Being kicked when I'm already down

a - 58
d - 85
e - 83

I've spent the last 2 sessions with my therapist in tears the entire time.

I told her how I'm being told that I'll be struggling with bipolar for the rest of my life, that this is probably what it will be like for the rest of my life. And medicine doesn't seem to work well for me. She understood how I see things: why should I have hope? I'm being told not to have any and that nothing will be able to help me. That I'll just have to learn to live with it and make whatever kind of life I can with what I've got to work with.

How can one keep their faith in the face of this?

She understands that I'm in danger of losing mine. I was already crying when I told her all of this, but when she convinced me she understood, I cried even harder. I'm so miserable. I feel like if only I tried harder, I wouldn't feel so bad. But I just don't have the energy to always fight these thoughts and feelings.

I'm finding it impossible for me to accept that this is all I have to look forward to. If this is all there is, what kind of life could I possibly have? A miserable one, that's what.

I think one has to hold onto their hope and faith that things will get better. If not, one might just give up altogether and would rather not live than continue this way for another 50 years or more.

I get suicidal when I'm depressed. I'm depressed right now. And now I'm being told to give up my so-called "false hope" that things will get better. Funny, but it doesn't seem to me to be the right thing to say to someone who's hanging on by their fingertips at times. Even if it weren't going to kill my hope, at the very least it's SO not comforting. It's the same as telling a child who's feeling bad that they'll never feel any better.

Probably the worst part of this illness is that it gives you glimpses of what your life would be like if you didn't have it. I had one such glimpse a couple of months ago. All that does is make this harder. Knowing that it could be better, but it will never stay that way. That the pain will always come back, no matter what you do. That's just torturing someone who's already suffering greatly. Kicking them when they're down.