Visit

My brother is coming to visit! Yay!

Losing it completely

In the middle of January I remembered I was raped in June of 1997.

In the middle of February I lost my father in law. He passed away on 2-20-2009 at 5:45pm.

In the middle of February I remembered I was raped by more than 1 man. There were 2 and it was brutal and all done at knife point.

I need to go to the hospital because I'm not safe. I have tons of insulin here. I could overdose. I could slit my wrists. I could step in front of a moving car or bus.

I'm. not. safe.

But I can't go to the hospital. I have too much I need to do. Too many people depend on me. I'm coming apart at the seams. I can feel it.

I think I'm gonna go have a drink.

Coping the wrong way

I can't believe I did this again. I haven't cut for so very long and here I went and did it again. I know it's a bad coping skill, so why did I do it? The only thing I can think of is I'm working through something very traumatic.

In 1997 I was sexually assaulted by a stranger at knife point. I never talked about it. Never dealt with it in therapy. Never even brought it up. It was barely even a footnote in my history. My therapist and abuse survivors group at the time never talked about it. They never asked how I was. Never once. I took that to mean that it must not be important. That it was no big deal. That I wasn't worth worrying about. Not important enough.

Back then, I cut a lot. I was working through childhood sexual abuse issues. In the years since then I've learned much better coping skills than cutting on myself.

I'm really not looking forward to facing my therapist and psychiatrist with my arm like this. And I'm really really hoping that I can keep it concealed from my husband until it's all healed and he'll never have to know about it. I know he'd be very upset with me if he found out.

Geez, it's 2:30 am. I need to go to bed and try to get some sleep.

A Deep Ache

I'm feeling very lonely right now. It aches deep inside. The downward spiral is starting again, I'm afraid. It's not a constant thing. There are times during the day that I can distract myself with things I'm interested in and enjoy those things. But in all the holes of time in between... it's getting uncomfortable.

I'm having a very hard time sleeping. I took my sleeping pill and an anti-anxiety med at 2:30 am and I was awake at 6:45 am. That shouldn't have happened. I should still be sound asleep. I'm so very tired. I'm getting desperate for good sleep.

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it? I feel a sense of guilt over not posting regularly, but I'm trying not to let it get to me too much. 

Many things have changed in my life in the past month and a half. First, my hubby and I both quit smoking. Yaaay! Surprisingly it hasn't been that difficult. I guess I was really ready to quit this time. I haven't even scratched anyone's eyes out, lol.

We've changed our eating to reflect more whole grains, fresh vegetables and fruits, much less pre-processed, pre-packaged foods. We're going the organic natural route. So far so good. Surprise surprise, healthy foods can be tasty too! :)

We've both also started being much more active. I walk at least 30 minutes a day, bebopping to my mp3 player, oblivious to the outside world. We both do a bit of weight training for sculpting. 

Not much else to report right now. As far as the bipolar front, I've been doing very well for like 3 months (a first for me, I know), but I'm starting to destabilize a bit. Trouble sleeping, more moodiness, stuff like that. The "crying thing".

My OCD is kicking in high gear too. I swear it's related to the bipolar. So I'm in organizational high gear these last few days.

I've had a few moments of suicidal ideation, but nothing serious. Just thoughts flitting through my brain. 

Well, that's all for now. I'm going to try to be more active on the blog again. 

Off-bubble

I think my psychiatrist may be close to admitting me to the hospital again. This time it'd be because I can't freakin sleep. That and I'm manic as hell. :)

I'm really not looking forward to that if it's what comes to pass. That would be 3 times in the last 3 months. My pattern has always been about once every 2 years. This is getting ridiculous. February, March, and now April?

I wonder if I could fight it? I wonder if it'd be a 'voluntary only because I agree' admission or a truly voluntary one that is only if I want it. I wonder if there's any more he can do for me outpatient?

