The Brewing Storm

You know how tornadoes can be really strong then start to slow down and weaken, only to have it build in intensity and strength again? Well that's this mixed episode I'm in. The intensity and strength are building again. When will this mixed episode end?? Every time I think it's over, a day or two later I'm in the throes of it once again. I'm beginning to think it won't ever let me go.

It's my fault. I'm the one who put me in this maelstrom of emotions. My doctor warned me that if I increased the dosage of my antidepressant this could happen. He said if it did happen, the lithium may not be able to pull me back. Well, it looks like he was right after all. Because the lithium definitely hasn't pulled me back.

The doctor has had to lower my lithium because I'm shaking like an addict who's gone too long without her fix. Lowering the dose worries me a lot. If it can't pull me back at my current dose, how on earth can it on a lower one? Answer: it can't.

It's gotten really bad. The sea of emotions is so choppy that I can't identify any of them unless they're so strong they're screaming at me. And my mind is gone. I can't remember anything. I have to read things over and over like 10 times each, sometimes having to repeat the process 3 or 4 times just to have a hope of retaining what I've read. If I just read it once, it's like I never read it. It's gone as soon as I'm done reading the words. That makes me so mad!

This disease is slowly taking me apart piece by piece. Soon there'll be nothing left of me. I'm scared.