Today was a very hard day. I'm faced with a serious decision about choosing life and I'm stuck until I make that decision. I can't do much work on the really important life-changing things until I decide that no matter what I'm going to choose life and all that comes with it. Until then, I'm mostly stuck working on the superficial stuff that I've worked on for the last freaking 18 years. I can't keep doing that. I just can't.
I'm having such a hard time making the decision, even though it's a very simple one. Choose life no matter what or choose death. I just can't seem to let go, however. Suicide has been an option for me off and on (mostly on) since I was 16. This may sound weird, but it's kind of like a security blanket. I always have an option. An out, if things get too bad. In its own way, I think it has helped me through a lot of hard times. Just knowing there was another option for me allowed me not to take it. How will I react to not having that option anymore? Just the thought of losing it terrifies me. I really sound like a crazy person now.
In an earlier post I wrote about having trouble asking for help. I experienced that today. During lunch I was so miserable all I could think about was ending the pain. I didn't have access to any means, which was good because I was feeling very impulsive. I knew I wasn't safe. I kept hoping it would pass. Luckily it did.
I'm no longer in danger, but I'm still in a lot of pain. I don't know whether I should tell my shrink about it or not. I know he wants to know if I'm in danger. He didn't say anything about telling him if I was, but am not now. I was too scared to ask for help or to tell anyone. Too scared of the consequences, of calling attention to myself, even that I was blowing things out of proportion. I'm pathetic.
I'm running out of strength. Something's going to have to change. I can't go on like this much longer.
I have such a strong and urgent need to get away. When asked what I wanted to get away from, my reply was "everything". I feel trapped. I'm suffocating.
I'm not getting much sleep again. I feel like I'm losing my connection to other people. Even hubby. I'm trying desperately to reach out and grab hold of him, but as soon as I let go the feeling of connection is gone. That makes me very sad.
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4 comments:
When I first came across your blog, I was excited to see such an honest and sincere post about someone with a disorder that may try to use this great appendage of speech that is the internet to help themselves or others.
I'm just an average guy, but I have always had a knack for helping others in tight situations such as yours. In fact, I have been in that dark place a few times.
There is alot that I do not know about you, but much of what I guess comes from what I have read.
It seems to me, in my feeble attempt to presume, that you have issues with walls. Not so much that they exist, but more that you create them. You are very aware of this, but it happens none the less.
When you state that you want to get away from everything...you're not going through that one door that you've not tried. You've not tried that door because you closed it as soon as you saw it as an option. Options are never as scarce as what you think. If you spent as much time creating options as you do creating walls......Imagine the possibilities!
You can completely reject or sound confused at what I am saying, and I'll accept that. But part of you will hear me.
You're right that I create many of the walls I run into. I'm definitely aware of it, and hope one day not to do it anymore. I'm working on that.
You keep talking about a door I haven't tried, yet you never say what option you're referring to. This is the part I'm confused about. What option haven't I tried? I must say, my curiosity is piqued.
On a side note, you're very eloquent. I enjoy things that are well written. Unfortunately these days, it's becoming a lost art.
You're right sage. My choice will affect everyone around me and I'm keeping that in my mind. That is enough for me for now to stay safe.
I'd never heard anyone else describe suicide as a "security blanket" like that, I felt strange and alone for thinking so. Reading your blog is like reading my own thoughts. It's almost scary.
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