Nightmares

I've been having a run of nightmares. 5 or 6 nights a week I wake up from a nightmare. Some nights I've even had 2 or 3 the same night. Sometimes they're continuations, sometimes they're entirely new ones.

They all involve me either being attacked or chased, or loved ones being killed or coming to me and telling me they're dead.

They're very disturbing and terrifying and very realistic. So realistic, in fact, that I'm disoriented for several minutes after I wake up, not sure if I'm really awake or not. I've even gone so far as to call my mom to make sure she was actually ok after I dreamed she came to me and told me she was dead. Another night I made sure Hubby was still alive and breathing after I dreamed he was killed protecting me.

They're making me not want to go to sleep for fear of another nightmare. This has been going on for a couple of weeks now. I meant to tell my therapist, but I was focused on my problems with Hubby and forgot to bring it up.

I'm exhausted. All I want to do is go to bed and fall into a deep dreamless sleep. Hopefully I will tonight.

Lost connection

I'm a horrible wife. I feel so sad, but the word sad doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling inside.

This is very hard for me to talk about, but since it's anonymous and online maybe that will make it a little easier for me.

I have a very hard time with sex when I'm not manic. I'm a sexual abuse survivor and for most of my life sex has been a very difficult subject for me. Now that's translated into my marriage and I'm afraid I've done a lot of damage to it.

For years I've shot down Hubby's ideas, wants, and needs and now he's given up. He says he's trained himself to not even try anymore. I felt so horrible when he told me that tonight. I never stopped to think about what I was doing to him, only what I wanted. That's not a marriage. It was all one sided - me.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I deserve the end result of all those years of saying no. Why should I expect him to keep trying?

I want to fix the damage I've done, but I don't know how or even where to start. We haven't had sex in 3 months, maybe longer. Neither of us can remember the last time. I'm so disconnected from him. I feel like there's this invisible wall between us and I don't know how to break it down and he's too beaten down to try. I don't know what to do.

I'm so lonely. You never think about how important human contact and sexuality are until they're gone. I feel that deprivation deep inside and it hurts so much. I need to find that connection with him again, otherwise I feel like I'll wilt away.

I feel so alone in a house full of people. No connection. I'm afraid I'll lose him if I can't fix this. I've already lost a part of him and I don't know how and if I can get him back.

Jealousy and guilt

It's my stepson's 18th birthday today and instead of me being happy and in a celebratory mood, I'm feeling petty and jealous. I keep thinking back to my birthday that was pretty much overlooked. I'm trying not to, but it's hard. I felt cheated out of my birthday and it's hard to see someone else have a great one. Talk about childish and immature.

I'm not supposed to feel this way. Only a mean person would feel this way and I don't want to be a mean person. I'm usually go out of my way to be nice, but my stepson can really bring the mean out in me. I don't like that about me at all. I hate that I let him have that kind of power over my emotions.

I only let out a small percentage of what I'm feeling, though, when I'm pissed off at him. I work really hard at hiding the rest and I think I do a decent job. If I didn't, it would be constant world war 3 in my house and Hubby would stay perpetually upset with me. That's how often I get pissed at my stepson.

I feel really bad, really guilty that I feel this way, but it's the truth. Does that make me a horrible person? I'm afraid that it does.

I have a 15 year history with him that has been nothing but rivalry all this time. We've always been locked in a battle for Hubby's attention/affection/whatever you want to pick. Hubby made it perfectly clear when we met that he would choose his son over me. Now he says things are different.

I don't know where I stand. Even after all these years, I still feel like my stepson comes first. That he's more important to Hubby than I am, and that if push came to shove I'd be the one pushed out the door while he got to stay.

Yearning for stability

I'm very sad. Today was hard, it being Father's Day. My dad died last July and I missed him a lot today.

I can't put much of what I'm feeling into words right now. I just want to curl up on my bed and cry, but the tears won't come. I can sense them, but they're locked up and I don't know how to unlock them.

That's been happening a lot lately. Me not being able to identify and express how I'm feeling. It's peculiar (not to mention frustrating as all hell) to be feeling something almost overpowering in intensity but not be able to tell what it is, to put a name to it. I've never had this problem before that I can remember.

Also, I've been having weird dreams, and several nightmares as well. Last night was the worst. I dreamed that Hubby was killed while trying to rescue me from an attack. I woke up sitting straight up in bed on the verge of screaming. It was so realistic. I had to take an anti-anxiety med to be able to get back to sleep.

I'm so tired of all this confusion and pain. I yearn for stability, but fear I'll never find it.

A dilemma of origin

It's been a crazy few days since I last posted. Truly a ride on the bipolar roller coaster.

The worst of it was when I was in a panic over something created solely in my mind. That morning I was freaking out and my shrink had to give me the mental equivalent of a slap to get me to snap out of it. Even though my first reaction to what he said was defensiveness, after a while I began to see the truth in his words and I was able to regain control over myself.

