The universe is out to get me

I know, except for the jingle it's been ages since I've posted. Sorry bout that.

Where to start...

The last 2 weeks have been a kind of hell on earth. My mom got very sick and has been in the hospital for 2 weeks now. And when she gets out, she'll have to either move in with my brother or go to a nursing home, since she'll need 24/7 care for the rest of her life. My therapists and doctor have all made it perfectly clear that I can't be her caretaker. It would put her in jeopardy because I wouldn't be able to handle it. I'd be suicidal within a week or two. Hell, I already am. I feel like I've let her down in the worst way possible.

During all this, one of my cats almost died and continues to be very sick. My step-son continues his usual crap. Hubby is getting tired of eating take-out and wanting me to resume my normal work around the house. It's too much all at once!

My CBT scores for the past 2 weeks have been through the roof:
anxiety 99
depression 100
emotional dysfunction 100

My stress level is excruciatingly high and for the foreseeable future, it's not likely to go down. I don't know how much longer I can keep going. My meds aren't controlling my moods at all. I'm starting to have psychotic symptoms (I swear I saw a pecan pie breathing) and I'm scared to tell anyone for fear they'll up my anti-psychotic. I wouldn't be able to function at all if they did that. I have to be able to be there for my mom. And if the hospital needs consent, she can't give it. It has to be me. If I'm doped up on risperdal to where I can't stay conscious, how am I supposed to be able to give consent?

And as if the crushing suicidal depression wasn't enough, now I'm shifting into a mixed state. I'm having a lot of manic symptoms, yet I'm so depressed all I can think about is stopping the pain. I even started cutting again. Oh how I missed that blessed relief.

I know I should try to sleep. I have an appointment with my therapist at 9am. I really need to see her since I haven't seen her in 3 weeks due to various crap getting in the way. But unfortunately, a freakish winter storm started that's likely to shut down everything. I bet I won't be able to see her tomorrow.

I swear the universe is out to get me.