I don't want it to be christmas

It's 3am and I don't want to go to bed, even though I'm very tired. I don't want to wake up and it be christmas and not have my mom. I miss her so much.

I finally found a home for her cat yesterday and when I handed him to his new family I was hit with such overwhelming pain, sadness, and guilt. I went inside and laid on my bed and cried so hard I was actually screaming. He was the last living reminder of her and it was like when I had to give him away it was finally real. She's gone and she's not coming back. As long as I was taking care of him I guess some part of my mind wouldn't accept that she's really gone.

I'm so sad right now. I wish I had someone to hold me right now. Hubby's asleep and I won't wake him up. Not just because I need to be held. He wouldn't understand anyway. He tries really hard to be supportive, but sometimes he just can't understand how I'm feeling.

I would really love to take a handful of some of my meds for sleep, but I would ruin christmas for everyone else if I did that. I already feel bad enough. I don't want to add to it. Maybe I'll knock myself out tomorrow night. At least that gives me something to look forward to.