A lifetime of misery lies ahead

I absolutely hate lithium. Oh, it works very well at keeping the mania at bay (haven't decided if that's a good thing or not yet), however what it does even better is drag me down into the pit of depression and keep me there in a stranglehold. I'm sick and tired of the bipolar roller coaster. Up and down.

They've been working for at least 3 or 4 years now to stabilize me and maintain it. It hasn't happened yet. Why?? Am I one of the lucky ones who can look forward to never stabilizing? Will I be this way for my entire life? If the meds won't work, then why should I even take them at all? I mean right now I'm just like an unmedicated bipolar, yet I am medicated. The crap just doesn't work!

Why should I keep going on? Why am I still here? Because I'm a coward, that's why. My last suicide attempt would have succeeded if I hadn't gotten scared and gotten help at an emergency room. If I had just gone to sleep that night instead of waking hubby up, I wouldn't be dealing with all of this right now, not to mention for the rest of my miserable life.

I've been told that life beats nothing. I don't know. Nothing sounds pretty nice right now. I mean really, how can nothing be bad? Nothing implies neither good nor bad. There's just nothing.

The instinct of self-preservation and not wanting to hurt those I love. That's really why I'm still here. One day those won't have the hold over me that they currently do. And once that happens, there won't be anything keeping me here anymore.