed, otherwise I'll start cutting and I don't want to explain that later to Hubby. My shrink doesn't really care much, I don't think, whether I cut or not. Hell, I think he's just tired of me being his patient. I don't blame him. I'd be tired of a patient like me, too.