Not again

The playing field has shifted once again. This is getting absolutely ridiculous! It's like I'm on the deck of a boat in a freaking hurricane with 30 foot swells! Can't I ever get a break? How the hell am I ever supposed to get a handle on things when they keep changing the rules??

This time last night I was seriously contemplating checking myself into a psychiatric hospital for suicidal thoughts, urges, and intent. Now my thoughts are racing in my head again. They're whirling so fast I can't sort them out. It makes it very hard to concentrate and focus. Ideas are hitting me from every direction at once. I have so very many projects I want to start that I can't even decide which to start first. But at the same time I don't feel like I have any energy to start any of them, let alone finish them. Just the thought of actually doing them is too much. I don't know that I could do even one of them right now. It's just like I was a month ago.

I'm feeling reckless, daring, sexual, extremely creative, playful, spend-crazy, and I want to indulge in everything. But it's as if the universe doesn't want me to have too good of a time, so for an added bonus, I get to keep my sadness, depression, anger, frustration, confusion, irritation, and a whole hell of a lot of anxiety and panic. After all, we must have balance, right?

I'm definitely experiencing a mixed state.

Hubby and I went to lunch today and that's when I started feeling and acting playful. I ate about 3 times as much as I usually do and every bite was simply exquisite! It was like I couldn't get enough. Then we went to the video store and grocery store and both places he said he could tell I was beginning to panic because of all the people around me. There's that balance thing again.

I have so much energy infusing my body and brain right now that I could run in circles. My whole being is vibrating and pulsing with glowing energy. I'm like an engine that's revved way up, but is stuck in neutral.

I swear, this SUCKS!!! This isn't fun. I'm not having fun. Mania should be fun, but this isn't fun. Mixed states are the worst and I just fucking came out of one!!!!! You have GOT to be kidding me! Is that the only fucking break I get??? Let's see... I got to enjoy the mixed state from hell, then for intermission a lovely suicidal depression, now I get to follow that up with another mixed state?? NO.

All day I'd been surprised and cautiously optimistic that perhaps my depression was lessening. I thought that I was out of the woods, that I wasn't in danger anymore. Then tonight I realized what was going on, and now I see how very wrong I was. A mixed state is just as dangerous, if not more. And a whole lot more volatile. I'm much more unstable mixed than when just depressed. And at 3pm I may be able to handle this for now, but at 3am?

I don't want to play this game any more.