The Tree

I met with my group therapist since my individual one isn't available right now and she asked me something no one had ever asked before. She asked if anyone has ever been able to completely convince me that my hallucinations and delusions aren't real. If there's always a little part of me that still believes them.

I'd never thought of it, but she's right. No one's ever been able to convince me 100% that it isn't real. And if I'm completely honest, it's always there in the back of my mind. It's only every so often that it flares up into full blown psychotic symptoms, but it's never completely gone either.

So I think I figured out why I don't want to leave my house. It's because they cut that damn tree down.

You'd think I'd be dancing for joy, but noooooo not me. Even though I hated that tree, now that it's gone I feel a sense of panic gnawing away under the surface. Now I don't know where They are. They could be anywhere. It's so freaking terrifying, not knowing where They are.

I can't remember if I've ever talked about "Them" in this blog. I'll have to go back and see. But the cliff notes version is there are 2 men that watch me when I get all psychotic-y. No one else can see them, but I can. And even when I can't, I can sense their presence. Anyways, They always hid behind that tree.

Listen to me... I sound like a lunatic. I know it's not real. They're not real. But yet I know They are. I know it is.

By the way, if you're wondering why I capitalize when I refer to Them, it's to differentiate from the usual they or them when I talk. And if I find that I've never explained this, I'll tell you all the very entertaining bedtime story that is my psychosis. It's a thrilling tale of mystery, intrigue, with a dash of sci-fi thrown in for good measure.

I can joke about it, laugh it off, and when I see the words I know how ridiculous it all sounds... but it's no less real to me. That's the scary part. You know, if I heard someone else say what's going on in my head, I'd most likely roll my eyes while thinking 'riiiiight, sure it's true'. Does that make me a hypocrite? Yeah, I think it does.

Ok, I'm going to bed now. If I keep thinking about this tonight, it's going to turn into more than whisperings in the back of my mind. It'll be full blown paranoia and delusions. I'm afraid it may already be heading in that direction.