I get the sense that he's nearing the end of his repertoire. I hope not. I don't want to go inpatient again. I guess on the bright side, the doc at the hospital would finally realize that I'm not schizophrenic. LOL

The last two visits, she diagnosed me as schizophrenic, chronic paranoid type. I tried to tell them that I'm not schizophrenic, I'm bipolar with psychotic features. But it didn't get changed. My therapist likes to say that if I get a hair off-bubble from the middle that that's when I get psychotic. She's right. But I'm not psychotic now. Just manic.

I feel like I want to keep typing, but nothing else is coming up in my head, so I'm going to end this post and see what other trouble I can get into for the night. ;)

Sleep departs again

The mania started because I couldn't sleep, which really sucks because I had awesome sleeping habits at the time. I was actually going to bed by midnight and getting up by 8 am. I was falling right asleep and sleeping all the way through the night without waking up. But now...

It's so hard to fall asleep. I'm lucky if I get to sleep by 3 am. It's usually more like 4 am. I'm up by 7:30 to 8 in the morning. And to top it all off, I keep waking up. So basically I'm getting 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night, not counting all the times in between where I wake up.

Mania visits again

I'm manic again. I'm not sleeping, very sensual, and am full of risky behaviors. Spending, drinking, driving all Nascar-like, dressing more sexy than normal, sex sex sex... ;)

I'm so full of ideas, yet I can't concentrate well enough to do any of them. It's so frustrating. I'm infused to the core with creativity, yet I can't communicate it. I found a description of mania last night on the web and it fits perfectly. I wish I could take credit for it, but I can't. The author definitely knows how to play with words to convey mania perfectly, though.

At first when I'm high, it's tremendous. Ideas are fast... like shooting stars you follow until brighter ones appear. All shyness disappears, the right words and gestures are suddenly there. Uninteresting people and things become intensely interesting. Sensuality is pervasive, the desire to seduce and be seduced is irresistible. Your marrow is infused with unbelievable feelings of ease, power, well-being, omnipotence, euphoria... you can do anything... but somewhere this changes. The fast ideas start coming too fast and there are far too many. Overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. You stop keeping up with it. Memory goes. Infectious humor ceases to amuse. Your friends become frightened. Everything is now against the grain. You are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and trapped.

Unsure of what to do

I'm in a bit of a quandary. I recently opened up quite a bit with my therapist and doctor about my hallucinations and delusions. I must admit, it's very refreshing to be able to be so open and free when I'm with them now. I don't feel like I have to hide things for fear of their reaction. Except for now.

When I first opened the floodgates and let everything out, I did so in a letter to each of them. It was very long and detailed. I spilled everything that's been going on in my head for these past few years. Neither of them knew how extensive it all was. They admitted surprise at the scope of it. Unfortunately, I also ended up being hospitalized for my psychosis because I was convinced that my meds were poisoned and I wouldn't take them. Hence, the hospital stay to get me back on them.

The problem is that at the time I was discharged, I was sick and nauseous. I couldn't take my meds regularly. Often I would throw them right back up. Obviously they lost their hold on me quickly and I'm more lost than ever.

I want to tell them what I know. What I'm thinking. But I can't risk being hospitalized again right now. I have an important medical test coming up in 5 days and I really don't want to have to reschedule it. It was even scheduled so that the doctor doing it would still remember my case. He did the first part with unusual results, so this is the continuation of that test. When he rescheduled, he told me he wanted to see me quickly enough that he wouldn't forget what was going on. So you can see why I don't want to reschedule.

When I was in the hospital last month, it was for 6 days. I imagine that a return trip would last at least as long, if not longer. That's if I cooperate and play along with them. That's how I got out last time. I played the game. If I go in again, I don't want to play this time. I don't want to just say what they want to hear. I want to be true to my beliefs and convictions. I want them to see that I know what's really going on and that I truly understand the nature of my reality.

Meds can't change the fact of my situation. All they can do is make me forget for a while. And I don't know if I want to forget. It would mean living a lie. I don't want to live in ignorance of what's going on around me. Now if they could only figure out how to get me out of here, that would be great. I'd swallow that pill in a heartbeat! I want out of this nightmare that everyone calls reality. If only they really knew what was going on.

I don't know what to do.