Lost connection

I'm a horrible wife. I feel so sad, but the word sad doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling inside.

This is very hard for me to talk about, but since it's anonymous and online maybe that will make it a little easier for me.

I have a very hard time with sex when I'm not manic. I'm a sexual abuse survivor and for most of my life sex has been a very difficult subject for me. Now that's translated into my marriage and I'm afraid I've done a lot of damage to it.

For years I've shot down Hubby's ideas, wants, and needs and now he's given up. He says he's trained himself to not even try anymore. I felt so horrible when he told me that tonight. I never stopped to think about what I was doing to him, only what I wanted. That's not a marriage. It was all one sided - me.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I deserve the end result of all those years of saying no. Why should I expect him to keep trying?

I want to fix the damage I've done, but I don't know how or even where to start. We haven't had sex in 3 months, maybe longer. Neither of us can remember the last time. I'm so disconnected from him. I feel like there's this invisible wall between us and I don't know how to break it down and he's too beaten down to try. I don't know what to do.

I'm so lonely. You never think about how important human contact and sexuality are until they're gone. I feel that deprivation deep inside and it hurts so much. I need to find that connection with him again, otherwise I feel like I'll wilt away.

I feel so alone in a house full of people. No connection. I'm afraid I'll lose him if I can't fix this. I've already lost a part of him and I don't know how and if I can get him back.