The torment resumes

It's coming back. All of the emotional torment. I can feel it stirring in the back of my brain. This afternoon I sat outside on the porch rather than go inside because I knew there was going to be a huge argument with lots of yelling. Yelling scares me. A lot. So I took my shrink's advice and I took myself out of the situation. Well, that's what I've been telling myself. In actuality, I was cowering in fear on the porch because I was simply too afraid to go inside.

That miraculous phenomenon of mental pain going away when physical pain exists isn't so miraculous when it ends. It just leaves you wanting more of it. So I'm left with a major urge to cut to bring back the pain and send the emotions into the void where I won't have to feel them for a while. Oh I still hurt from the biopsy, but it's fading to a dull ache, which leaves my mind free to pick up where it left off.

It was so nice to have a break from them. To not have to feel all of the torment, anguish, struggle and duality, the pain. I know I use those words a lot, and I don't feel they really capture or describe what I feel, but they're all I can come up with at the moment.

I want to run away. I want to stop being me. I want to have a life that's not filled with all of the above. I know I can't have any of that, and I know that's part of what's tearing me apart. I just don't know how to stop wanting it.