What in the hell was I thinking?

I'm mortified. Ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated. What the hell was I thinking these past couple of days? It was like I was a whole other person. I'm lucky I wasn't raped or killed in a high speed car accident. My judgement was totally gone. I know that if any one of my mental health care team had witnessed me at the worst, I would have been hospitalized for my own safety. Not for suicidal thoughts, but to protect me from my own judgement. To stop me from ruining my life. I came so very close to ruining my life.

I feel so bad. I want to cry and I want to cut. I want to cut very very badly. I want a lot of cuts and I want to see the blood and feel the sting of the blade. God, the urge to cut is so bad I'm shaking.

I talked to one of the nurses today. Told her about this latest swing. She talked to my doctor and he's seeing me tomorrow.