Since then I've been in control. No more crises, real or imagined.

I do, however, have a dilemma. I thought I had finally made the no-suicide decision that my shrink has been wanting me to make, but now it seems I may not have after all. He said if it's based on feelings then it will only last as long as the feelings do, but if it's a choice made by my head then it's a permanent decision.

My problem is that I can't tell whether it was my heart or my head that made the decision. I simply cannot tell where it's coming from. I think it's my head, but there's feelings there too.

I've been ruled by my emotions instead of my head for pretty much my whole life. I'm only now starting to learn how to not do that. Honestly, I don't know how to make a decision not based on emotion. I even have trouble differentiating between my heart and my head. A lot of the time I have no idea where a motivation is coming from.

Another issue complicating matters further is that I don't trust myself. That doesn't help when I'm trying to pinpoint the origin of the decision. Whatever I think, I question myself.

I was hoping that putting all of this in a post would help me work it out, but I'm no closer to an answer than I was this afternoon. It's definitely frustrating. I thought I had taken a huge step in my therapy today. Well, it looks like that step will take a little longer. Hopefully not too long, though.

Dance of the fireflies

Here I am at 12:30am and I'm still wide awake. Hubby pointed out tonight that I'm not on my schedule at all anymore. He sees that I'm having problems again.

I did get some peace tonight. I sat outside between 10 and 11pm listening to my fountain and soft classical music. I also got a special treat. There were fireflies in our yard tonight. We don't get them much in our yard, usually only in the fields near where we live. So that was a treat. I love them. They're so beautiful.

Falling into the hole again

I'm tired of this instability. I feel myself falling back into the fucking hole and I'm clawing at the earth with my hands trying to grab hold of anything I can find to pull me out, or at the very least stop my descent. My descent into madness. Ok, so that's a little melodramatic. Call it poetic license.

My shrink said the last several months my bipolar has been very mixed and disorganized, and that because of that there's no way he can predict what it's going to do next. Well, he's definitely right. It has been extremely mixed and disorganized. And I can't predict what it will do either, and I've been living with it for over half my life. Why should I expect him to be able to do it?

It's never been this bad for this long before. Also, I've always gotten a respite from it after a bad episode. At least until this time. Unless this has all been just one really fucking long episode. But I've never had a mixed episode last anywhere near this long. Maybe a couple of weeks. But months? Never this long.

Another thing is the rapidity with which the moods are changing. Granted, I've been a rapid cycler for years now, but never like this. When I'm mixed they're cycling so fast they're almost in tandem - mania and depression on top of each other. Not a good mix, let me tell you.

I just don't know what's wrong with me. Why is this happening to me? I need answers and I'm afraid that no one has them. And I need some relief. A week is not enough. I need more than that. I need time to be able to breathe again.

And the schedule crumbles

Well my schedule has been blown to hell. I did get up at 7 something, but as soon as I ate a bowl of cereal, I went back to bed and slept till after 1pm. No morning sunlight, no morning ritual, I even forgot my morning meds. It's too late to take them now. I just have to skip them and go to my next dose.

I haven't had lunch, only a sandwich that I finished eating about 5 minutes ago because I was starving. I only started supper cooking about 10 minutes ago, and it'll take 2 hours at least. I'll be surprised if we eat before 9pm. I probably won't get my meds taken until 10pm or so.

I highly doubt I'll be able to fall asleep at 11 tonight. Not even 12. I just won't be sleepy. Not with me sleeping so late in the day.

I feel off. Pretty much awful. What's wrong with me? Why can't I maintain a good healthy schedule for myself? I couldn't even make it a week. How do I get back on it? I guess I could drug myself silly to sleep like they did in the hospital, but then I'd be suffering the aftereffects the next day. That was not fun.

My doctor gave me a prescription to help me sleep if I need it - the same stuff they gave me in the hospital. Looks like I need to fill it. Because even though I'm not actually having problems sleeping yet, it's only a matter of time, given the way I'm starting to feel.

I really HATE this!! Can't I get a freakin day off around here?!

An undercurrent of not so good

I feel off. I have for a couple of days now. I don't know what it is with me. I'm happy, for the most part, it's just that there's this undercurrent of something. Something I can't even begin to define, but which feels not so good.

I don't want to go back to that place again. Not so soon. I've only been feeling better a little over a week. I'm not ready to drop back into the hole yet.

I'm tired. I think I'm going to take my meds and go back to bed for a while. Maybe this is all caused by fatigue.

Dead tired

Last night was the first night that I tried a bedtime ritual. It worked pretty good, actually.

I started with a relaxing shower, then put on a face masque, moisturized my skin, did a skin treatment for my hands, and went to bed by 11pm. I fell right asleep.

