Worthless and alone

I wanted to call my therapist today. I needed to hear her voice, listen to her rationality, but was too afraid to. I'm in a very bad place today. Somehow I can't account for $700.00 and hubby is pissed. I don't know where it went. I don't even remember spending it.

I'm worthless. I can't do anything right. I've screwed up the finances majorly and I haven't cleaned the house. I don't want to do anything but lay down and stop. I'm so tired.

The urge to cut is really strong right now. If I hurt on the outside, it will distract me from the immense pain on the inside. At least for a little while. At this point I'll take whatever I can get.

I want to reach out. Ask for help. But there's no one to go to anymore. I've driven everyone away. Even hubby is sick of me and my crap. The only reason he's still hanging around is the kind of man he is. Yes, he loves me, but love only goes so far. You can love someone and not be able to stand being around them. But marriage is forever for him. You take the bad with the good. But if he'd known what he was signing up for all those years ago, he would have run so fast as far away from me as he could. I don't blame him. I would too.