I'm sure it didn't hurt that I was dead tired. Hubby said I fell asleep before he did. Usually it's the other way around.

I'm still struggling with mornings, though. I'm getting up, but staying awake even a couple of hours later is so hard. I keep nodding off and what little energy I get from the sun wears off within 30 minutes. I just can't seem to stay awake. It's almost 1pm and I could so take a nap right now!

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Maybe not enough sleep at night? Maybe my meds amplify the tiredness. I'll have to talk to my doctor, I guess.

Looking for ideas

It's been really hard maintaining this new schedule. I haven't mastered going to bed at an early time yet. I've been doing good in the morning, though. Getting up early - by 7:30am every day so far. I think I'll adjust my schedule a bit. Let's see it works.

Get up 7:30am
Breakfast 8am
Morning Meds 9am
Lunch 12pm
Dinner 5pm
Evening Meds 8:30pm
Go to bed 11pm

I've been going out in the morning and getting a big dose of morning sunlight, trying to reset my internal clock. I feel a jolt every morning after doing it. It's like morning coffee, actually. Maybe it's the Goddess and the God welcoming me and telling me good morning.

I'm working on constructing morning and evening rituals to help me get up and go to bed. As you can see, I've got part of the morning one done. Now I just need a evening one. Too bad I don't have a tub anymore. I'd work that in easily. If anyone has any ideas that I could use, please don't hesitate to post them in a comment. I sure would appreciate it. :-)

Another thing I'm working on is a book of things to remember about my bipolar. Things to help, basically all the stuff I know when things are good but forget when things are bad. It's in the planning stages right now, however. Any ideas for that would be appreciated as well. :-)

I'm feeling pretty good. Isn't it amazing what sleep and structure do for you?

Discharged from the psych ward

I know I haven't posted for quite some time. For those who may have been worried about me, my apologies. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital last Tuesday and was discharged this afternoon.

I feel better after having been in there, but I have mixed emotions about the way it was all handled. I'd made the decision that I was going to go inpatient. I'd planned on going in on last Wednesday around 2pm or so. Things didn't work out that way.

My shrink emailed me saying he wanted me to call him at home that night (Tuesday) and tell him that I was going inpatient voluntarily or he would start the EOD process. (For those not familiar, EOD stands for Emergency Order of Detention and is the last thing you want if you're a psych patient - it gets the courts involved.) So I called him at home and said I'd go voluntary. He talked to Hubby and I was whisked away to the hospital that very hour.

I then spent 1 very long boring week in there.

I thought they were going to adjust my meds, but nope. Not one iota of adjusting happened. They did, however, straighten out my sleep cycle. That's the only thing I can account for why I feel better. Now the trick is to see how long the change lasts. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that the sailing stays smooth.

I know that it's up to me to make it last, but you know the old saying 'old habits die hard'. Well, it's easy to go to sleep when you're bored to tears in an unfamiliar hospital ward that shuts off the lights and makes you go to bed by 10pm. It's much harder when you're back at home in familiar surroundings and old routines with plenty to do and no one's shutting off the lights and making you go to bed but you.

There is one thing that is worse since I went in. I'm seeing things. Much more than I did before. I'm seeing bugs out of the corner of my eye and I'm feeling them crawling on my skin. It seems to happen in tandem. First I see them, then I feel them. Part of me knows they're not there, but part of me has to ask to make sure. I don't trust myself about them at all. I don't trust that I'm seeing them, yet I don't trust that I'm not seeing them. Does that make any sense at all?

I didn't tell any of the staff, though. I didn't want it jeopardizing my discharge. Since it's not putting me or anyone else in harm's way, then they can't keep me because of it. I know this. Yet I was still afraid they'd find a way to keep me hospitalized because of it. If I was still in danger, then yes, I would need to stay. But seeing bugs? No, that's simply annoying. Don't worry, I'll tell my shrink about it on Wednesday, if not him then my therapist and doctor on Thursday. I see all 3 this week.

I did find out that seeing walls and other things breathe is more common than I could have ever thought. Funny what you learn in there from the other patients, isn't it? You definitely find out you're not as unusual as you thought you were.

When I was discharged, I was so happy to be going home. But I'll tell you, when I walked through that door and they shut it behind me and all that was around me was open, it was very strange. No fences, no staff supervising me. Just me and Hubby and the world. I was free to do whatever I wanted, go wherever I wanted, and I didn't have to ask. It's amazing how quickly the human animal can acclimatize and adapt to a new environment. We may not always like the environment, but we get used to it very quickly.

What I need to do now is to integrate parts of my old environment with parts of the new one I experienced this past week. To that end, I have a new schedule now:
Get up 7am
Breakfast 7:30am
Meds 8:30am
Lunch 12pm
Dinner 5pm
Meds 8:30pm
Go to Bed 11pm

I know, I didn't make the bedtime, lol. It's a work in progress. :-)